3-ish in the afternoon - Made this website today. Carrying a diary around is kind of embarrassing. So I guess a website literally anyone can stumble upon is better. LOL. I don't know. I got lunch today. Ate at this real tiny place, I think it was family owned. I didn't get anything big, 'cos I only had $25 to spare...T_T I will get my money up one day. Went on a walk after I ate. All I do is walk. My sunburn is healing up nicely, without a doubt thanks to the help of a friend. She was very kind and treated it for me. Hahha. I would be nowhere without other people. I've found myself growing more attached to people lately. It's bad, so, so, so bad. I'm so attached. I don't know what I'll do when I don't have him. I can't have him forever. I can't. I dug my grave and I'll have to lie in it for the rest of my life. Ahahhh. Anyways. I'm supposed to be in Maimi soon, for a friend. Don't know how I'll get there. Guess I have to hitch a ride. I hate getting into strangers' cars. I don't trust anyone. It sucks that my entire life kind of revolves around making myself incredibly vulnerable to people I don't know. Whatever. I'm hungry. I'll probably update again tonight. Or not. Depends on where I'm at.
6:13 PM - I want ... Dr. Pepper. I have a really bad headache right now. I want to nap. I want to watch TV. I want to drive a car. I want to cook in my own kitchen. I want to be my own person. I want to see my. Family? again. I want to be alive.
10:17 PM I'm alive. I am. There's this song that's been stuck in my head all day. Powerful Man by Alex G. I like it a lot. I don't have anything interesting to say about it. I just enjoy it. I really like that whole album. It's one of my favorites from him. I wish I had a better memory. Really wish. I hate how poor it is. I guess it's kind of my fault. I think my brain blocks out a lot of stuff from previous years 'cos there's a lot of stuff that happened to me that I never wanted to happen to me. But. None of that would've happened if I wasn't so ... stupid. And careless. I wish I remembered more of him. When we were both younger. He was all I really had. I miss him. I just want to hug him again. He's not dead. I knew he wasn't. I tried to tell everyone that he wasn't. But they'd never listen...err, well, she did. She was the only other person who really cared about me, I think. She believed me. I miss her a lot. I miss so much. Haha. There's so much that I'll never be able to get back.
1:18 AM - Dear diary. The guy I'm into got...sickled? by his roommate? So I have to help him I guess. I. ??? Who the fuck just HAS a sickle on hand??? Why would you cut someone open with a SICKLE? Why not a knife??? Or something??? Not like you should be cutting anyone open. I'm just a little confused. Anyways, writing this as I sort-of-kind-of powerwalk to his house. Bye.
12:37 PM - Good morning. I love you.
2:12 PM - Good afternoon. I love you. I wish you were here. I want to go out to eat with you. I was thinking about it. I saw something that reminded me of those crayons they give out to kids at restaurants. Made me think about how we never really went out to eat together. You were always so busy, and money was so tight, it just didn't work out. Not to mention that there wasn't a lot of good places to eat around where we lived. I don't know why I remember that. I wish you were here so I could get food with you. I want to make money so you wouldn't have to worry about paying for everything for once in your life. I would pay for both of our meals, and I'd say, "Well, it's only fair, 'cos you busted your ass for me when I was a kid!" and you'd. You'd say something. I don't know what you'd say. I don't know at all. I barely remember you. I hate that. I can't imagine you properly in my head because I just don't know what you'd do. Or how you'd act. I can't remember your face exactly so the features always look wrong. I try to draw you and I can't. I could never forget you. But. I can barely remember you. Hahhh. My brain is so evil. It'll probably be easier when. I see you again. When I see you maybe everything will come flooding back to me and I'll never have to worry about forgetting anything ever again. Whatever.
5:09 PM - tired. i want him more than anything. am i really on your mind? you said i am. i'd like to be.
7:39 PM - Regarding my last entry from yesterday, the guy I'm into is fine. I've tried my best to patch him up....but. I am no doctor. And he'd probably be pissed if I brought him to an actual doctor. So this is what he has to deal with for now. LOL. Maybe don't piss your roomie off so she won't sickle you. Anyways. I missed seeing him. Hoping he wakes up soon. Me and Kage are planning to do something together sometime soon. I've got, like, no money, but I'm gonna try and. work. Really hard. So I can get at least a bit to spend on him. I'd feel bad making him pay for all of it. I'm not a leech. He's such a sweet guy. I really enjoy talking to him.
9:07 PM - I'm not addicted to smoking. I haven't smoked in a while. Haven't had the money to. But I think about it sometimes, and I get really twitchy. God I want a cigarette
1:00 AM - I pull at my hair when I'm upset. Sometimes I hit myself. Bad habit. I remember (wow, Saihara, that's a first!) when I. slept with this guy. I got so upset. I don't know why. But I was so upset. and I locked myself in his bathroom for hours after he passed out. And I just. kept hitting myself. and pulling hair out. I left his house before he ever woke up. I had bruises all over, that I had given myself, and it was really nauseating to look at along with the marks he left on me. Haha. I'm surprised all the noise I made didn't startle him awake or something. Sometimes. I try to remember things, and it makes me feel really sick, and really panicked.
2:54 AM - I talked to Kage and now I feel a little less upset. Not like I vented to him or anything. We just talked. And it was nice. And I was happy. I try not to make friends because my whole situation is so unstable. But I like when I do make friends. I think I need to try and stick around again. Haaha. Goodnight. Actually. Before I go to bed. You said I look like our mom. Does that make me mean for thinking I'm undesirable? I never really knew her. I don't remember her. I'm sure she was a very pretty lady. I just don't think the same applies to me. I know you won't answer. You don't have time to read this. Haha. Busy man. So busy. Busy with things I barely understand. All of my problems seem so meaningless when I look at what you're going through. It's like...a bad day, versus hell on earth. I'm so ungrateful.
11:15 AM - Good morning. When I was 15 I tried overdosing with pills that I stole. At some point, I fell asleep, or maybe passed out, I don't remember. I woke up exactly where I was before I lost consciousness. Nobody had moved me, or called anyone for help. I mean. Really, why would they? I think I just looked like a homeless guy taking a nap. I guess I hadn't taken enough of whatever-the-fuck I stole to actually kill me, so I just slept really hard. It was kind of embarrassing. My head was so foggy after I woke up. It took me a few hours to really feel like I could think...and when the time came, all I found myself thinking of was how disappointed he'd probably be in me if he knew what I had just done. Or, really, what I had been doing for the past few years. I cried over it in a 24-hour gas station's bathroom and then went on with my night like I never attempted in the first place. I met my Rantaro a few years later. Sometimes I can't help but wish I stayed with him forever. Maybe I could've told him the truth. Maybe we could've fixed our lives together. Maybe I'd help him mend his relationship with his parents and see his sisters again. Maybe we'd quit smoking together. We used to swap jackets for fun. He said he liked how comfortable mine was. I liked how warm his kept me. It smelled like him. Smells are a really comforting thing. Kind of. Sometimes I'll smell something that reminds me of him, and I'll feel such an overwhelming sadness, because I know that he's not actually there. He never will be there. Just like everyone else I've left behind. Kaede will never be there. Ouma will never be there. Sorry. I said I wouldn't say his name. You'll never be there. Or, it feels that way, at least. You say you will one day. I need to be more hopeful. It's just. Hard. Sometimes. I've been writing for a full hour now. It takes a lot of effort and time for me to try and recall memories, haha. 12:15 PM.
You know. The two of them are so drastically different. He's nothing like my Rantaro. They're basically comepletely different people. I like that. My Rantaro would never dream of doing the shit he does. I think it's because. Infomami is kind of a Rantaro in the same way I'm a Shuichi. Though, maybe I'm a little less real than he is. I'm a total fake. I don't look like this naturally. Haha. I like...that he's different, though. I do. I do. I do. It's nice to know I'm not the only one here who's lying about their name. There's really no point in hiding the fact that I'm lying, I think, not anymore. Everyone seems to have a vague understanding of what I'm doing. Despite this, they still know nothing about who I really am! Waha. This entire blog could be full of lies and they'd have no clue. It's not, but. still. It could be. Ggaghahaaghfujhjmefvhebvenve. Anyways. My Rantaro was a very sad man. And quite gentle! Infomami is completely different from him, in the way he speaks, his mannerisms, how he behaves, the things the does, all of it. They're two different people with functionally no similarities besides appearances. And, I guess, names, if you ignore the fact that Rantaro Amami isn't Infomami's real name. I still don't know why I'm writing this, actually. When I had Info's blood on my hands I found myself wondering if he was the same type as my Rantaro. I don't even know my Rantaro's blood type. Weird thoughts. Take a shot for every single time I've said any variation of "Rantaro Amami" in this entry.
4:07 PM - Hi. I thought about Kaede again. I tried drawing her. I think I did okay. I wish I really remembered her face. She was so nice. I was totally in love with her when I was a kid. She was a lot more introverted than most of the other Kaedes I've seen. Very quiet. I was quiet too. I liked being quiet with her. She lived with her mom, never knew where her dad was. She had piano lessons on the weekends. She was on the school's soccer team. She had really good grades. Everybody liked her. I remember wondering why, out of all people, she had a crush on me. Still don't know why. It was fun while it lasted. Then I had to make some bullshit excuse up as to why I needed to break up with her. Because I had to leave. All I know how to do is leave. I hope she's doing well. She was the only person I've ever dated.
4:22 PM - Every single time you tell me it'll be a while before we can see each other, I, for some reason, get just as upset as when you first told me. Envision being stabbed in the chest and the stomach repeatedly. That's what it feels like.
4:48 PM - Does anyone actually read this? I don't know. Who cares. For once, I'd like to be touched by someone who loves me. I dread nighttime because it's always the same thing. Of course, I chose this for myself. I have nobody to blame. Except for myself.
I need to do something. For someone. When I take Kage out it WILL...be fun. I want to have fun with him. I'm really excited. Embarrassingly so. If I can find a carnival, we'll go to one. And I'll win him something because I'm just that good. I'll try to. And then we can get something to eat. And do whatever else. I never went to the aquarium that you gave me money for. I forgot. I kept the money in my bag and completely forgot about it. I found it earlier today. Might use it for me and Kage. Along with the money I've made.
God. I want to see you again. I'm sorry I'm so impatient. I don't deserve you. I never did. I miss you. I need you in my life. Look at how I turned out after a decade without you. I'm terrible. I can't do anything without you. I miss you. I don't know how to wait, not now that I know you're alive. I'm sorry. I'm sorry. I'm sorry. Aha.
10:59 PM - Got sent to twitter hell. Lame.
11:26 PM - I don't like moths. They scare me. It's stupid. It shouldn't make me so panicked. I don't know why it does. And they. they always fly towards me and they don't stay away and i dont want them to land on me and touch me and i am afraid
am i really not human? haha
3:14 AM - oh my god im a faggot
1:43 PM - Hi. I'm not sure if you actually read this last night. If you did, that's, like. Like really embarrassing and I think I have to kill myself. But it's fine. I bought gum. Tropical twist. Nnggghhh. My favorite. I love gum. I love having ssomething in my mouth to focus on. It's the #BEST. Can I be honest? Thanks. My mind continuously wanders back to Infomami whenever I do anything. At all. Maybe it's because he chipped my underwear so he knows where I'm at like. Whenever. But. I think it's more than that. AND THAT'S SUPER LAME. I AM A USELESS FAGGOT. Ougghhh. I'm sorry. I know you really, really, really don't like him. But I CAN'T HELP IT!!!! I find myself growing increasingly frustrated by how little I know about him! The tables!!! Have turned!!!!!! I want to know more about him! And! See his face! Fuckkkkkkk. Ghfhyuerjfknehjbghebjhenfjnkjanknknejkernjnvwjien. I'm SORRY. And I hope you can find it in your heart to forgive me if I ever do pursue him. I'M SORRY!!!!
3:07 PM - Ouma. I miss him. My Ouma. I think you and him could've gotten along. He wasn't bad. Not at all. He was. Good. He was so good. Haha.
I hope Kage is alright today. Miss him a bit.
3:56 PM - i cant find my knife
Infomami is always getting in some new shit. The Catholic man shot him twice. One bullet for each leg. And now I have to go to Hope's Peak Academy with Normal Komaeda (not in the sense that he's a normal guy. Normal like that's his name. His name is Normal Komaeda. He's the normal one) and I guess. try and diffuse the situation before Infomami bleeds out and dies. FML
I guess Normal Komaeda isn't going with me? IDK. He's letting me borrow his gun. I miss being a kid. All this shit is too much work. i want my brother
I'm pissed off. Like, seriously pissed off. The fuck do you mean he's gonna BURN THE OFFICE DOWN? Never trust a Komaeda with shit. They'll always, and I mean ALWAYS, pull something. My God. I don't like it when people hurt him. That's so stupid, because he definitely - probably ? deserves it. But I really don't like it. God, I'm mad. I do need to rethink my taste in men because I seriously shouldn't be waiting outside HPA with a loaded pistol over some guy and his stupid files. I hate my life. I hate my life. I hate my life. No one is forcing me to do this and I'm doing it anyways. I'm a USELESS FAGGOT. OH MY GOD.
12:58 AM - Kage. Kage Kage Kage. I really miss him. Kagehara, I think you read this. I think that's what you meant when you said you check every hour. Hi. I hope you do or else this is kind of in vain. I guess it's not, though, there's nothing wrong with writing how I feel. I just. Would prefer if you saw it. I care about you a lot. You're such a lovely guy. I want to spend time with you. I'm sorry it's taking so long. I really didn't anticipate all of this shit happening after I plan to take you out somewhere. I'm sorry. I feel so bad. Haha. I adore you. I really do. I love when we talk. I try to reach out. I read what you write. Hopefully that's not creepy. I just like to see what's on your mind. I haven't let myself have a friend in a while. So it's nice to have you. I don't like to think about you dying. Haha. But it is inevitable, I guess. We'll all die. One day. But I get really sad when I think about your death. Don't die. We'll have a lot of fun when we go out. I promise! I'll make it so fun. And we can do whatever you want. Ehe. I'm really trying. I want...to give you a really big hug. When we see each other. Which. Will be soon. I promise. I pinky promise. You can't see it, but I'm holding my pinky up.
6:22 PM - Haven't written all day. Sorry. I'm out of it. Do you ever feel, like. Like, really, really, really dissatisfied with yourself? Not one specific part of you. Every single bit. Do you?
8:49 PM - I wonder what life would've been like if I was able to be a normal kid. I think I've had to do a lot of stuff that a child never should have to do. Obviously, I'm not a child anymore. I'm grown, so it's okay now. But. I still think about it. I wish I could've kept going to school. I wish I could live comfortably. I wish I was still alive.
9:43 PM - honestly. it gets hard to keep going. no, i don't plan on killing myself. no, i won't leave again. but. it's so hard. i find very little value in living. would you still like me if you knew how far removed i actually am from who i say i am? shuichi isn't real. none of it is. i don't think the way i behave is real, either. it's all made up. i feel bad for lying. then again, it's kind of obvious, isn't it? i don't really try anymore. i'm getting sloppyyyyy. haha. jokes. joking. i jest. i wouldn't tell you a thing, even if you begged. i don't know why i'm thinking about that. you know, i was a really mean kid. i don't know how i made any money with that attitude. i was such a conniving little cunt. or, well, i guess that explains it. i stole a lot. way too much. that's why i try not to anymore. lol. i'd rather not go to jail. i almost got arrested a few times, actually. for different things. i really don't think i'm a good person. i was always the meaner one when it was just me and rantaro. i was the unwelcoming one. i was the one people didn't like. me and him went everywhere together. always a pair. until i ditched him. that's. so fucking mean. haha. i'm such an asshole. i left him when he had nothing, and now i have the audacity to miss him? oh my god. i'm actually terrible. i lied to kaede and ditched her, too. ha. ha. when i had to leave ouma, it was a little less bad. he knew everything. i was honest with him. he understood. he knew i had to go. and he said he'd be alright. i'm a bad person. i know i am. all i do is use people for months at a time before i have to leave for some unexplainable reason. i don't want anyone to feel bad for me, ever, because i simply have not done anything to warrant a person's pity or sympathy. everything wrong in my life can most certainly be linked back to choices i made. not anyone else. it's all me. i have done everything to myself, and all i do is mope about it. i think i like feeling bad. it's familair and easy. i'm comfortable with being uncomfortable because that's all i've been for the last decade of my life. it's pathetic. there's so much i'll probably never get to have. i'll never get married. i'll never date again, i think, if i keep following the pattern i always do. i'll never drive. i'll never have a prom. i'll never get my dream job - for the record, i don't have a dream job, so i couldn't care less about that. i'll never graduate. so much. there is genuinely nothing for me. nothing besides what i do everyday. i guess i could sell myself in different ways. i could start selling my organs. i could pluck my eyes out and give them out on a first-come-first-serve basis. i could cut my limbs off and offer them up to cannibals or something. i've never done any of that. so. I GUESS. THERE'S SOMETHING. LOL. i want to kill myself. god. i seriously hate my life and everyone in it. every person i meet is comepletely and utterly vile. i'm sick of it. they're all sickening. i hate them. i hate. them. i hate them. i hate them. i hate them. i hate them. everything they do is disgusting and i hate it. i hate what they do. i hate. them. i hate it all. ahhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh. ahhh. AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! I'M A TERRIBLE PERSON!
Sorry. I don't hate everyone. I hate most people. Not everyone. I like Kage a lot. I like Info-kun, sometimes. Haha. Zaima is nice. Normal Komaeda is nice. Kurisu is nice. My Rantaro was nice. My Ouma was nice. My Kaede was nice. There's a lot of good people in the world. I'm too mean. It'll be easier if I get drunk. But I don't have the money for that. Lol. Well, I do. But I'm saving for Kage. We're going out soon.
I'd like to be held gently one day. I am not entirely averse to physical contact - nay! I crave it! I just wish I recieved it entirely different from how I always do. I hate the way they look at me and the way they touch me. Honestly, I don't understand why someone would want to touch me gently nowadays. There's nothing to get out of it, and I certainly don't deserve it. But, perhaps selfishly, I long for it anyways. My mind wanders sometimes, and I think of him, being gentle, with,,, me! And it's incredibly foolish. I know. But I can't help it. I want too much from someone who I consider a friend. I'm tired. But I can't sleep. It's best to find people late at night. Haha. That makes me sound like the creep. Haha. Haha. Haha. Haha. Haha.
1:19 AM - Suicide postponed!
1:32 PM - I love you more than anything. I got in a stranger's car today. We passed an Arby's. Then they dropped me off somewhere I've never been before. The world is a really scary place.
6:34 PM - I guess nothing is stopping me from taking a nap on wet grass. But I'd get really agitated and probably cry if my clothes got wet. I hate wet clothes. I'm in a better mood than I was yesterday. Just....SO TIRED! I'm suffering from crazy brain fog, I think. It's all good, though. I'm okay. I'm great. I'm happy. I see Kage tomorrow. I'm excited! So excited!!! Ahhhhh! He's too good to me. Really. I don't think I deserve him. But I'm happy I have him. There was a restaurant near where I was dropped off that sold these trays of food for like, dirt cheap. So I ate. I might die. But I'll probably be fine. I still haven't found my knife, so I'm willing to bet I've lost it for good. I'll have to buy another one when I can. It's really sad...I loved my knife like a boy loves a girl. Or whatever. Whenever I couldn't open things...it whispered to me like a lover..."Shuichi...use me...use me...I'll help you..." and I'd say IF YOU INSIST!!! Though I tried not to whip it out around people 'cos seeing a homeless guy with a knife tends to put people off. I won't stab you! I promise! I guess I was due for a new knife, anyways. Or, a new blade, at least. I had my old one for years. It's a bit. Yuck! now. Haha. It's okay. I'm okay. I'm fine without it.
6:55 PM - I'd like to get a milkshake one day. I've been craving one. Nggghh
7:19 PM - What's that one book called? "Do Androids Dream of Electric Sheep?" I think. I've never read it, but the title has me thinking. It would be really cute if...computers, when you turn them off, do dream of electric sheep! Counting and counting until you wake them up again. That's so cute. I think the book itself is pretty dystopian? From what I've read about it...so my interpretation of the title is probably terribly far removed from the actual contents of the book. I don't read much. I'd like to, I just don't really have the time. I'm not a very smart person, all things considered. I stopped going to school in, what, 6th grade? 7th? I don't remember. My whole life has basically been me pretending to be a way smarter person than I am. Probably the least attractive thing about me. I'm awfully stupid. Most of what I know is stuff that I had to teach myself.
^ I'm not moping about being stupid, by the way. I'm in a very good mood. I was just thinking about it.
Me and Kage are going to have a sleepover! Tomorrow. Haha. Typing that out makes me feel like a kid. I'm excited. I. Trust him a lot. Honestly, I think part of what I look forward to most when I wake up is being able to talk to him. Embarrassing to admit.
I wish I could talk to Infomami more. But I think he wants his space. I don't blame him. He lost everything. I'd be upset too.
7:35 PM - I love you. "You" as a sort of umbrella term for whoever may be reading this. Or, maybe I'm talking about one specific person. You'll never know. #MYSTERYMAXXING...>_>
1:30 AM - I'm so tired. I . want. so much. Ahhhhhh. I want to nap in your bed.
I was mostly messing with you when I talked about how badly I miss Info-kun. But I really do miss him. God. I was fine until I actually started thinking about it. I want
2:13 AM - are you reading this? hi. i'm excited.
maybe i'm a little hopeful in thinking you're responding indirectly. haha. i'm so stupid! i seriously need to get off now. work. ugh.
10:44 AM - Good morning. It's Kagehara day!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! Ahaah. I'm so excited to see him. Seriously so excited. Happy. He has work to do ... before I can come over. That's okay. Working man! Hehe. Ahhhhhhhhhhhhhh. I'm full of so much joy I seriously can't take it. Kage day...God. I like typing his name out. I say it so much, have you noticed? That's so weird. I am weird. I should cut that out.
2:28 PM - I do not suck at flirting, fuck you.
1:13 AM - Better luck next time! I had a good day with Kage. And. I'm tired now. Sooo tired. He has a relaxing sort of presence about him. Aha. Don't tell him I said that! Or do. I jest. He's so sweet. I want to see him more. And more. Ahhhhhhh!!!!!!!11!!!111!!!!!!!!!1!!!!!!
If you're reading this, whenever you check my blog - I really, really, really, really. Want you to know how much I appreciate you. Haha. I adore you. I hope it's obvious! I don't take much joy in being subtle.
12:24 PM - I love you so much that I want to be honest with you. Of course, I won't. But I want to. I don't really understand the whole scope of what I'm feeling when I say I love you. I just know that. I love you. You as a concept and as a reader, and you, as whoever I have in mind when I write this. I love you. I've loved everyone I've ever met. In many different ways. I don't know what I'd do if I really, truly hated everyone. I think I'd kill myself. What is there to live for if not other people? Since there's so little left of me, it's kind of all I have. I think I slept funny, my lower back hurts. Are malls still a thing, like, really? I read in an article that they're kind of dying out. We didn't have any malls around where I grew up. Kaede always wanted to go to one, because she'd see people in the TV shows she watched go with their friends, and it always looked so fun to her. I thought so too! I never really watched the stuff she did unless I happened to be over at her house when the TV was on. You know, girl stuff. Not meant for a rough and tough boy like me! Lol. I'm kidding. I just didn't like sitcoms much. I always preferred documentaries, over anything. I liked them a lot. Animal ones, mostly, but sometimes I'd even watch those like, factory documentaries. You know? The ones that showed the process of how stuff was made. And, other times, when he wasn't home, I'd put on...TRUE CRIME DOCUMENTARIES!!! Ahh! Only when he wasn't home. Which was, luckily, most of the time, because I knew he probably wouldn't want me watching that stuff. It was just so interesting to me.
I was thinking about stuff me and Kage could do one day. Going to a mall would be fun, but we don't have the money to do much there, I think. We could have a picnic. We talked about that one. I'd like to. Maybe we could...do something seasonal? Uhh. Like fruit picking? I like fruit. I don't know what fruit we'd be picking. Maybe peaches, or apples. Are those summer fruits? I think peaches are. Apples are...all year-round, I'm pretty sure. I like peaches.
I'm happy this morning, thanks to Kage, probably. I know Infomami is in a wheelchair, but don't tell him! I mean, it's kind of obvious, as I'm not sure how he'd get around otherwise. I don't think he likes having to be in one, though. It's okay. I still think he's cool and admirable. Even when wheelchair bound! Don't tell him I said that either. That's gay.
3:37 PM - So sleepy. Ahhhhhhhh. My Everything hurts again. I'd benefit from a full body massage, probably. But the thought of that makes me nauseous. No massages for me. I can. Haha. I can feel my eyes closing. As I type this. I'm not sure why I'm so tired. I don't usually nod off this much. Maybe my body has finally had enough. LOL. I'll be alright.
Me and Rantaro used to sleep together. Like, literally. We'd find a place to crash together and we'd sleep. And he'd let me lay on him. I think it helped him, 'cos he said he used to get really anxious at night, but when I was with him, and, when I was on him, it was a lot easier to fall asleep. I just liked being near him. It was nice. To spend the night with someone I trusted so much. Sometimes he'd fall asleep before me and I'd watch him. Sleep. That's creepy, but. I don't know. I liked to study his face. He had really nice eyelashes. Very handsome man.
6:14 PM - so i did end up passing out i think. but i'm alright
12:07 - Hey, hey. Are you reading this? Still? I like you a lot. Let's cook together one day. The plan is already in motion.......deep fried sesame balls...I DON'T KNOW HOW TO MAKE THOSE. BUT I'LL LEARN. Sorry for not updating much in the past few hours. I've been kind of busy doing fuck all. I'm hungry again. And thirsty. I miss smoking. Ahhhhh!!!! It's okay, though. It's all good. I kind of want something sweet. I don't like many sweet things. But right now I'm really craving...something...like.......chocolate? Maybe. Chocolate cake. Drooling emoji. That's what You do. You type out emojis instead of actually using them. Haha! It's so cute. I love when you do that! Ahhhhhhhhh!!!!!!
I'm not wearing my jacket. I feel kind of naked without it. Like, more naked than actually being naked. I'm just. so sweaty. Oh my god. Maybe I have a fever or something. I hope I don't. Fuuuuucccckkkkkkkk.
1:22 AM - Sorry. I can't stop thinking about you. Are you sneezing more than usual? LOL. It's...because I keep writing about you!!! I'm sorryyyy! I jest. I'm not superstitious. But that would be kind of funny.
3:23 AM - I'm so tired. But I can't really sleep. My eyes are heavy 'cos I took that medicine he got me. It's supposed to knock you out. I don't know why I'm not sleeping yet. I'm so hot. Ahhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh. I want to sleep in your bed.
12:17 PM - I am definitely sick. But, I took medicine. I'll be fine. I'll probably find a place to nap. Or something. I'm not that sleepy anymore, but I should rest anyways, I think...IDK. I'll do something. I'm hungry. I worry about Kage, sometimes. I think about him a lot. My friend.
I still miss smoking. Uuuuuuuuuhhhgh. Can I confess something? I feel. really guilty about it. I think, when I was younger, when we had first met, I was the reason he got kind of dependent on cigarettes. I offered him one. And then another. And other. And soon he was buying them for himself. I didn't even realize it at the time. But we sort of got worse, together. I feel bad about that. Very, very bad. I think...he's probably better off without me. I wasn't that good for him. Even if I loved him.
1:25 PM - Got sent to twitter hell. Again. Can't post. Sorry, I could if I would. I know everyone misses my insightful words.
3:07 PM - Still can't post. Sorry. I'm so tired. Aaahhh. I want...to...hold someone. Or something. I miss having stuffed animals.
10:44 PM - I've been many different people. Despite this, I am the closest anyone would ever get to a "real" Shuichi Saihara in my world. I am him as much as he is real. I am everyone I have ever claimed to be. And I am me.
12:02 AM - I want to come over again. I don't know how to ask. I feel kind of silly. It's so soon and I already want to come back. I'm still sick, so I probably shouldn't. Lest I get you sick. Ahh. I need to do something and I want to do nothing. People keep talking to me and none of it means anything. It's all incomprehensible garbage that they're spewing at me. All of it. None of you make any sense and I don't like it when you look at me. Stay away, thank you kindly. Apparently that Homeless Komaeda saw me a bit ago. I don't think I noticed him. How in the world did he manage to win over a girl like Tsumiki? That's mind boggling. Seriously. I don't mean that offensively, you know. That'd be like throwing stones in a glass house. I just don't get it at all. Not like it matters or anything. None of that does. How drunk were you last night? Trick question. You weren't? Hey. I never read the bible and I don't think I ever will. Sometimes these people approach me at night, and they tell me that it's not too late to be saved. When I was 18 I stood outside of a church for a few hours after midnight. And I don't remember what I thought or how I felt. I never do. Honestly, honestly, can I be honest? With you? Only you. There's nobody else here, anyways. I promise. Can I be honest? I never really remember how I felt. Everything is always a blur. Sometimes I get these moments of clarity where I remember certain things or events, but I never know how I felt. And so it's always devoid of any feeling. It's such a distant recollection of something that once happened, and I feel completely separated from what's happening in it - even though I'm right there. It's my memory, that I'm part of, yet I feel so far from it. I think you're beautiful. I'll never say it. I love you as much as I did yesterday. I once got into a fight with an older man over something I can't remember. He got my blood all on his clothes. I didn't try and fight back. I wonder, did he wash his clothes? Or just throw them out? Did my blood dirty them so much that they weren't worth trying to save? Come here. Come closer. I'm so warm, do you feel it too? Can you feel my breath? Does my hair tickle? Haha. I don't know what I'm talking about. I'm not there at all. I'm getting totally eaten up by mosquitoes right now. I can feel them. I think. Sometimes when I'm really tired, my brain plays tricks on me and makes me think there's lots of tiny bugs on me. That might be what's happening. I could be good. I'm not, but I could be. If you wanted me to be. I'm at a park right now. Not a playground. A regular park. I'm sitting against a tree. And I keep getting really cold, and then really hot. Unpleasant. I need to brush my hair. I've been writing for half an hour.
1:28 AM - I am so tired. Did you really read all of that? Haha. Wow. I think I'm going to try and sleep now. I'll talk to you tomorrow.
12:10 PM - I asked Kage if I could come over again. He said yes. He's not home right now. He gets his stitches taken out today, doesn't he? I think so. He wrote about it. I hope it goes well for him. I...am on my way. To his house. Now! Haha. I guess I'll take a nap or something. Until he comes back. I feel so bad. I'm a total freeloader. But, I missed him. And I'm sick. And I'm tired. And he's so nice to me. Ahhhh. I am so grateful for him. I don't deserve him at all. Kage house. House emoji.
I want to get tacos one day. Sounds so good right now. Ouuugghhhghhhgh. I love tacos. I've been thinking about changing my hair up. I'd have to DIY it since I don't have barber shop money...LOL...I never do. I've always done my hair myself. That's why it looks so bad. Except for that one time recently when I was able to get a guy to cut my hair for (mostly) free. That was cool. I only got a trim.
5:18 PM - Feelings would complicate this
6:47 PM - Being sick with a friend is a lot better than being sick all alone. Haha. I'm so happy. Let's hope Kage doesn't catch what I have...uuuuheeejhhghrefj. I'd feel so bad!
I've been thinking about JEFF THE KILLER lately. Ouuuugghh. Jeff. Take me away from all of this. Save me, Jeff! I jest. He would probably kill me to death.
7:55 PM - I'm so hot. Sweaty. Oh my god. Ack. It's fine. I spend a lot of my time trying not to think about the stuff I know I'll have to think about eventually. Or the stuff that I'll have to do eventually. Everything is always a necessity...ugghh. "have to" this, "have to" that. Ughhghguhuhguehguhengjeinejnvtgjegengengjkwngjwngjenjengjkengkejgnjeknkejnkjnwenfjgneinweojojgogowegoegienijendjnqwnfijfjjffalfjalwfwojflwrfjfjakejwkfwkfwjfiawifwniwbiqniqwiuenfiqniwniqjx.....hjkk,. ghh. I don't remember what my mom looked like. Which, makes sense, I guess. Did she die while giving birth to me? Or after? I forget what he told me. Ehhe. I don't know. I guess I can't hate my parents too much if they're dead. I liked Kaede 'cos she only had a mom. So we could like, semi-relate on having an absent father. It just so happened that I also had an absent mother. And that my parents weren't really absent, they were just dead. Not like I knew at the time. I spent so much time with her. Never invited her over to the house because it was always a mess, even before he went missing. He was so busy, so it was only really tidy on days he was off, or days he got off a little early. I did a lot that I don't think he was aware of when he wasn't home. I was a bad kid!!!!!!!!! Well. It's not like I did drugs or anything. I just did other stuff that I wasn't supposed to. I don't really remember how I used to act. I've spent so long being a different person that I can't tell what part of my personality is real or fabricated. That sounds so edgy. Blehhh. I am nothing if not an edgelord at heart. Yuck! Ummm. I had a weird dream last night. I don't remember what it was. I just know it felt so real, and I woke up all anxious and alert. Odd. Most of my clothes are in the wash. Kage is so generous. Ahhh.
I think he's asleep right now, actually. I've already slept for the day. Couldn't fall back asleep even if I wanted to. Guess that's why I'm writing. I kind of miss our old house, me and //////'s. It was a total mess when I left it. My fault. I should've cleaned it, but I was focused on other things. I remember...the day I made my mind up, I was looking through his closet. All of his clothes had little holes in them from the moths. We always had a moth problem, especially during summer, and...when he was around, there was something he did to keep them out of our closets, but I just couldn't remember what. I couldn't stop the moths from tearing into his clothes. From ruining them. From taking him away from me. I was so useless! I think I cried over it. I remember telling myself, "he'll be so mad once he comes home and sees how bad I've let things get," but then I realized. He wasn't coming back. I had evaded the..."system"...ehhhhh... for long enough by telling everyone that he'd be back soon, and that he wasn't really missing, or dead. But my teachers were getting worried, and my neighbors were too. I started causing problems in school, I was mean, I'd have outbursts, I picked fights - it was only a matter of time before they called someone, I think. And so, I realized that. I had to do something. Really, what I ended up doing wasn't my first choice at all. It definitely wasn't the easiest one, either. I don't know why I picked it. Stupid kids make stupid decisions, I guess. I always have a hard time recalling exactly what led up to my choice, and exactly what came after. IDK. I can never remember anything. LOL. I guess that's another reason why this blog is helpful. I can log what little I do remember, so I'll never forget it again!
9:51 PM - You can sit next to me. You can do absolutely anything you want. Hehe. You're my friend and I trust you. Let's watch TV together. I don't mind if you fall back asleep.
3:14 AM - Woke up. I don't know when I fell asleep, actually. Uuu. Kage is asleep...on the floor. ? Haha. When did he get there? I feel bad. It's his house. I've thought about moving him, but...I'd rather not wake him! And. Maybe he? Wants to sleep on the floor? I'm not sure. He looks peaceful. I hope his back won't hurt too much when he wakes up. Lol. I went to bed a lot earlier than I usually do, I think. Not sure exactly when I fell asleep but it must've been a few hours ago. I guess he's just that calming. Hahh. I think I'm going to go back to sleep. My eyes are heavy.
9:54 AM - Ouuhg. So sleepy. Good morning. I guess Kage woke up at some point before me. My clothes are by the couch. Hehe. He's so nice. I guess I should wake him...but I'm so tired. And he looks comfy. Mmmmmmmmmm. Oh well. We can ? fall asleep another time. I'll wake him up in a few. He could've slept with me on the couch if he wanted to. I don't take up that much space! Haha. I feel happy. Huh.
1:44 PM - Kage got bagels. Yummy. It's been nice staying at his house. I don't...know? If I'm going to leave today. Or. Stay longer. I'm not sure. Maybe I should ask what he's okay with. I should probably take a shower. He said he was alright with me using his stuff, but...I feel bad!!!!!! I have my own bathing stuff. Loofa. Bodywash. Hair stuff. Whatever. You know. But I'll probably need to buy more soon. Uehh. Maybe I'll use his stuff just this once. So that I still have my stuff when I'm not staying here. My dye is fading quicker than I want it to. Sigh. And my roots are all grown out. I guess it's not a bad look...but...I don't know. It reminds me of something. I don't really like my natural hair color much. Oh well. I don't really have the money to spend on dye and bleach right now. Lol. Gotta...spend wisely...and so on. My back has been really tight in one spot for the past few days. I think I must've slept funny at some point. It hurts!!! Not crazy bad or anything. It's just, like, mildly uncomfortable. Ugh. A hot shower would probably help. Yeah. Yeahhh. I'm gonna go do that now.
3:02 PM - He asked me if I wanted to sleep in the bed tonight. Weeeeeehh. I don't want to take his bed from him. That's so totally evil. I'm okay on the couch. I can even sleep on the floor! I am very versatile. I've slept on concrete more times than I can count!!! I'll be okay. I guess I'm staying for a bit longer. He doesn't seem to mind. I'm so grateful. I need to pay him back somehow. Eventually! I don't mind if he drinks or anything. I drink sometimes. Only when I have the money. I kind of miss it, actually. But I'm sick. So. Probably not the time. IDK. I'm kind of tired again. I might doze off. I wonder what flowers Kage likes. He posts a lot of flowers, but I'm not sure what his favorites are...Maybe I could. I don't know...uuuhhgh. IDK. I don't know. Maybe.
I miss reading. I never did read much. But I miss it. Writing makes me want to read. Haha.
3:50 PM - I need to invest in a stuffed animal. I want to hold something
4:18 PM - I'm sooo tired. Ahhh. You know. I wouldn't mind sleeping in his bed. I'd just hate to intrude. I don't know. I like being close to him. I liked watching TV with him last night. That was nice. My friend. Haha. My body is warm. It's not that bad, just kind of frustrating. Too hot. I think I'm going to try and sleep. More rest means I'll hopefully get better faster...and if I get better faster. I won't be so HOT!!!!!!!!! Ahhhhhhh. Maybe I'll lay on the floor. It's probably cooler. That's what dogs do, I think. When they're hot. They sleep on the floor! Smart. Smart...Yeah. I always wanted a dog. Kaede had a senior one, he was like...12 years old? I think. OLD! But so cute. I think he liked me. He'd let me lay on him, and Kaede would go "Woww...he must really like you! He doesn't let anyone do that!" but I've learned in my adult years that that's just something pet owners say to make people feel special. So maybe he liked everyone. I love dogs. Even ones that bite!
Was Kage on the floor because it was cooler? I wonder. Hmm! Smart man...
6:05 PM - I didn't sleep much. I think I passed out for maybeee...30 minutes? and spent the rest of the time laying on the floor. But it was nice. I feel nice. I'm happy. I'm not stressed. Dare I say, I feel safe! The floor was cooler. Amazing. I hope me and Kage watch TV together again. Haha. It was so fun. I like doing things with him. I miss drinking soda. I never really drank any when I was a kid outside of the few times I went to birthday parties and stuff. I like how fizzy it is. Yum.
6:54 PM - Kage left for work. I feel like a housewife. Or like a bum roommate that doesn't do anything. LOL. I think I'll take a walk while he's out.
7:44 PM - It was nice out. I didn't stay out for too long. Just wanted to walk. Sometimes when I'm by large bodies of water I have the impulsive urge to jump in with all my clothes on!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! Just 'cos it'd be fun. 
photo I took when I was out. >_>
9:05 PM - Hehe. TV with Kage. This is so fun. Maybe being sick is a blessing in disguise! Ha!
10:25 PM - He fell asleep. Do you think he'd be embarrassed if he knew he had his head on my shoulder right now? Haha. I don't know. It's nice. Ouma used to lay on me like this sometimes. I have to be super still. I don't want to wake him! Might try and see what's on TV right now. I miss watching documentaries so bad.
11:39 PM - Aha. I might fall asleep too. I'm getting sleepyyyy. I found an old crime documentary. It's so interesting. And Kage is so warm! Ahhh! Ahh. I'll probably doze off soon. I'm so comfortable.
12:32 PM - Haha. Can you believe it? I slept through the whole night. Went to bed so early, too. That might be the most sleep I've gotten in years. I've been up for a while, now. When I woke up, he had his arm wrapped around me. It was so cute. I felt so comfortable. Ahh. Really. What a nice night. I'm kind of. super hungry right now. I wonder if we'll make those...sesame balls...eventually. Hmmmmmm. I'm not a great cook. I haven't actually used a kitchen in years. But I'll try my best to at least be helpful. Hehe. I'm so happy. Usually when I'm too happy for too long, I get this creeping sense of dread telling me something bad will happen soon. But I don't have that right now. I'm just happy. What the hell?
1:34 PM - Bagel. Drooling emoji. I seriously need to figure out what flowers he likes. How do you ask that without sounding weird? Or. Actually maybe I'm overthinking that that's like a pretty normal question
4:31 PM - Wahaaaa. I almost passed out. Not sure why. Had to sit down really quick 'cos my heart started beating fast and my legs felt shaky. Ack! I've been thinking about when I'll. leave. I don't really know. I'm pretty much recovered from my little fever, I think. And so...you know...realistically, I should leave soon. I know that. I just...don't. Want to. Haha. That's so lame. I've had such a good time with Kage, that I really don't want to leave! But. You know. I need to work. I do. I've been dreading it. I don't really want to go back to that. But money is money. I can't leech off of Kage forever. I could probably find day jobs around the area. You know, ones that don't require me actually getting hired. Uhm. I don't know. I don't want to leave. I'm such an idiot. My...job...eh. I really only work at night. So it kind of wouldn't make sense to stay here any longer if I'll just be leaving at night. I'll probably have to talk with him. It's not like I'm...living here. It's his house. He's letting me stay because I'm sick, and. I'm not really sick anymore. So. I should leave soon, I guess. Wah.
7:05 PM - Is it selfish to ask if I could stay longer? Longer, as in, like, an undecided amount of time? I feel like such a BUM. It's just. I was thinking about it, while he was out. I could probably find work around the area, and then, when I really need to, I could. Go out at night. And work. And I could just come back. So I'd still be making money. and And I wouldn't be totally leeching off of him. If you ignore that I'd still be staying in his house. Uggghh. I'll talk to him about it...if he's okay with me staying. Then I can figure out where to go from there. I haven't felt this comfortable in a while, you know? It's so nice. He makes me happy.
I thought about. Buying him something. as a thank you, for letting me stay the time he has already. Like. Flowers. Or, maybe something he really needs. I don't know what that'd be, though...
Uah. Anyways. I would kill for like, chicken alfredo, right now. Yeeeaahhhhh. Ouuhghhgghuhguh. Drooling emoji.
8:00 PM - Kage bought me stuff. Aha. He's too nice. Allergy stuff. Ahh. I need to get him flowers. And talk to him about staying longer. Do I kill two birds with one stone? Get him flowers, give them to him, then ask if he's okay with me staying? Or does that sound like bribery? Ouuhh. I'm not sure. I need to be put down. I'm terrible. I don't know. Maybe I should've left the house while he was out. Then he could've come back and I could've like. Surprised him. Ta-da! Thank you for letting me stay here! And taking care of me!!!! I got you flowers!!!!!! Fuck. That would've been great. Fuuuuck. I am useless. Would he even like flowers? I mean. I think he would. Realistically. But. IDK.
8:21 PM - I talked to him about it. It was significantly easier than I had made it out to be in my head. He said he was okay with me staying. I'll figure out work tomorrow, I think. I'll probably see if I can buy him something, too. Since I'll be out for a bit.
I've been thinking about Info-kun a bit. In the back of my mind, and stuff. I wonder how he's holding up. I'd check up on him, but I don't think he really wants that. I'm not sure. He knows I'm here if he needs me.
hahahhadhfhufhueheijnjnijvijevievnaeivaeijnijnrfhhhhahhahahah.Puppies have such big heads. Massive domes. Oh my god. I. I keep seeing photos of puppies and their heads are always so fucking big and it's so cute it makes me want to cry oh my god. oh my God
9:13 PM - Haha. Info-kun. Speak of the devil. He says he's working on recovering his files. That's good. I'd like to see him again. Eventually. Ahh. I'm probably gonna go out really quick. To like, a gas station, or a convenience store. I need. Something. Now that I'm not really sick. Lol! I have the money. Not a lot. But enough for now. Tomorrow I'll work on sorting my job situation out. Yeah. #Planning. I'll tell Kage that I'll be gone for a few. I think he's watching something! Wonder what. Hmmmm.
10:03 PM - I was only out for, what? 15, 20 minutes? Didn't take long. Felt nice. Kyaa. Earlier today, Kage asked if I'd want to sleep in his bed tonight (if I was staying another night), and I said I'd think on it. Ehe. I haven't thought on it much. It kind of slipped my mind, actually, 'cos I had been thinking about whether I'd be staying or not. But, I guess...since I am, it'd be kind of nice. Especially since sleeping on the couch with him was so nice. So...my mind is made up! I hope I don't kick him in his sleep or anything. Sometimes I get nightmares and thrash around a bit. Embarrassing!
11:13 PM - I'm. so sleepy. Haha. My sleep schedule is getting totally ruined the longer I stay here. I'm getting tired way earlier. I'll probably...join Kage in bed soon. That's embarrassing to type. LOL. So tired.
1:19 AM - Woke up. Didn't have a nightmare or anything, which is good! Kage is asleep, ehe. It's kind of nice, waking up and seeing that he's there. I'm glad I'm staying. He looks so peaceful when he sleeps. Awwww. I am. A little parched! I think I'm going to get water, and then head back to bed. I'm sleepy.
11:26 AM - Awake. I slept so good. Ahh! I feel so well rested. I'm going to...take a shower. And make myself look presentable. You know. 'Cos I have to go and figure my job situation out. And get Kage flowers.....hopefully. We'll see if there's anywhere in the area that sells them.
1:28 PM - Do you think he'd like Bellflowers? Or...should I just do something simple? Like roses? I'm not an expert on flowers. They come in blue. Kage is pretty blue. Uahhh. This is so difficult!!!!!!!!!!!!
I'm too embarrassed to say what I've figured out for work. But. I've figured something out. Don't ask or I'll get shy and call you a dummy.
2:58 PM - I settled on bellflowers. Blue ones! I'm kind of embarrassed. Why does everything make me embarrassed???? I'm seriously ovethinking this. I guess I just don't want to come off as weird. I'm really grateful. And flowers aren't too expensive. And. AAACK! Whatever. Standing around and whining about it isn't doing anything. I'm just going to head back home and give them to him. It'll be fine. AHHH. AHHHHHHH. AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH. Everything is okay. I hope he likes them.
Ehe. He's asleep. I'll give them to him when he wakes up...
4:14 PM - You know. I'm quite sleepy myself. Hmm. Maybe I'll leave them on the counter for now and go lay down...I could put a little sticky note on the bouquet with like. A cute little message or something. In case he wakes up before me. Do you think that would be nice? I hope so. I'm so sleepy, so suddenly. Ha!
6:47 PM - Awake! Awake! Awake! Ahh. He's watching a movie. Next to me. Haha. This is all so cute. I should ask him if he liked the flowers...assuming he saw them.
7:33 PM - Drowsy. It's kind of nice to just lay here and relax. I like not doing anything. I like not doing anything next to him. How fun!
8:56 PM - Info-kun left some stuff for me outside of his door. I'll probably pick it up tomorrow once I'm done...with.......my job...that I'm too embarrassed to talk about. He says they are ... "used" by him. Haha. I wonder if they smell like him. Is that weird? I don't know. I've only gotten close to him, physically, like..two times. And. He smelled good. And I want to get close to him again. But he probably wouldn't let me. So this is the closest I'll get for a while, isn't it? LOL. Everyone I know is so generous. Ahh.
I wonder if I could get something to eat with Kage soon. Sometime this week. That would be fun, wouldn't it? We could go out somewhere nice enough. I like doing things with him.
9:08 PM - Kage asked if I wanted to do anything. I'm a boring man. It's a bit late to go out, isn't it? I mean, not for me. But I don't know if Kage would like to go out this late. There's tons of stuff we could do outside. I thought about watching a movie, but he just watched one, so I don't know if sitting down for another hour or two just staring at a screen would be fun. Ahhh! I'm so boring! I miss drinking.
9:20 PM - 
Info-kun posted a photo of me as a blueberry? I'm perplexed.
Anyways. I wonder if Kage has board games. Do people play board games anymore? I used to play that one...candy...game. Candy land. With Kaede. Or, maybe card games? There's tons of fun card games. I could probably pick something up for cheap if he doesn't have any. Is that boring? Am I boring? God. I don't know. Whatever. I'll ask if he's up for it anyways.
9:42 PM - He's looking for board games! And maybe card games. In the basement. RIGHT NOW. How fun. I haven't played anything since. Kaede. I never really played with you 'cos you were always at work. I think. This is a baseless claim. I don't remember if I played with you or not. Mmm.
He brought up a few games! I'm actually only familiar with connect 4...LOL. But it'll be fun to play the other ones too, I'm sure. I doubt I'll need to be taught much. We're getting ready to play...RIGHT NOW...ehe. I'm excited. He'll probably...wipe the floor with me..is that the saying? I don't remember.
Also, I have the hiccups. Don't know why. I haven't drank the much today. I hate hiccups. God.
12:10 AM - Kage has been in bed for a bit. I'm on the couch. I had a lot of fun playing with him. It was kind of nostalgic! Ha. Ha. I wish I remembered more. I think I'll go outside to smoke for a bit. Hopefully the smell won't cling to my clothes too much...? Do you think he'd mind? I'm not sure. I always liked the smell. Embarrassingly, that's kind of what kickstarted my whole dependency on smoking. I liked the smell. Lingered on most of the people I met, and eventually I thought. What's the harm in trying it? And so I bought a pack when I had the money. Bad decision. LOL.
1:46 AM - I stayed out for longer than I needed to. Mostly because I went to retrieve the stuff from Info-kun's house. Wish he'd let me in. Not like I care or anything.
Anyways. I don't think I reek too badly of smoke. I'll put on different clothes and head to bed. I feel. So calm. Haha. I think I'll see if Kage wants to go out to eat tomorrow. As in, I'll ask tomorrow. Not tonight. He's probably asleep right now, actually. I'm not that tired. I'll probably just lay there for a bit. Or, sit there. Sometimes it's nice to listen to people breathe. I'd listen to Maki breathe when I held her. It was relaxing.
Also, much to my joy, the stuff does indeed smell like him. The jacket especially. Now, you may say, "Legal-kun! That's so weird! Did you seriously check immediately after retreiving the stuff from his house!?" Yes. I did. It is weird. I have no excuse.
I like Kage's bed. I like Kage. I'm content. Next to him. I love having a friend. Or, friends? I love it. I love my friend. Friends? I think he's pretty. It's funny, because, we look fairly similar. Of course, not exactly. I'm not him. But enough for me to think it's ironic that I find him so pretty. I know he's probably going to have a hard time this week. I read what he writes. Lol. I hope I'll be able to help him get through it at least a bit.
2:27 AM - Info-kun. You're so confusing.
3:26 AM - Kage seems restless.
Ehh. I think I heard him trip on something. I think I'll go check on him. To see if he's alright.
Think he fell asleep in the bathroom. I'd move him, but I don't think that's a good idea.
Is it weird to drape a blanket over him...in the bathroom? I think so. Maybe I should just move him. Ah.....Yeah. Ok. Okay. I will. And then I'll go to sleep. There's no way he's getting any good amount of rest in there. And, honestly, I'm a little worried about him. I'll just. Bring him to bed. Hopefully, without waking him up...? Uahhh. Goodnight.
4:59 AM - I fell asleep for a bit. And. Had the most absurd dream. I'm really ??? I. I don't know what brought upon this dream and honestly I'm not sure where to start but I need to get this out of my head before I fall back asleep. I dreamt that...me and Infomami were. getting married???? and I was in the whole wedding get-up, but. not a suit. a wedding dress. with a veil and everything. He was in a suit. I wasn't. I don't know why. And after we said our vows, instead of us like. kissing, or whatever happens at weddings, he lifted my veil up to like. Like reveal his face? but. he looked the same as always. His face was entirely obscured by shadows. And I was disappointed. And then.......I...lean closer, and I whisper in his ear, "do you want to know my real name?" - !!!!!! AND THEN I WOKE UP. IN A COLD SWEAT. I'M SO FUCKING CONFUSED? I don't know. Oh my God. Goodnight.
I think that counts as a nightmare. I'm honestly not sure. I woke up mortified.
10:49 AM - I'll probably ask Kage if he wants to go out to eat today soon. I...don't know if...taking his mind off of things would help? I know avoiding the problem doesn't always do much. But maybe it'd be a nice distraction since I'm pretty sure he isn't going to work today. I've never liked seeing him upset. I could pay and we could go wherever he wants. Do you think that'd be nice? Mmm. I don't know. I'll ask him if he's up for it.
Might wear Infomami's jacket today. It's a bit warm out for it but I'm a very cold-blooded man. It smells like him and I. can't stop thinking about it. Eh.
Speaking of, Info-kun invited me over to watch TV with him and Yonaga tonight. Haha. Haha. Yay. I'm excited. I still want to take Kage out beforehand. Maybe we could do something else after we eat? If he's in the mood. Ahh. I don't know. I want to help.
12:13 PM - My eyes hurt really bad. Think I'm gonna sit outside for a bit. Maybe smoke. IDK. I haven't missed you in a while. At least, not more than I usually do. I always miss you. I guess I've just been so distracted with everything good around me that I don't really have time to remember you aren't there. Not how I'd like you to be. I thought about him last night - or, me, not me, but. Him. Me. Whoever. Not me. I wonder what he'd look like. I wonder how he'd act. Would he be better off if I never did what I did? Or do we always end up going down the same path no matter what? I think I love him. But. I'm not sure. It's kind of hard to grasp being in love with the concept of yourself if you weren't you, or. If you WERE you, I guess, fits better in my case. Me if I was me. I love him, but I'm not sure he'd like me. I don't know if I'd like him either. Love and like are two very different things. You can love someone and not like them. You can like someone and not love them. I think he'd hate me. I miss him. Do you miss him, too? Does it feel weird when you talk to me? I worry it does, sometimes. I feel like a sort of cruel imitation of him when I talk to you. I keep trying to pretend to be someone I don't know. Because. That's who you know. He's yours. I'm not. I wonder if he'd smoke like I do. Would we like the same stuff? How much of "me" is entirely influenced by the live I've lived? Does it go as deep as my tastebuds? Maybe he'd hate food that I love. And vice versa. Sometimes I look in the mirror and see him. Or, what I think he'd be. The more my roots grow out, the more I see him. But I'm not him. He's been dead for years.
1:26 PM - Asked Kage if he'd like to go out. He seemed unsure! I don't want to force him to do anything. Maybe I could pick something up for us? Or just him. I'm not that hungry. I'll need to go out for a bit either way. There's stuff I need to take care of. Is he hungry either? I don't know. I guess I just want to do something for him.
2:06 PM - I don't know. I'm trying to think.
2:20 PM - Well. I do have to leave for a bit. I'll let Kage know and then head out. And...hopefully pick something up for him! I would do something sweet, like a pastry, but. I don't know if he can handle those well from what I recall. Fruit is always an option, but that's kind of underwhelming. An apple a day keeps The Upset away? No? Okay. Sorry. I'm really trying to think. Maybe he doesn't want anything at all. I wish I was better at this stuff! Uahh. I don't have an overwhelming amount of cash, but since I'm staying here longer, I don't have to spend as much money on certain necessities...so I have...a bit to spend on frivolous stuff. Eh. IDK. I'll go to a store or something once I'm done with what I need to do and see what they have. I need to pick up a few things for myself anyways.
3:38 PM - I'm so sweaty. Ahhh. I need to shower when I get back. Home? when I get back. I'm at the store now. It's kind of funny that they still have some Valentine's day stuff out for sale. It's all wayyy marked down, though, 'cos it's a good few months past Valentine's. There's this really cute cat plush...and it's only $5.............maybe. I wonder if Kage would also appreciate a cute plushie...? I'm not so sure. It's kind of childish, I guess...so...maybe not. I'll find something else for him. I need more toothpaste. IDK. Might just pick up something that reminds me of him. Even if it's silly. I've done sillier things. It's not like it would cause any harm. It'd just be...corny, at worst. Ehh. Yeah. I wonder if there's any Info-kun adjacent paraphernalia, too...
3:53 PM - I kind of miss sleeping on the ground. I think I'm going to lay on the floor for a bit once I get back. I know I said I wouldn't get a plushie for him because that's childish but they're so cheap and so cute. Ohh. It's a blue one...with a little bow...isn't that adorable...????? I'll leave it on the counter again so I don't have to think about it. I am terrible at the "giving" part of gift giving. Embarrassing. I'm checking out now...and then I'll be home! Home. It's so weird to call it that. Makes me feel entitled. Is that my home? Am I allowed to call it that? I don't know. Kage's house.
4:12 PM - Back at Kage house...!!! I put the plush on the counter. I'm not sure where he is right now. Oh well. Floor time. I'll probably fall asleep. I have to be at Infomami's house by 9PM sharp...so, what, I should leave around 30 minutes earlier, right? Probably. I wonder if Kage will want to do anything together beforehand. Mmmhhhhh. I don't know. Thinking is hard. Everything is hard.
6:35 PM - I keep having weird dreams. That one was particularly upsetting. I don't think I'm going to talk about it here. My legs are hurting again. I always used to think they'd give out on me.
Sometimes I see girls with pretty long blonde hair and I wonder if Kaede ever kept hers that way. Did she keep bleaching it? It suited her so well, but brown hair did too. I guess I just thought she was pretty no matter the hair color. God. I miss her. FML.
9:09 PM - At Infomami (and Yonaga)'s house now. Been here for like ten minutes. It's Love Island time...ehhe. I'm happy. I missed him.
I wonder if Kage saw the little cat plush. Hmmmm. I probably won't stay for too long.
11:19 PM - Back home. Kage's house. Back at Kage's house. I think he's asleep. I had a lot of fun with Infomami and Yonaga. I've never........seen that show before. Wow! I never expected Info-kun would enjoy watching that kind of thing. Though, in retrospect, I guess it makes sense? Hmm. Learning so much about him lately. I think I'm going to...take a shower, and get in bed with Kage. I hope he liked the plushie...ehhe. It's so childish. I know. Ahh. I'm so tired.
Sometimes when I'm next to him I want to hold him. Ehh. Is that too weird? He held me. Kind of. On the couch. And it was really nice. I liked being so close to him. Maybe. maybe it would be okay if . i don't know. would he mind? ahh. maybe i'll sleep a little closer tonight.
1:11 AM - There are not enough words in the english language to properly describe the intensity of the pain I am experiencing at this very moment. Everthing hurts. My stomach hurts. My legs hurt. My head hurts. I feel like I'm going to throw up. Ughh. What the hell? Is this. What. my body's delayed reaction to sitting so close to Yonaga? Because she's. Radioactive and all. Oh my God. I don't know. I doubt it. But I feel like death. I can't sleep. Fuck my life. I think I'm actually gonna hurl. Hold on
1:38 AM - Ran to the bathroom and threw up. Whatever. Are you team Edward or Jacob? Personally I'm neither because they both suck. If I was Bella I would've shot myself.
thi s is wherre i get my DICK SUCKED...m y BALLS TUGGED ON...ONE BY ONE... ahh i wanna die everyhting hurts oh m y god . hhhk. i'm gonna cr.y Ouuhhghh.Whatever. Back to bed.
2:02 AM - My head doesn't really hurt anymore. Everything else does. I'm afraid that if I fall asleep I'll end up latching onto Kage like a koala. Oh well. I've unfortunately always been a clingy sleeper. I don't know how I've managed to not grab onto him at all since I started sleeping in the bed. I used to...cling onto you. When I slept in your bed. You remember that, I'm sure. And I did it again not too long ago, I think. The last time I saw you. It's kind of embarrassing. I need to find a way to stop myself from doing that eventually.
10:27 AM - I'm not sure what my problem was last night, 'cos I feel fine enough now. That was weird. You'd think I was dying with how I was acting. It really wasn't that bad. I just threw up. My legs hurting wasn't even related to it, they just always hurt. OMG. I am a drama queen. I puked my guts out and my first thought was...I NEED TO BLOG!!!! Ok. I don't know when I fell asleep. I kind of don't recall getting into bed at all. Eh. I was probably out of it 'cos I got sick. I'm still sleepy...I think...I'm gonna go back to bed. Yeahh. Kage is still asleep, I think. Or very convincingly pretending to be asleep! You never know. Eye emoji.
I wonder if Kage has anything to do today. We should make those sesame balls...the things...did he get the stuff for them? I don't remember. I'll ask. If he didn't, I can go pick it up. Well. If he wants to make them at all. I think part of me is just excited to do anything kitchen related at all again. LOL.
1:40 PM - Everybody wants you. That's so fucking funny.
1:57 PM - Think I'm going to take a shower. Can I be honest? I always ask that even though I know you can't directly answer me. I'm going to be honest. I kind of dread taking showers. I hate getting naked. I hate having to be anywhere near my own naked body. I hate having to look at my body. I really, truly, do not enjoy it. I kind of have to psyche myself up to even take my clothes off. That makes me sound filthy. I still do shower. It is just incredibly distressing. And sometimes it makes me cry. Maybe this shouldn't be on the Main Blog but I'm putting it here anyways. I have to be vulnerable here every once in a while! Okay. Shower time. Yayyy.
Sorry for how often I mess up the dating of my entries. I keep forgetting what day it is!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
3:05 PM - It hurts to sit down and I can't pinpoint why
3:54 PM - Still hurts. I think I'm going to lay back down. Uahh.
5:23 PM - Gonna head out and pick the stuff we need for the ... FRIED SESAME BALLS .. up! Not sure if he wants to make them with me. If not I'll just make them myself and hopefully not fuck up horribly. I've never had them before so I'm not sure how they're supposed to taste. I just know he wanted them a while ago...hmmm.
(I will place my trust in an online recipe, obviously.)
My lower half still hurts quite a lot, but it's fine. Not the worst it could be, and I'm a tough man!
6:00 PM - I think I saw him. At the store. I don't get it. Why would he be here? I mean. We're both older now. I guess it makes sense that he wouldn't be exactly where I left him. But why here? Why are you here? Ah. So strange. I stared at him for a few minutes and he caught me looking. And he didn't recognize me at all. He looked all confused and tilted his head at me. I apologized and told him I liked his hair. and his piercings. Thought he looked cool. He had more than he did when we were teenagers. His hair was still the same color. A bit longer now. He looked happier. It was him, I know it was. That's so weird. Why are you here? Haha. Ahh. Whatever. Whateverrrr. I got the stuff, according to the recipe I pulled up. Kind of excited. I'll ask Kage if he wants to make them with me when I get back. My chest hurts.
6:53 PM - Eh. I don't feel okay. If I have to be honest I think I might breakdown. I'm still not back at the house. I don't know. You never prepare yourself for stuff like that. He looked so much happier. He really has been better off without me. Wow! I. mean. It's been 5 years. Of course he'd get his shit together eventually. But. Fuck. I don't know. It's not like I wanted him to look wrecked and depressed. I just. feel sad. Guilty? for leaving like I did. Agh. It's fine. I will not break down. I am being dramatic. It's okay. I'm heading back now. Haha. Now. Now. Ah
8:44 PM - Making the DEEP FRIED SESAME BALLS! Kage is helping!!! Yay! If they turn out terrible at least we can feel bad about it together. Hehe. I jest. They'll probably turn out fine. He asked if we could drink together tonight. I was hoping he'd ask eventually! I've been too shy to myself. I'd love to drink with him. It's been a while. Ahh. Nice night. I'm happy. I'm okay.
11:45 PM - Kage went to bed. I'll probably sit outside for a little and then join him later. I neeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeedddddddd...to...ehh. I don't need to do anythhing.I just like sitting outside. Yeah.
12:28 AM - Bedtime, I think. I'm not really that tired. I guess I just want to be next to him again. Yawnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnn. Yawn. Yawn.
12:49 AM - Another night, another cryptic set of messages from you. God. I never understand anything when it comes to you. Are you dying? Are you drugged? Wuhhhh?????? I can't stand you. I don't mean that. I love you, but. Fuck. You're so confusing.
Infomami is gonna get me painkillers. He's sooooo sweet. Haha. I think I annoyed him when I called him moody. Too cute!
1:54 AM - I'm tired. Uehhh. So tired. Kage woke up for a few minutes and then when right back to sleep. It was kind of cute. He drools a lot. Drool boy. LMAO. (said with love). Ahh. He makes me wanna barf. 'Cos he's so cute. When I say that people are like "well when you say it makes you wanna barf it sounds like you hate it" and they just don't get it. Have you seriously never seen something so cute that it makes you sick? Kage is so cute that it makes me sick. Imagining Info-kun as a boyscout is so cute that it makes me sick. Dogs are so cute that it makes me sick. Maybe I'm just weird. It's like when people get "cuteness aggression" or whatever. I get nausea. and it's literally fine. I LOVE CUTE THINGS!!!!!! Ahh!!!! So tired. I'm happy tonight. Even though weird and objectively upsetting things happened today. I'm still happy. It's weird.
Um. But. I am kind of worried about you. It's like this gnawing feeling in the back of my mind. And the weird shit you're sending me really isn't helping. Please don't die. Haha. I'll kill myself. I'm so fucking serious. I'm not sure if I'll actually be able to sleep. Ehh. I'm kind of assuming the worst. And the image I have in my head is really, really upsetting. And I don't like it. And I'm trying not to think about it. Ahh. I might cry. Whatever. Bedtime. I'm going to bed whether I like it or not. Uehhhh..........
2:19 AM - I'm okay. I need to stop being such a crybaby! My God. Everything is fine. I had a good day today. I'm safe. I'm. next to Kage. Haha. Fun! You'll be okay. and you'll message me in a few days asking me if I remember some shit I absolutely do not remember. but I'll lie and say I do. It's okay. I'm tired and I'm not scared. And Kage's bed is really comfy. And he's drooling again. Haha. Drool boy.
10:06 AM - I keep having weird dreams. Uehhh. I'm not going to get up for a while. In such a strange mood right now.
Kage is shaking really bad. He must be freezing. Mmm. Thinking thinking 1 2 3...
1:34 PM - Up. Up. Ahh! I'm hungry. I need to go out and take care of something again for a bit today. But I have some time before that...hmmmm.......ehhhh...Maybe me and Kage could watch something. I like watching stuff with him. I'm not sure where he is right now. None of my business, I suppose!
My stomach hurts kind of bad. But it's fine. Not nausea or anything, it's like a weird sharp pain right below my ribs. Yikes.
6:22 PM - Sorry. I. fucked around for a bit. Lol. uh. Got my shit done and went home finally. I'm tired. I wonder where Kage is. We haven't talked much today.
I'm tired. I wonder if he's sleeping? Maybe we can nap together. I don't know. I think I need to stop trying to do everything together. I worry I'm being a little suffocating.
8:37 PM - my heart is beating so fast. feeling like i'm about to pass out. it's okay, though. found kage. he was on the floor for a bit. hmmmmm. i missed him a little. it's funny, because we've been in the same house for a few hours now. i just. i don't know. maybe we can watch something. i'd suggest something more fun, but. i don't have the energy. and it's late. soon. i need to take him out to eat eventually. maybe once this week passes.
9:12 PM - We're watching TV. Yay! He's leaning on me again. Haha. Maybe this time I'll put my arm around him! Maybe. Maybe. I don't know.
10:59 PM - Went to bed with Kage some time ago. He said he was tired. I'm not that sleepy, buttttt. It's okay. I like sitting around in bed. Not something I've gotten to do for much of my life. Nice night. I'm glad we spent some time together. I'm kind of. really hot right now. and I want to smoke. But I don't feel like getting up. Eh. Whatever. Later, maybe when Kage is asleep.
12:39 AM - Mmmmm. Think he's asleep. I'm gonna go smoke for a bit. Maybe even take my shirt off! Scandalous! I'm just. so hot. ahhhhh!!!!!!!!!!
I wonder if Infomami smokes. He seems like the type to. Maybe one day we can smoke together. Do you think he'd want to? I'm not sure.
2:13 AM - Went back inside. Kage is sniffling? Maybe. I. Can talk to him. Maybe he wants to talk. I'll talk to him.
3:48 AM - He fell asleep on me. Haha! I guess. I guess it's my bedtime. My throat feels a little weird. My allergies might be acting up. I'll take some of that...uhhh...the...stufffff/.../ that Kage got me... a wwhile ago. Yeahhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh. I'm like. in a weird middle area of being soooo tired and soooo awake. It's odd. Oh well. I'll fall asleep soon. Especially with him laying on me. So cute!
Me and...Tsumugi. My Tsumugi. We used to stay up together for days on end. We were so bad for each other. LOL. Weirdly enough, she was the only other person I got...semi-close to dating, after Kaede. I wassssss.......19? Not that long ago. Two, three years. Something like that. I think we were downright evil to each other sometimes. Haha. I miss her. She should've killed me. Put me out of my misery. Like...uuuuuuh. Like a super sick dog. Obviously, I don't want her to kill me now. But she should've killed me then. I'd be dead and she'd get locked up. We'd both get what we deserve. I don't know why I'm thinking about that, actually. I don't want to die, and I'm content never seeing her face again. Huh. I'm a little scared of every Tsumugi I see. What if they all want me dead like she did when I left? LOLLLLLL. I know they don't, but. Still. I guess getting killed by a pretty lady is one of the better ways to go out. Sometimes I feel like I died years ago and I'm just a walking corpse. When I saw you last, it kind of felt like I was looking at a walking corpse. Like, it was wrong. Like neither of us should've been there, alive, and stuff. I don't recognize you like I should. Do you recognize me? Do you see him when you look at me? I try to be him, for you, but I think you can tell it's not real. Sorry. I love you.
I wonder what color I should dye my hair next. Maybe I'll go back to black for the first time since I was like...14...hahahhaha.haha. Haha. Haha. Haha. Haha. I remember that. I remember it. I do. I remember. Do you? No, you don't. Because you weren't there. I'm not mad. My whole life feels so disorganized now that you're back in it. Not like it was organized before, but. everything. all of it. it's . I don't know. I try not to think about it. There's so much you can't ever find out. I'd seriously lose my mind if you did. When I used to get like this, she'd. Ah. Ah. I was so mean to her. We were awful. She's probably dead now. Overdosed on something. I didn't know a lot about her. I just knew we'd been through a lot of the same shit, she just had a home to go back to. I didn't. And I kind of loved her. Not really, but, kind of. I felt something close to it. Her apartment was a mess. And it reeked. And I spent a lot of my time there. Think I burned a hole in her couch once. Eh. I don't. I don't miss her. I'm not sure why I said I did. Thinking about her actually makes me feel kind of sick. God. I need to go to bed. I'm getting tired anyways. Kage is warm. And nice. and everything is fine. Goodnight, I love you. Learn how to dodge bullets, please.
5:42 AM - Still not asleep. I think I will be soon, though. Ahhh. So sleepy. So warm! I hear the birds chirping. God. I need to stop staying up so late. I don't mean to, not anymore. Goodnight, for real this time. I'm calmer now, I think.
12:15 PM - Awake. Ahhh.. I'm still a little tired. Kage seems a bit off this morning. It's not surprising, but. You know. I'm not sure if I should leave him be or try and hang out with him. Hmmmmmmmmmm. I don't. Know. I'm hungry. I want to eat at a breakfast place...or..like, a diner...there was a diner in our town. Mine and yours. I ate there with Kaede and her mom a few times. Her mom was a nice lady. Always paid for me. She washed my hair for me a few times. It kind of felt like I was her kid too, lol. I didn't have many other friends in school. People didn't talk to me much and they thought I was weird. I never got picked on, though, because it seems like everybody knew you'd be pissed if they picked on me and you found out. Haha. Ah.
3:05 PM - Kage went out for a bit. I have a really. weird chest pain. Not like, anxiety. Like my chest actually, physically hurts. Ough. It's fine. Really uncomfortable, though. I'll probably head out for a bit too, while he's gone. Maybe. I kind of miss
3:37 PM - Ehhh. Ehhhhhhhhhhhrgieniievniejnkjnkjvndjvnskjdvnsnvkejvnienvianvsijdvnjdkv. Old habits die hard. I said that already, somewhere else. My throat hurts. It's too early to do anything with anyone anywhere. I don't even want to. I don't know what I'm doing. I think I'll just head back and wait for Kage. That was such a stupid idea.
8:34 PM - Mom? Can you come back? Lol. I'm kidding. Kage has been home for a bit. Didn't want to bother him so I've just been staying out of his way. Mmm.
9:34 PM - Me and Kage are going to have dinner together. Yayyy! I'm not sure what, though. Maybe I could cook for him...since he doesn't seem to be feeling all that well today. Would that be nice? Ehh. I'll see what he's in the mood for and figure out what to do from there.
10:10 PM - I've been thinking of what we could eat for a few minutes now. He said he's alright with anything...hmmm. Maybe something light? My throat is really scratchy today, for some reason, so something with broth might be nice. Or like. A soup. Easy to make, too. I like soup. Kaede's mom used to bring soup over to the house occasionally. She always gave me leftovers when she noticed that you were coming home a little later. She was so nice to me. Mmm. Yeah. I'll see if he's alright with...some sort of soup......and then get to work! Yayyy!
10:34 PM - Made soup. Kind of improvised and just put whatever soup-esque veggies we had in it. But it's warm. and yummy. Mmmm. Soup! Feels nice on my throat. I like cooking for him, I've discovered. Hm.
11:24 PM - In bed. I'm kind of tired. Probably 'cos I stayed up so late last night. I don't know why I got so freaked out. Sometimes my mind just...like...wanders. And I start thinking about stuff I don't want to remember. And I know that I don't want to keep thinking about it. But my brain doesn't stop. Hah. I'm doing it again! No more. No moreee. I'm in bed next to Kage and I'm comfortable.
4:23 AM - Sometimes I wish I could help you more. I'm sorry I can't. You seem restless. Again. Hmm.
I don't know. I'm so tired. So, so, so, so, so unbearably tired. I remember, one night, I got really, really drunk. And she leaned in to kiss me, and I threw up all over her. Yikes. I only ever felt awful back then. I still do. Just, in different ways, I guess. Sometimes I miss how I felt then. Being this comfortable now feels so inexplicably wrong. I don't deserve this. No matter how much I hate it, I should be out on the streets doing the same shit I've always done. You know? The thought of it makes me sick, yet I still feel this need to go back to it, because. I shouldn't be this comfortable. In an ideal world, I'm bleeding again, and nobody will help me. I think I'll die before I'm 30. I'm not physically healthy, and I'm mentally unwell. Worst of all, I'm pretty fucking stupid. I'll get myself killed one way or another. It's a miracle I've even made it this far. Is it wrong to say that sometimes I wish I didn't find him again? I love him more than anything, but I just don't know what to do now that he's back. If I never found him, I could at least kill myself with little to no guilt. Eh. I guess. He's not the only person stopping me from doing that, but. He's one of them. I wonder what he was like when he was a kid. I wish I remembered. It's kind of obvious he's a shell of a man now, or whatever. So. I wish I remembered what he was like before all of this. Ehh. I need to stop wasting my time thinking about stuff that can't be helped. I used to try her glasses on. Her prescription was super outdated. Like, by at least 6 years. I'm not sure why she still wore them at that point. I guess, because they suited her. She looked cute with them on. I like people who wear glasses.
I think I need to go to bed.
1:00 PM - I don't feel very well, like, physically. I think I've caught another cold. A much smaller one than before. But. Good lord. Natural selection is real and I'm next. I'm in bed. I already took medicine. I kind of want to kill myself. Kage is out doing something. Not sure what. I guess it's none of my business. I don't feel too bad. My throat is just so scratchy. And my nose is all stuffy. Uehhh. Maybe I'll make more soup...later. Ehh.
3:34 PM - Kage came home. He says he wants to do something! Hm. Sorry. I'm so boring. I used to be a lot more fun. Maybe I can take him out to eat now? Uh. Now that he wants to do something. Even though I feel a little sick. Is he hungry? I'm not sure. Would he even want to go out? He just came back from going out. I don't know. I'll talk to him. Maybe he just wants to talk. I like talking to him.
4:07 PM - We're going out! I wonder if there's anywhere nice to eat. That isn't crazy expensive. I guess we'll just have to look around! That's fun, too. I'm still not very familar with the area. It's chillier out today. I think I'll wear Info-kun's - er, Info-Daddy's jacket. Haha. What a stupid name.
8:14 PM - Stayed out for a while. I had fun. It was nice. We're laying down and watching something now...though I don't think he's really paying attention at all. He seems kind of, like, super sleepy. I could probably put something really stupid on and he wouldn't even notice. LOL. I won't, though. I'm still not tired. Again. I'm never tired anymore. Until I am. I don't know. I wish I got to go to high school. I wonder what it would've been like. When I was younger, I liked to pretend I was a naughty teenager skipping my classes and doing shit I wasn't supposed to, instead of a homeless, essentially dead teenager ruining what's left of his life. LOL. Felt a lot more easy to...romanticize, I guess. Like a coming of age movie. I never really felt like I was able to grow up. I was 12, and then I was 21. Or...22, I forget. Shit, maybe I'm 23? I don't know. When I'm writing out my suicide note (for real, this time) I'll tell you all about the shit I've done. It'll be like an autobiography. I think I'm self-obsessed enough to write one of those. I wonder if anybody would find it? It's not like I have a room to hang myself in or something. Maybe I'll overdose and stuff the note (or, probably, notes, plural) in my pocket. They'll find it when they poke and prod at my corpse. Bunch of strangers will get to know my whole life story. Though, I doubt they'd care to read. People only ever want one thing from me.
I don't know why my train of thought has been so dark lately. I get in my head so much, and suddenly I'm planning my suicide like I didn't feel fine a few minutes ago. Eh. I won't kill myself. Not for a long, long while. I still have a lot of life left to live. A lot of lives, if you will. It'll always be the same shit, over and over again. And I'll keep living. Because that's the only thing I've been able to do so consistently. I need to live. Or else everything I've done up until now would've been entirely useless. If I was ever going to kill myself, it should've been years ago, when I first thought of it. I can't back out now. Especially not right now. There's a cute guy next to me!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
You know, I feel okay. Objectively, thinking about that and writing about it didn't put me in a bad mood, and I wasn't in a bad mood beforehand, either. It's just kind of morbid. And misleading. I'm happy right now. I had a good time out with Kage, and I'm watching TV with him. Kind of. I think he's falling asleep. If I put a horror movie on once he passes out. would it, like, subliminally give him nightmares? I don't want that to happen. But I do kind of want to watch a scary movie. Maybe it'd be better to do that when he's awake...I'd feel so guilty if I turned out to sort-of-kind-of be the cause of his sudden and unexplainable nightmares all because I wanted to watch a scary movie...!!!!!! I'd have to hide away in shame and never, ever show my face again! Like I always do, or whatever. He's so warm. He always is! Or maybe I'm just cold all the time.
Do you ever worry that you can't properly love people? Like, romantically, platonically, or...familial...ly? Like. I don't know. Maybe my years and years of being completely selfsh and self-serving has damaged my abilty to love those around me. You know, I love people. But. It's always been...me, before them. It had to be. Or else they'd take advantage of me when I'm weak and damage me irreparably. And, it's important to note, I'm weak all the time. Whether I'm drugged or drunk or sober. I'm weak. So I have to be selfish. I can't stick around for people that'll only ever use my weakness against me in the end. I have to. You know. Hurt them first. I. Don't know. That doesn't sound good, because it's not. I've been trying to be nicer. Mostly when it comes to Kage, I guess. He wouldn't hurt me. That much is, and has been obvious to me, for a while. He's too good for that. Too good for me? Ha. Ha. I don't think I can ever love someone normally again. And thinking about that does make me a little sad. Even though it wouldn't really matter if I could love someone normally. I'll never have a life normal enough for it to change anything. I can't have a solid group of friends. I can't get married. I can't have kids - and God knows I don't want to, fuck, the thought of a bunch of little me's running around is kind of sickening. I should not be allowed to reproduce. Eh.
Sometimes I wish I could grab Infomami by his stupid puffed out collar and hold him there for a few seconds. Really, I'd tell him anything he wants to know if it weren't for the fact that I really enjoy playing this game with him. I like having him try to figure me out. I like trying to figure him out. I've never done that before, and nobody has ever done that for me. Makes me feel good. Gghghhhgghkkk.
8:54 PM - I like watching TV next to Kage. Sorry for writing so much. You can disregard everything above this entry. It's all useless. No, I won't delete it. Because I spent a lot of time writing it, that's why!!!!!!!!!! Stop interrogating me, God! What are you, my mom!? Haha. I'm kidding. See, I was doing it just then, I was pretending to be a naughty teenager in a coming of age movie!!! Hahaha. Hahhahahaaha. LOL. ROFL. LOLOLOLOLLLL. ghhghhh. I'm giving myself a headache. Rereading everything I've written is almost as annoying and painful as hearing a recording of yourself speaking. Euhh...do I really sound like that...???? I am absolutely fucking insufferable. Oh my god. Anyways. I think Kage has fallen asleep. He falls asleep so quick. It's really cute. One second he's there, and the next, he's completely out! I like when he lays on me. It reminds me of a lot of my old friends. I always liked when people used me as a pillow. Even though I'm really boney, so, realistically, it couldn't have been that comfortable. I like laying on other people, too. It just happens less often. I never really have a reason to, and I rarely trust anyone enough anymore. Maybe one day. I wonder if he'd let me. Probably not. But it's a cute thought.
9:59 PM - My head hurts so bad. I think it's bedtime. I'm not that tired, but. I need to sleep. It hurts really bad. I guess I am tired, now that I think about it more. I might hold onto Kage a bit. Eh. I hope he doesn't mind.
1:18 PM - I'm not sure when I woke up. Or when I went to bed. Or how long I've been awake. It feels like I've just gained consciousness! Eh. Anyways. Not sure where Kage is. If he's home, he's probably in the bathroom...I've learned that if I can't find him, he's usually there, or in the bedroom! And he's not in the bedroom. Because I'm in here, and I don't see him! I'm kind of hungry. I want...a...breakfast bagel...mmm. With like. Egg and stuff. Yeahhh.
2:19 PM - Kage went out for a bit. Don't know when he'll be back. That's okay, though. I'll wait for him ever so diligently like a good freeloader should! Probably gonna hang outside while he's gone. Maybe smoke. I need to buy more, soon...uehhh. I like messing with Info-kun. So much, actually. It's so unbelievably fun. I love getting a reaction from him. Hahaha. Haahhhahahahihwiuhwiobwribelibefjbdkjvndfvneakgjbeijberlwbkvgeirjiuehioerhkjvbdfbdajfnvfhhahahhhaehibghhhbgihbgoabh
3:17 PM - I keep sneezing...!!! Oh my God! This pollen is fucking me up!!!!!!! Have mercy on my weary soul!!!!!!!!!! >_<"
4:29 PM - Kage came home. Brought food! Yummy. He is so infinitely gracious. I feel like I'm on cloud nine today. If you ignore how much I've been sneezing. I am positively chipper and nothing is wrong. EEEEEEEK!!!!!!!!!!!!! I'm kind of hot, though. I think I'll put my hair up. I don't usually wear my hair up because I think it makes me look girly. But I guess there's nothing wrong with that, in retrospect. Looking girly is fine...I pull it off well enough...ehh..whatever.
6:27 PM - Oh my fucking God. I keep sneezing. I should kill myself to put an end to this continous suffering. All jokes. I won't do that. Probably gonna eat dinner soon. Maybe roll around in the dirt afterwards. Info-kun had long hair in high school...God...Why did he have to cut it...? Uahhh. I jest. He looks good with his current hair length, too. I just think he'd look really pretty with long hair. Wish I got to see it. Fuckkkk. Maybe Kage and me can watch TV together again. In a little bit. I LOVE WATCHING TV... I stayed with this old guy for a while. years ago. and he only ever watched super old black and white western movies. and it was hell. being able to watch literally anything other than that is so much more fun.
7:49 PM - Whew. Feel like shit all of a sudden. Uhhhhgh. Whatever. I think I'm gonna go sit outside with Kage. I really like being outside. And I really like being near Kage! Even if we don't talk. I wish I took your Mp3 player when I left. Fuuuuck. I always wanted one of those. A few kids at my school had them and I was SO FUCKING JEALOUS. WHY DO YOU HAVE WHAT I DON'T HAVE???? Lol. I'm kidding. It wasn't that serious. I just wanted one reaaaally bad. Still do. They're so cute. I'd much prefer having one over like...using spotify..or whatever...I hate Spotify. Annoying app. And. When I was with Rantaro. Not like...uh, with him, but you know. With him. We used to listen to music together. He'd give me one earphone and he'd have the other. That was nice. FML. I'm going to sit outside with Kage now. I hope he doesn't mind if I bother him a bit. Hey Kage. Hey. hey. Hey Kage. Kage. Hi. Kage. Kage. Hi. Kage. Hey Kage. Hi. Kage. << - accurate representation of what I'll be doing in a few minutes probably.
I love the way that you say that I'm boring
10:02 PM - Me and Kage went in a bit ago. I'm so hot. I've stripped down to my most naked form...!!! A t-shirt and shorts. LOL. And my hair is up. EEEK!!!!!!!! I'M SO INDECENT! I'm thirsty. Watching TV on the couch with Kage. I would love to hold onto him right now but it's so hot that I think it would kill both of us were we to sit any closer. I feel so happy today. Everything is fine. And my guitar is perfectly stringed!...Haha. I don't have a guitar. That's just the name of a song I like.
10:49 PM - God. It's hotter than the devil's asshole in here. Fuck me. What the hell. Kage opened all the windows. I think I'm going to lay on the floor for a little while.
1:00 AM - Man. I think nighttime just does something to me. Nighttime makes me suicidal. Fuck that! You keep messaging me shit that makes me nervous. Stop that. I hate being nervous. Aghh. I'm going to go lay down. And. Maybe Kage will join me eventually. Whooooo knows. I hope so!
3:23 AM - Kage is in bed. He must've came in at some point after I fell asleep. Ah. Ah. You know. I didn't like falling asleep without him. Is that stupid? I think it is. I'm so stupid. Stupid. Ah. But. He's in bed now. Hi, Kage! I missed you! Kage! Why aren't you responding? Am I muted? Haha. I'm kidding. My head kind of hurts. I'm going back to bed.
I want to see Infomami again soon. Gghhhk.
2:14 PM - Made Kage soup. He isn't feeling well. Aww. I want to hug him and sing him a little song.
The nun is tormenting me again.
3:11 PM - I think he was planning on going back to work today, but I doubt that'll happen now. I should check him temp...maybe he has a FEVER!!! EGADS!!! I'll quiz him on his symptoms and see what medicine he should take. Though. He probably shouldn't take any on such an empty stomach. Soup is only so filling. Ah. I love playing doctor! I feel so useful! Haha. I do want him to feel better though, like, seriously. I hate seeing him like this!
6:14 PM - Got Kage Ibuprofen. I suppose I'll just stay near him for the rest of the day in case he needs me. Poor Kage.
You know. I think I make Infomami so nervous. And I think that's really, really funny. I want to keep making him nervous. I want to see his face when I do.
8:35 PM - I. Wanna smokeeee. Ugh. I think I need to buy more. I don't feel like it. Oh well. Tsumugi once put her cigarette out on me and I popped a bonerrrrrrrrrrrrrr. Sorry. I don't know why I'm telling you that.
10:06 PM - Kage asked if I wanted to watch TV a bit ago. So you'll never guess what I'm doing now. Hehe. Watching TV!!! He let me pick what to watch. I put on a true crime documentary...wehhh...it's been so long since I've watched one...they're so intersting to me. I LOVE DOCUMENTARIES!!!!!!!!!!!!
My body is a bit sore. I'm not sure why. Especially my thighs. Not fun. ubfjbfiawbiwfbhawbhwhfhiwfhiwjfwivwhvnewfbuwfhwiufhwifwjirn rrgoawgbwfiijwvrwhiwhfhghhghghgjjhjhkk i hat e being sore
12:28 AM - I don't feel great.
3:06 AM - I like spending time with Kage. I felt his eyes on me a few times. Haha! So cute. I'm so sleepy. So sleepy. Info-kun called be a bitch yesterday and I felt it in my stomach. I cannot elaborate on that any further.
So so so so sleepy. My head hurts. We should go out to a nice resturant eventually.
7:49 AM - I am so tired. So so so so so tired. Again. Ahhh. I'm sleepy. I want to sleep forever.
I know a lot more about you than I ever thought I would. And the more I think about it, the happier I get. Hahahahhhhaha. Why did you tell me all of that? Huh? Huh? Huh? You didn't need to. Not at all. But you did it anyways. Did you want to tell me? Ahhhhhhh. I wanted to tell you. I'm going back to sleep. I can't keep thinking about this.
1:18 PM - Kage hasn't been in the best mood today, I think. I'm a little worried. I'll probably try and ask him what's wrong in a few. I don't know if I'm that big of a help...but I'd feel terrible if I just ignored something so obvious. I don't like when he doesn't feel okay.
3:45 PM - i talked with infomami last night, or. this morning? and he told me a lot. a lot more than i ever thought he'd willingly spill to me. It's like, he accidentally said one thing - and then everything else came out. and i wonder why. i don't think he trusts me that much. but he told me anyways. why did he do that? i can't fathom it. and. obviously, no, i won't like.......leak his information and shit. INFO DROP NO.1: RANTARO INFOMAMI. lol. i have nothing to gain from that and. i like him. i don't want to do that to him. i don't know. as scary as it is for him to have my real name, i highly doubt he'd ever do anything with it. why would it matter? who would care enough? the only person who'd care is me. and then i'd disappear again, like i always do. there's just no reason for him to leak it. i like telling him stuff about me. and i like learning stuff about him. i think. i learned stuff that. he didn't really mean to tell me. and he didn't seem to want to talk about it. so i didn't push. i guess it makes me feel closer to him, in a way. we're a lot more similar than even he knows. which is comforting. to some extent.
i'd usually put this in the secret area of my blog but i don't really feel like it. who cares, you know? nobody is reading this. eh. this is going to sound way too sappy for what our relationship actually is. but i like him a lot. i like messing with him and figuring him out and spilling all my deep dark secrets to him. and worst of all. i just enjoy him as a person. that's fucking nasty. oh my god. and, i'm sorry, on account of the fact you've pleaded with me several times to go with "anyone but him", but i am, unfortunately, kind of enamored. i want to know him. like, actually. i want there to be more than just a back-and-forth game we play of telling each other our secrets. though, that is fun too. i like it. i get this...eh. fear? when i think about telling him everything about me. not because i think he'd hate me or use it against me. but because i'm scared he'd lose interest in me and all of this would just...cease to continue. because he knows everything about me. there's no fun left in it. and i don't want that to happen. it almost makes me feel inclined to keep doing bad shit so i'll never run out of stuff to tell him. and that's bad. lol. this is the most up front i'll ever be with how i feel about him. ever. you're never hearing this from me again because it's genuinely so fucking embarrassing that i want to pump lead into my skull. fuck my life.
he is on my mind so much more than he needs to be. and, quite frankly, so much more than i want him to be. oh my god. do you have any idea how compromising this is? i'd tell him anything he wanted to know if he asked nice enough. i'm an idiot. and one day he'll use all the shit i'll end up telling him against me and i'll have no one to blame but myself. and i really. don't care as much as i should. i don't know if it's just because i don't really believe that'll happen, or if i'm just prepared for it. but i don't care. i don't want to run or revoke anything i've said. god.
4:35 PM - I don't remember my actual birthday. I haven't celebrated it on the right day in over a decade now. I just don't remember what it is. I think it was sometime during early December. I always liked winter. Even though it has generally been the cruelest to me, of all seasons. I don't care for Christmas or anything. I just like the weather and the overall feel. Everything feels so much less important during winter. I always get really close to killing myself around that time. Or I start taking shit I shouldn't again. But it feels good. It feels good during winter because it's winter and nothing matters and I'll die anyways. I want to get beat up again. I often find myself thinking back to a time I previously mentioned where I got my shit rocked by an older man. I was 19. Tsumugi was there and she watched and it was the most humiliating moment of my life. Far more humiliating than anything else I've ever had to go through. I made him mad. I don't remember what I did. And he punched me, and then he kicked me - and then. I don't know. a lot more. and at some point I was kneeling in front of him. I got my blood all on his shoes and it just kept dripping. and I apologized again and again. And. She was there. She was there and I couldn't quite make out her face because I was dizzy and crying. I hadn't eaten anything for a few days before it had happened. And I took a lot of bad shit that made me nervous and sick. and I thought that I would die there. Not because he hurt me that bad. It just felt like the end. She didn't stick around after the older man left. I don't even remember where we were. But she had things to do, I guess. I felt like. what's the word? Demasculinized. Not like I really care about my masculinity. But. fuck. I felt completely lesser than everyone in that room. Because I was. Me and Her linked back up like a week later and i got super drunk and i don't really know what happened after that . i didn't want to drink. but she wanted me to. and i had already completely embarrassed myself in front of her. the thought of doing so again made me want to kill myself. but. in retrospect i think i would prefer if i had turned the alcohol down that night. ehh. she wasn't a bad girl. i yelled at her a lot. said a lot of really mean shit. i wasn't great to her. i think i deserved everything she did to me in return. i want tacos. sometimes when i don't feel good i find myself saying things like. i want my mom! or. i want my dad! but. i never knew them. not really. i think what i really want is you. and you're not here right now. and unfortunately, i don't think things will ever be normal enough for us to reunite properly. this is something i've been forcing myself to accept lately.
I've been starting to feel like, perhaps I am burdening Kage, or upsetting him in some way. And. realistically. I'm overstaying my welcome, aren't I? I don't know. He's so perfect. I think I am. not doing much good for him. I'm not sure if I feel this way because of anything I've actually picked up on, or if it's just my usual need to distance myself after a certain point rearing its ugly little head in. As much as I'd love to pack my stuff and run away or something. I don't think that's very kind. Maybe I should try and do something nice for him while he's out. I'm not sure what. Uh. Maybe plant those flowers he mentioned a while ago. I don't know why I'm feeling so down right now. Ehh. Yeah. I think it's gardening time. Not like it's something he'd immediately notice upon coming home. but. i don't know. holy shit. i feel terrible right now.
5:47 PM - get these gay men off my timeline i swear to god. i'm irritated as fuck i'm irritated as fuck i'm irritated as fuck
7:36 PM - Planted flowers a while ago. Fun. Wehhh. I'm tired. I'm going to sleep on the floor. Or something
10:41 PM - My ass hurts. Lmfao. I'm gonna go run a bath. Something something epsom salt i dont knowwwwuh. I'm not sure where Kage is or where he's been. Maybe he'll show up soon. None of my business, I guess. Not like I miss him or anything. Lol. Lol. why would. I. Why would I miss him. WTF. Lol. lol. lol. lol. Sorry, I'm lying, can you tell? I kind of want to kill myself tonight. Not even for any reason in particular. Just like. I'd rather be dead than feel like this. Obviously, not really. I don't really want to die. But I feel like I do. Ah. Ah, Ah, My foot is falling asleep. Oh my God. giegihegienkjenbkejbjevbqewuifiejoreronekjgn i hate when it does that. whatever. bath time.
You can't talk about your body aching without people insinuating you're some sort of whore who only indulges in sex. But it's fine. I'm not bothered.
11:34 PM - so you just gon break my shit. so you just gon break my shit. so you just gon break my shit. so you just
12:01 AM - In light of the fact that Kage is still not back, I think I'm going to head out for a while and fuck around. That is seriously all I know how to do. And I'll hate myself for it come morning time, but God knows that doesn't matter. It's been too long and I'm getting antsy. I'll come back home whenever. I'm not tired and my ass still hurts and there is absolutely nothing to do. It's making my skin crawl. I need to distract myself with something. So.
12:37 AM - Eh. Okay. Can I be honest. I'm trying to do other shit but I'm just. a little worried about Kage. It's not like I don't trust that he can't handle being high on his own or whatever. but. buuuut. but. I'm gonna try and track him down since I'm already out. He's probably not. that far. I think he went out for work or something originally, so he's probably still in the area. I don't knowwwwwwwwwwwwwww. I'll know it's him when I see him. Prollyyyyyy...... you know. I don't mean to baby him. He's a grown man and all. I don't know why I'm worried. Guess I'm just scared he'll get hit by a car or something. Or go missing and never come back. Hey, does that sound familiar? Sorry.
I guess I'm just worried because I care about him. That's not a foreign concept. I'm gonna...uhhhh...look out for a Small Body Of Water. Ideally there will be a cute boy probably curled up near one and upon further inspection it'll be Kage. We'll see. Kage retrieval mission. Lol.
1:10 AM - So. As it would turn out, he really wasn't that far at all. I mean, like a 30 minute walk. #FOUNDHIM. Call be a golden retriever with the way I be. retrieving. i guess. Okay. He's kind of a mess. I need to bring him home and see if we can get him out of. Those Clothes. and then in bed probably.
2:30 AM - Kage is home safe and sound. In bed. In different clothes. And all is well. I'm still not tired. And I want to smoke. But I don't really want to leave his side right now. So. I'll just crack a window and smoke near it. Ehhh. I bought another pack a little before I went on my mission to go retrieve him. I'll smoke myself to death one day, surely.
I'm really hot right now. Perhaps on account of the fact I am wearing Infomami's jacket. But I don't feel like taking it off. Wearing my hair up again. I still think it makes me look girly. But it cools my neck off a bit. You know, it's not like I think I look ugly with it up. I just. Don't like. I don't know. It's kind of similar to how I feel with my body. Objectively, I don't think my body is too terribly ugly. But I hate seeing it and acknowledging it. So I'm always clothed all the time like a normal person should be. And when I'm naked I want to kill myself. I hate my chest and my ribs and my arms and my ass and my thighs and . ehhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh. ehh. so on, so forth, or whatever the phrase is. Infomami asked me if I'm secretly a girl. As if. I should stab him next time I see him. Goodbye Infomami. Haha. I'm kidding. I wouldn't do that. Refer to my previous paragraphs where I gush about him. Kage looks so cute when he sleeps. I want to squeeze him. Awww. I know he's afraid of dogs, but he really, really reminds me of one. Not in like. a degrading way. I just like dogs. and they're cute like Kage is cute. I am a little less worried that he hates my guts and wants me out of his house now. Though I suppose the fear is still there. God. Sometimes I wish I just didn't have to think at all. Literally everything ever would be so much easier if I had no brain to use. All I do is think. Which is funny, 'cos I'm not even that smart. So everything I think is stupid. Fuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuck. I am so useless. Whatever.
3:23 AM - I'm gonna.....................eat something. I don't know what. But something. And then get in bed. Not tired, still. But. I don't knoooooooooow. Sorry for dodging all of your questions. I'm not scared of telling you things. I love you. I just can't stomach the thought of you knowing some of this. Sorry. I'm sorry. I really am. I love you so much.
11:21 AM - Tired. All I want to do is sleep. I think Kage is feeling a little better this morning, so. My hands are really cold. Like, freezing. I put them around my neck and gave myself goosebumps. 'Cos they're so cold. You know, I never really did pot or anything. Apparently Rantaro did it...recreationally, before his parents kicked him out. Then he stopped 'cos it was too expensive. The old guy I stayed with for a bit did it too, less recreationally, I think. Shit, he might've had his own cannabis garden or something with how he was always stocked up on it. I didn't really know much about him. Slept in his attic and only really left the house at night, or when he needed errands done. Sometimes I'd watch TV with him and sit on the part of the couch furthest away from him. I think he had a wife at one point. Or like, a daughter that cut ties with him. Something. I'd hear him grumbling about a "stupid bitch" all the time. Don't call them bitches, bro! I only really spoke to him (as in like, a normal, casual conversation) a handful of times, including the time where he offered to let me stay in his attic for the small, small price of. you'll never guess. Eh. Whatever. I had a little air mattress up there and a bunch of blankets. I really didn't need that many, because it was always unbearably hot up there, but I liked the weight of them. Mmh. I can't remember how old I was. I just know it was a while ago and I was like...younger. Sometimes he'd have a friend or two over, so I'd stay holed up in the attic the entire time, because I didn't want to meet them. Fun times.
1:34 PM - What if I told you that world was gonna end, and you had 15 minutes to spend with me or your friends?
That song has been stuck in my head for a bit. I fell asleep and had a dream that mom was still alive. I don't know what she looks like, though, so I'm pretty sure the face I saw in my dream was some woman I saw on TV once. But. In the dream, she was our mom. You were there too, but. You didn't really have a face. I just knew it was you. Because I always know when it's you. Dad wasn't there. And I think something bad was happening in the dream. But now that I'm awake I can't really make out what it was.
Kage got in bed with me at some point during my deep slumber. Awww. Awww.
2:23 PM - I'd do something fucked up for a taco right now. Goddddd. I WANT ONE SO FUCKING BAD. Anyways. Talked to Kage for a little. I've realized that we don't often have times where we just talk. We're either doing something, or like. sleeping. I like talking to him. I don't have a lot to talk about. Or. Well, maybe I do. I have a lot of stories I could tell. Maybe he'd like to hear one. If not, he can just ignore me. EZ. I might smoke again. Maybe I'll do what I did last night and crack open a window so we can still talk. Is that rude...? Or like. IDK. I'm not sure. I hope not!
3:32 PM - I like squirrels. Fat fucks.
I just sneezed. Bless me, please!
3:56 PM - Doc, is she gonna make it? "prolly not.." Ohhhhh lord save me...my drug is my baby..
6:16 PM - Did you know? I had lip piercings for a bit. Tsumugi's friend did them for me. They had no qualifications at all and I had no money to give to an actual body piercer so it worked out. I looked kinda girly with them, but Tsumugi was into it so it was chill. I kind of miss them...*sniffle* *sob* Ohhhh...Rantaro would've loved to see me with piercings... blah blah whatever
6:44 PM - Kage is dozing off at the table. While eating. Like, I'm watching his head dip every few seconds. It reminds me of a kitten. Haha. I'm not laughing at him. It's just so cute. I mean, I feel bad too. He must be super tired. Rockabye Kage in the tree top...when the wind blows the cradle will rockkkk... ehh. heh.hahh.hahaha.hahhahha. Mm. I want to take a shower. I think I need to. And I need to do my laundry. I should ask Kage if we need more laundry stuff.....
8:31 PM - i think. i might have a panic attack or something. i don't know. not panic. something else. but it feels really intense. and bad. and i think i'm goinng to take a walk or something
10:09 PM - I promise I am who I say I am. I'm sorry. I really am. I don't mean to lie. I'm sorry. I am him. I promise.
I'm going to head back home now. I think. I don't feel great. Really, it shouldn't have put me off so much. But hearing it from you. Made it a lot harder. I'm really sorry. I know I don't seem like him at all. I wish I did.
10:59 PM - Home. I have so many bruises all over my fucking legs bro WHAT the hell! I wish I could roam around shirtless sometimes. Well, no, I don't. But like, I also do. Uhh. I don't like being without clothes but sometimes I become like way too aware of the clothes on my body and all I want to do is get NAKED! Even though I don't like being naked. Eh. I think I made you mad. I'm trying not to think about it. Lol. Sorry. Sorry. Sorry. Sorry. My bad. Sorry. Sorry. Sorry. Sorry. Sorry. Sorry. Sorry. Ehhh. eheoivneivneijvneijvniojniwnkjwnjghuighjgkhkkrurfhieghigivevfnjnhnhjk
11:24 PM - whatever. if i was entirely honest with you, you'd think i'm gross or something. i don't really care. i think kage is laying down. i'm going go outside and lay somewhere. sometimes i like when the bugs crawl on me. i'm being a crybaby over a whole lot of nothing.
or maybe i'll just join kage. maybe i'd feel better if i did. probably.
1:21 AM - kage. i'm so tired. i think, if he wasn't right next to me i'd be totally losing my mind. i want to lay on top of him. i'm not going to do that. but i want to. i'm itching for some ounce of closeness. like literally i think my fingers are twitching because i want it so bad i feel like a crack addict. eh. eh. eh. eh. eh. i'm going to move closer to him.
7:40 AM - Woke up and Kage wasn't there. Sigh. I'm going back to sleep.
1:27 PM - They fucking wanna break me, the way their eyes look show it.
I'm tired. I keep thinking about him. This is, of course, nothing new. But it's frustrating. It always is. I am so terribly weak. My biggest and most noteworthy flaw is that I am weak through and through. Godddddddddddd. I think I'm going to go out for a while. I don't even want to do anything. I just. Need to be outside. I'm in such a bad mood.
lift my skirt and search my body!!!!!!!!! beat me til my brain is foggy!!!!!!!
2:07 PM - I have very little to say. I want to kill myself so fucking bad. Like seriously this time I am fighting the urge to slit my throat oh my God. You asked me what cigarettes I smoke. Would you smoke with me if I offered? Do you still want to see me even though I lie to you? Ehhh. You said something last night. About how sometimes you wish we both died. and I can't help but think everything would be so much better if we did. I wish we were dead. God.
I'll love you until my blood evaporates. You being alive means everything to me. But. I don't think this was the best outcome for either of us. I don't knowwwwwwww. I'm tired. I want to get so drunk I can't think I'M SICK OF THISSSSSSSSSS!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
6:31 PM - ah
7:35 PM - i think i need to go home. i'm sad. i want to hug kage. i'm not sure if it's because he's current;y one of the closest people to me rright now or what. but i want to,. ehhhhhh. i'm going home.
8:30 PM - I need to start treating you less like a person and more like a diary. God. Dear diary, I want to kill myself so fucking bad. Dear diary, I'd rather be deepthroating a gun right now. Dear diary, ah. ahh. ahhhh. Ahhh. I think I wish my brother was here
Dear diary. I am home. Home, as in, at Kage's house. I missed him. I miss a lot of people right now. Wahhhhhhhhhhh. I'm going to cry. I'm going to sit in bed and cry like a baby because what else can you do???????????//rhhtigijgnrignrjgnojn
8:51 PM - You know what? I don't jerk off. It's not feasible and has never been particularly appealing to me. I can't touch myself in public because that's INDECENT and DISGUSTING. It's not like I can go home and rub one out. Masturbation is fucking stupid and I hate it and I hate sex and I think we should all kill ourselves NOW!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! When I'm turned on I IGNORE THAT SHIT! AND IT'S REALLY EASY! NAME ONE TIME I'VE EVER HAD A BONER. YOU CAN'T. I DON'T GET BONERS. THERE'S A FEW REASONS WHY BUT I'LL LEAVE IT UP TO INTERPRETATION. I don't know where I'm going with this. I. felt really sad so I was like maybe I should just jerk off or something but then thinking about that made me mad. Also I can't really jerk off in someone else's house that's like mad weird. NOT LIKE I WANTED TO ANYWAYS. I'M PISSED BECAUSE I HATE JERKING OFF AND I DON'T KNOW WHY I THOUGHT ABOUT IT. I'M PEEVED. Sometimes I think about things that I don't want to. And they make me really upset. And even though I don't want to think about them I keep thinking about them anyways. I think I'm sick. Sick in the head and gross and vile. There is something wrong with me and there always has been. I don't think I'm like this because of how I've had to live or what people have done to me. I think I'm just not good and I never have been. Even before all of this. Before you went missing. From the day I was born there was something fundamentally wrong with me and I was predisposed to living like this and being this way. This is all I'm meant for, and realistically, all I deserve to have. No matter what choices I made, I would still end up like this. In every lifetime I would reduce myself to this. Because this is all I am. I can't have a normal relationships with people because I'm not a real person - I am not fully developed like they are, I am not important like they are, and I can only give them one thing. And. When. They don't want that from me. I don't know what to do. I feel worthless. This is all I can give you, so why don't you want it? You just don't want me, then, I think. You don't want me because I'm nothing more than what I can give and you don't want what I can give and so I need. To leave. I'll never be anything more than this. You can't save me from a life I was made for, I think. You can't save me. Just like I can't save you. And. Maybe I don't want to be saved. Maybe I want this. Maybe I've always wanted it and I was just too stupid to realize.
9:21 PM - Okay. That was a little dramatic. Gosh, Shuichi, are you on your PERIOD? IS IT THAT TIME OF THE MONTH? LOL. No fuck you and also you aren't funny and also i hate you
9:44 PM - Kage is in bed. And I missed him a lot. And I think I;mgoing to hug him for a prolonged period of time. If there's a word for that.
2:03 AM - I like holding on to him. I've missed this. I like being held. I enjoy it all. I'm so happy. I think everything is fine.
12:15 PM - I don't want to moveeeeeeuuhghguhughugh. I am comfy. In bed. And really happy. This feels so nice. I could lay here all day I think. Being so close to him reminds me of how I used to hold my old friends. Ah. Ah. I'm not sad. It's a nice memory.
5:04 PM - I wonder if Kage wants to watch a movie or something? I feel bad keeping him in bed all day...
7:03 PM - We're going to a diner tomorrow. Kage asked. I've been wanting to go out to eat with him for a little while now! I actually don't have a lot to write at all today. I'm happy and I feel. Normal? Ah. So nice. So nice. I'm not sure how to properly express how happy I am. I feel like :) that. :) smiley face
10:36 PM - He's been sleeping on and off for a little while now. I'll probably fall asleep too. I'm so tired. Ahhhhhh. I have done nothing but cling onto him all day. I'm like a parasite. Eek!
2:25 PM - Haha. Sorry for not updating. I've been occupied. Occupied as in sitting around all day. Anyways. I was thinking me and Kage could go to the diner in a few hours...Maybe 4 or 5? for like...an early-ish dinner type thing. IDK. Unless he wants to go sooner. Or later. I'll have to talk to him about it. I'm excited! It's been a little bit since I've sat down and ate at a place. I feel really good today. And I felt really good yesterday. Aha. Isn't that nice? I'm so happy. I think it's mostly thanks to Kage.
5:53 PM - Getting ready to go out. We're leaving a little later than I originally considered, 'cos I thought it'd be better to just commit and actually go at like. dinner time. You know? 6PM is pretty dinner-esque. I'm trying to make myself look. Nice or whatever. Not like I really have any fancy clothes, but...we're going out to eat! So I want to look nice. Um. There's some weird shit going on with theee..."normal" people, that I'm trying to ignore. Something about a dead guy and a basement. IDK. Normal Komaeda is gone? Sad, 'cos I liked him. Sighhh. None of my business. I have a date with Kage to worry about! Haha. I'm kidding. It's not a date. I'm just excited.
9:20 PM - Nice night out with Kage. I liked that a lot. We should go out more often. Well, if we have the money. It's fun to do stuff with him. He's like. My best friend. Next to Info-kun, I think. I feel good. I want to take a shower and then lay in bed all night!
10:02 PM - Showered. Kage is sitting out on the porch...I'd join him, but I'm so tireddd. Ahhhh. I'm gonna sleep. And sleep. And sleep. Don't die trying to save that guy, by the way. As much as I think he's cool, I think you're cooler, and far more important. Don't die. I don't even know if you're going to try and save him. But if you do!
4:35 AM - He's holding me again. It's a really nice thing to wake up to. I'll probably fall back asleep. You know, he. Looks so pretty. I can barely see him, 'cos it's so dark. But he's so pretty. Anyways. I'm super tired. I hate waking up before other people because it kind of feels...not real? I don't know how to explain it. I always feel like. Outside of my body. In a way. When it happens. I guess more so when I was on the streets than now, in his arms, LOL. I'd often find myself waking up and not knowing where I am or who I'm with, and I'd get really scared and start to panic. Even though I should've known, and it really shouldn't have been that scary to me. It was kind of childish. I'm childish when it comes to a lot of things. I guess she was right when she said I was nothing more than a big kid. Lollllllllll. It's okay, though. I can be mature. I promise. Kind of thirsty...but I don't want to move. I like when he holds me. Or when I hold him. I guess I just like being close to him. Not a particularly surprising revalaion. I like closeness when it isn't putting me in any direct harm or distress, which is less common than you'd think! When strangers even somewhat brush up against me in public I start to freak out and breathe heavy! Please don't touch me, not you, not here! Aha. Okay. Okay. Okay. No more of that. I'm going to bed. I love you.
10:17 AM - Ah ah ah. AHhhh.feiojfej Just woke up. I'm so sleepy. Kage offered to make breakfast... !!! ahh. So sweet. I said! "If you want to, that would be great!!!!!!!!" and I'll probably help him out if he needs it. I'm not sure what he wants to make, but I think anything would be okay with me. I don't usually eat breakfast, so. Ehe. I feel really good this morning. So sleepy, though. so sleepy. I could fall back asleep if I let myself. I think Kage is rubbing off on me.
11:33 AM - Ate breakfast. It was #YUMMY! He's such a good cook. Awwww. I'm so grateful. I have to leave in a little while. I have a ... *looks around* (whispers) job...Nothing crazy. I just have to visit this lady's house a few times throughout the day and take care of her dogs. Eaaaasy. I'm not getting paid much for it. I just thought it'd be fun. I love dogs.
1:03 PM - Gonna head out and TAKE CARE OF THOSE DOGS! It'll seriously only take like 15 minutes max so I'll be back within the hour LOL. I might pick up a soda or something on my way back. I want something sugary... bleh :P Bleh :P Blehhhhhhhhh :P sorry I like that emoticon
I wonder if Kage wants oneee? I don't know. He doesn't seem to be able to handle super sugary stuff all that well. Maybe I'll get him a different drink. Somethinggg...fruity? IDK. I'll think about it.
1:33 PM - I LOVE DOGS!!!!!!!!!!!!!! Anyways. Got Dr. Pepper and this like. Mango drink, for Kage. I think he likes magoes, so hopefully he'll think it's yummy. I'll leave it in the fridge for him when I get home. And thennnnn. I'm almost home. #PROLLY gonna take a nap. I'm so sleepyyyuuh. I'll check up on the dogs again in an hour or two, I think.
2:17 PM - Got home and am suddenly not that tired. Maybe the sun just made me sleepy. IDK. I put Kage's drink in the fridge. I think I'll sit on the porch for a little while and smoke. And drink my Dr. Pepper(trademark symbol) ... kyaaaa!!! I just choked on my spit. Oh God. Anyways. Ummmm. I kind of miss kissing people. I'd like to kiss someone again. And maybe ride a horse or something. No correlation to kissing, I just like horses. I always wanted to. Uhhh. go to those pumpkin patches, that had the horses you could ride. During the fall. You know what I'm talking about? Probably not. Sometimes I want to smoke weed. She used to. I only did it like, once or twice with her. I just didn't care much for it. But I think it'd be cool nowadays. I don't knowwww. It's really nice outside. Kind of hot.
4:28 PM - Ummmnnn. Sometimes I look in the mirror and I really hate what I see. Uuuuuuuuuuuuuummmmn. I don't look. How I want to. Like, uhhhh. I don't know. IDK. Ehh. Whatever. Who needs mirrors anyways?
9:45 PM - Sorry. Blacked out for a few hours. Not really, I just. don't remember what I've been doing. Anyways. I'm gonna go inside and probably uhhh. Check on Kage. Missing him. I smell like cigarettes. Nice smell.
Eh. You know, I started smoking because I thought it made me look older. I wanted to look older. Because I wanted more money. Marlboro Reds were hot girl cigarettes, and I wanted to be a hot girl! Or. whatever. Boy. Hot boy. Hot girls smoke reds and look older than they actually are. Uhhhhhhhhhhh. Yeah. Do you think I could've been successful if I had the chance? If I finished school and got a job. A real job. Do you think I could've been something? Haha. LMK. I want to kiss someone. I'm going to make out with my reflection at this rate.
I'm not too sure where Kage is. So. I don't know. I'll go sit on the couch or something. I have a bad feeling in my gut. Something like anxiety, maybe? IDK. Doesn't matter.
10:34 PM - I wish I had a penis Yo
My legs feel like jello. I'm going to lay in bed. Or maybe? not. You know. Pride month in a few hours. Hey guys I'm coming out as bisexual and a second thing that you'll never guess. Lol. Uuuuuuuuuuuh. I've never really. I don't know. Felt good about my identity. Not like it matters.
11:29 PM - Kage's in bed. Yayyy. I think he's been drinking. Uh, not that I mind. I missed him. I want to hold him. I might. If he lets me. IDK.
12:01 AM - Happy pride month. He's laying on me. I'm gonna. Hug him for a prolonged period of time again.
12:50 AM - Ahhhhhh. Think I'm gonna fall asleep. He's so warm. Goodnight foreverrrrr.
7:32 AM - Woke up. Uuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuh. Kage wasn't there. Went to go look for him and he was passed out in the hallway. I think he ? Did something to himself. Uh. I don't. know. not sure what to do. i've kind of just been staring at him for the past few minutes. haha. #nervous
12:56 PM - He's sleeping in bed now. I'm not sure what to do. Again, I've kind of just been staring at him. Like. Periodically. I'll go and do something and then come back into the bedroom and. I guess? watch him. I don't know. I suppose I'm just worried about him. I might make myself something for breakfast. After I smoke. Mgghghhhhhhhhhh. I want to smoke. "Legally Saihara, my name is Lung Cancer, and I LOVE YOU!!!!" omg noooo lung cancer got out of hereeee...omg..., not during pride monthhhh...
3:23 PM - Uhh. He's up. I don't know. I'll ask him if he needs anything. Or. Something. Yeah. I'm not usually this useless, sorry.
3:58 PM - Sometimes I gnaw on your necklace a bit. Sorry. It happens, like. subconsciously. I dunno. One second it's not in my mouth. and then the next thing I know, it is! I guess I just like chewing on things. Uuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuummmn. I need to relax. My heart is beating real fast for no reason. It's making me breathe funny. What are you, scared? Lol. No.
5:15 PM - Geyser by Mitski
9:32 PM - Kage asked if there was anything we could do together. Or something he could do for me. Er, well, he asked a little bit ago. I don't really want to do anything crazy right now. And I don't need anything done. I kind of just want to relax with him. Maybe watch TV or something. I like doing that with him. I say that a lot, sorry.
10:36 PM - I don't like when people say mean things about you. They don't. Know you like I do. They're making baseless assumptions. They're all wrong. You aren't like that. You're a good person.
11:50 PM - He asked if we could smoke together. Fuuuck yes we can...lol. Lol. Yeah. I used to share a my last cigarette with Rantaro. We'd pass it between each other til it was done. Hehe. That was fun. Uh, luckily, I have more than one right now. So Kage has his own. It's all good. I lit his for him. I've always wanted to do that! Makes me feel cool.
1:38 AM - Gonna. fall asleep. goddd i'm so tired. i love you. do you think i'm human? everyone says i'm not. and. it makes me want to hurt myself a little. i want to be human, you know? i do
dehumanizing a transgender bisexual during pride month...#notverywokeofyou...
8:40 AM - Going back to bed. I dunno. Kage is up. But. I'm tired. I like it when he comes to my defense! It's so cute! My knight!!! Haha. ah.so tired. i want to cry a little
12:02 PM - I have very little to say today. I wish I could pinpoint why I feel so terrible. I hear the birds outside. I don't want to move but I probably should. Kage is in bed again. My heart is beating really fast and I think I'm crying but I'm not sure why. Uh. I keep typing and then losing track of what I was saying. I smell something kind of metallic. Like, blood. I don't know why. Today is? Monday. I'm pretty sure. Happy Monday. I need to relax. No reason to be so wound up. I learned that, um. Crying doesn't make it end any quicker. And fighting it doesn't, either. That doesn't have anything to do with anything. I have the tiniest bit of blood on my thumb and I'm not sure where it came from. I'm not bleeding anywhere, I think. It's not on me anywhere else. And nothing hurts any more than it usually does. Weird. I used to have a pretty hard time taking care of myself when I was a kid. I remember that. I felt bad making all the nice adults in my life do everything for me because I was so uselessly incompetent. I miss Kaede's mom. Sometimes I'd pretend she was my mom. I miss a lot of people. Oh my God. I want to go back. I want to go back and I can't. Ahhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh. It's okay. I'm going to get up and wash my hands. My first instinct was to lick the blood off, but I'm not sure where it's from, and it's already dry, so...eh. Then I guess I'll lay back down. I don't think I'll write much today. I feel iexplicably shitty, but not in the way that makes me write anything good.
1:12 PM - Kage left. Said he was gonna go get something. That's alright. I think I'll make the bed while he's gone.
2:41 PM - He got Fajitas. I had to stop myself from kissing him right then and there! I jest. I just really like fajitas. Fuuuuuck. rgjnmbmmmmmmgmmhmhhhhh.g.hhh,,h,hh,,,h,h,,hmhmh,g,g,h,h,h,h,,h,eth,,hthh,rhykhnjntgsejekhhgtjkgmb,,n,.n..,h,.h. drooling emoji. hhgh
6:42 PM - I'm sleepy. Uhm. I want to watch Alice In Wonderland one day. The original one. I miss Kage. I've been with him pretty much all day so I don't know why I'm saying that. I still feel like crying. But I'm alright. I might go outside and smoke for a little. Maybe I'll ask if he wants to join me.
7:43 PM - Mmmmgghhhhgggh. Mhhhhghnggh. ghggggkhhkgklhkkkklkkkgkgllkgnnmmmmggggnnnnhhgghhhk. gonna lay down. probably.
8:44 PM - I need to be with someone. I need to do something. Embarrassingly enough, I miss sleeping with people. Sexually. I miss having sex. I shouldn't be writing about this but I am. Uhhhgghghh. My stomach hurts. Kill me. Take my life!
10:10 PM - You know. I'm okay. It's okay. I have Kage. uh. not like i'm going to sleep with him but like in the sense that i'm not alone because i have kagehara. you know. he's my friend and i love him and he lets me live with him basically. i have my friend. and i'm happy. he makes me happy.i'm okay
10:49 PM - speaking of kage i think. i hear him wretching? in the bathroom. i think he has a very weak stomach or something of the sort. i feel so bad. gonna check on him
11:56 PM - Mmm. I wanna. Lay down with him.
12:19 PM - I have a split lip. Blood. Uaaah. Blood in my mouth. It's okay. Kage looks so pretty. I, uh. Really like his hair. I think he should keep growing it out. It suits him. Frames his face well and stuff. My stomach kind of hurts. Not like nausea, justttt. Ow! You know. I wonder if it's. Maybe. IDK. Uhhhhhhhhh. Maybe I should get stuff. Just in case. My hormones are probably all sorts of imbalanced, now that I think about it. I'm not a very healthy person and I'm surely lacking in many important vitamins and nutrients. Which, I think, would set my hormones off a little. Eh. I don't care. My ears are ringing a little. And it feels like my head is gonna pop. I need to relax. Hooooooly
12:36 PM - Got asked if my cowlick goes pin straight when I have a boner?
1:14 PM - holyyy shittt i jusgt pulled a muscle in my neck realllll bad. fuck. ow. owww. ow . ow. wwwwwww.ah
1:53 PM - Kind of want ramen. Mmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmm. Ramen. I should probably take a shower. I'm going to take a shower. Maybe I should start doing something different with my hair? What do you think? I look kind of silly as I am. Maybe styling it differently would be better. Umm. I used to shower with Tsumugi. Sometimes. Not even intentionally, usually. I'd take a shower at her place and then she'd join me in the middle of it. Like. Okay. Hi. Do you need something. She said it had something to do with not wasting water or whatever. I think she just wanted to shower with me. I would've appreciated a warning, but who am I to complain? It was far better than not showering at all. My hair was a lighter color at the time. She bleached it for me. I think...I wasn't blonde, uhh. Maybe it was just white-ish. I don't remember. It was originally like, a very dark brown. I haaaate bleaching my hair. It feels itchy. But it has to be done. I let her hurt me when she wanted to. Sometimes I miss it. It, in this case, being getting my ass beat by her. It's a lot better to get bodied by a pretty girl than it was an old man. I actually knew very little about her. I didn't, and still don't, know her last name. I don't know anything about her parents. I don't know what she did for school. Or work. I knew nothing. Similarly, she knew close to nothing about me, so it worked out. I stole shit from her when I left her apartment for the last time - but I won't tell you what! Haha.
2:29 PM - #squeakyclean. Thinking of going out for a little while to occupy myself. I need to work. Wehhh. And I'm hungryy.
I miss Maki everyday. I liked doing her hair. It took forever to convince her to let me, but once she did...! I braided it a lot. I thought she looked cute. But whenever I said "you look cute!" she'd get mad and say something along the lines of "I'll choke you so hard your eyes pop out of your head"...haha! Classic Maki! Ah. She probably thinks I'm dead in a ditch somewhere.
6:23 PM - tired. made some Money. Cash cash monayyyyy. eh.gonna go home and pass out. i feel really lightheaded
7:31 PM - Home. Kage house. Kage. Yay. I'm going to lay down. Fuckk.
8:36 PM - my head is throbbing. gonna cry
9:21 PM - i love you i love you i love you i love you i love you i love you i love you i love you i love you i love you i love you i love you i love you i love you i love you i love you i love you i love you i love you i love you i love you i love you i love you i love you i love you i love you i love you i love you i love you i love you i love you i love you i love you i love you i love you i love you i love you i love you i love you i love you i love you i love you i love you i love you there's not enough time left in the world to completely express how much i love you / you, being: you. i love you
you're reading this - or, are you? are you reading? this. i love you. oh, how i do. i love you because i love you and i love you because you're you, and you're you due to every single moment in your life leading you here - and i'm me, because i am! am i? are you? i love you(us)
10:07 PM - I want you, or, in this case, him. I'm in bed.
11:20 PM - I'm so fucking sweaty. My God. My mind is somewhere else tonight. And it won't stop. I don't like it. I needddd. My knife. Ah. Ah. Ah. No I don't. I don't need anything. I want my knife. I want you. Him, that is. I need him. I really don't. I have him. I'm going to bed.
Er. Now that I think about it, I don't really know what I'm saying. I'm typing things that make very little sense to me because they're the first things to come to mind. And I don't know what they mean. Uuuuum. Sometimes I wish I could be everything Kage needs and more. I can't be, which is sad. But it's okay. I don't think it's humanly possible to be everything any one person needs. You just can't do that, I think. But you can do something close to it. I'm okay. I'm happy. I like when you talk to me even when I don't really get the point of our conversations. I guess not everything needs to have a point, huh? You can just talk to talk. Yeah. Wow, Shuichi, you're so right! Haha. Thank you, Shuichi, I try. Haha. haha. haha. I need something to chew on.
11:46 PM - I could be what U want me 2 beeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee. You know that song. Question mark. I'm really hot. Oh my God. It's alright, though. But. Holyyyy fuck. I'm going to make out with my hand or something. Desperate. I mean, I guess it would be kind of silly to do that right now. Or ever. But like right now especially because I'm in bed next to Kage. I need to pee. But I don't want to get up. Uh, unfortunately, I don't have a choice. Can I let you in on a really embarrassing secret? I have a very poor bladder. I wasn't born with it. But. Things happened and it kind of like, totally ruined me down there. YIKES! Anyways. Now I can't hold it in like a normal person can. Don't you feel so much closer to me now that you know this? We're intimately involved, me and you.
10:03 AM - I wonder if Kage wants to go out to eat today or something. Or. I could bring something home. I'm not sure. I have money, so...I was just thinking. Ah. Ah. I don't know. I'll talk to him about it at some point. He seems to have a hard time with food so I'm not all that sure. Anyways. Uhhhhhhh. Slept really good last night. Gonna take a shower.
1:47 PM - Kage wants to go out! Yayyy. Um...now I have to think about where I want to take him. I'm not like...rich or anything. But. I have enough to go somewhere okay. I don't know. I'll figure it out. I like spending time with him. A lot. I'm more excited than normal. I don't know why...eheh.
2:41 PM - Maybeeee. Um...I know there's a nice little family restaurant in the area. Maybe he'd like to go there. I don't really know the menu, but. I like family-owned restaurants. They're sweet. If he's alright with it then we'll probably head out soon.
5:43 PM - Heading out now. Ehe. I keep trying to look nice even though I don't have anything nice to wear. It is futile. But that's fine. Maybe I should buy new clothes one day.
9:59 PM - Had a nice time out. Ate Burger...mmghghghhhhm. I'm really tired. Like, I can barely keep my eyes awake, kind of tired. I. Kept staring at him. I felt creepy. I just couldn't help it. He looked so nice. Sorry, sorry, sorry. That's gay. And stuff. So fucking tired. I want to curl up in bed and sleep forever. Or, at least for a few hours...hehe.
Probably...gonna sleep now. Seriously, I'm nodding off. Ahhh. Goodnight.
12:54 AM - He's so close tonight. Ha. HaaaahhehehehehhheheheufhufhehbshbjbavjfhefvnevOkay i'm going back to bed it's not like i care or anything lol i feel nothing in regards to the closeness of the man next to me / holding me lol lol lol lol lol lol lol lol oh my god. i'm so fuckign Tired. Goodnight. Don't read this entry it is stupid
8:31 AM - I kind of want breakfast today. I wonder if, Kage also wants breakfast? I'll see. In a little while. I'm still tired. Maybe I can cook for him this time! Or something. Of the sort. My body hurts again today. And, while I guess it's nothing notable due to the fact it has hurt like this for the past decade, it never seems to hurt any less. I've found myself, lately, wondering if I really want to be the person you knew, or if I'm content being the person I've become. I don't think I'm content with any of it, really. I won't be me for long. Or, I guess that's what I'm scared of. In reality, there's nothing chasing me away or threatening the stability of my life. There's no reason I'd have to leave. I think my body and brain feels like...I've been around too long, and it's all wrong, and it's scary! Even though nothing is really wrong. And I can recognize that when I think about it long enough. But it doesn't make me relax as much as I'd like, which is frustrating. I feel like I'm always ready for something terrible to happen. Maybe not ready, but instead waiting. And it's funny, because I am, I think, the most stable and safe I've been in a very long time. Kage doesn't hurt me and doesn't want anything from me. Yet I still get so scared. And some nights I think about packing all of my stuff up and leaving, not because I want to, but...I guess, because I feel like I need to. I don't know. I'm trying to be articulate today, is it working? LOL. Can you forgive my lack of class and knowledge on account of the fact I never finished middle school? You know. I want to take care of people, and I want to help. I wanted to be a doctor, or something in the medical field. I remember that. I wanted to take care of people. I still do. And I suppose I still can, though on a lesser scale. I can...take care of Kage. And help him. I really want to. And I can take care of you. At least, when you'll let me. Which probably won't be until you're old...but that's okay, I think. I'll take care of you. I want to be what someone needs. Not in a controlling way. Just. I want to be able to fulfill a person's needs and I want them to want to keep me around. You know? Does that make sense? I want to be of some sort of use. Long-term use. At least longer than one night. LOL. Ugh. I don't know. I wonder how Kage would feel about waffles. I like waffles. Though, I probably couldn't make those without...a waffle maker???...So maybe...Mm. Eggs would be nice. And they're good for you! Yay. Eggs and toast.............Mmmmmmm. I'll ask him. If he doesn't want any I guess I could just make some for myself. But I get a little worried when he doesn't eat throughout the day. I try not to impose too much because, you know, he's a grown man, and he's letting me stay in his house, so what authority do I have over him??? I guess it's not being authoritative to say I get worried about him when he doesn't eat, though. Everyone needs to eat. I'd eat a lot more throughout my life if it wasn't so difficult to juggle food on top of all the other shit I need to survive. But I've been eating more lately. In fact, I think I'm putting on weight. Not like...a lot. It doesn't happen very fast for me. But a few pounds? I'm estimating. I don't like weighing myself. It makes me anxious. Anyways. Breakfast. Kage. After I wake up again. So sleepy.
3:04 PM - Wasn't able to update for a while. Neocities was down. Siiigh. What misery. Anyways, I made breakfast. It wasn't terrible. Average, if you will. But I put lots of love into it! I'm really tired. Uuuuuuuuuuh. Might nap. So so so so so so tired. I want to hug Kage. Not sure why. Take a shot for every time I've said Kage's name on this blog. Hint: It's around 180 times.
3:33 PM - You know. I'm lucky. I was blessed with a pretty flat chest. I was always told by girls (for a few years when I was younger), that I was just a late bloomer! BUT THEY WERE WRONG. It probably has something to do with me being malnourished as well but I think it's mostly genetics. I don't like my chest very much because I'd much prefer being...like, totally flat. But I'm grateful nonetheless! Most of my clothes are pretty baggy so people don't really think twice when they see me. It's nice. Somewhat. Eh. So tired. I want to run around shirtless.
4:16 PM - Still want ramen. Mmmmmmmmmgghghhhhgnmmhmmmggmgmhhhhhg
My hair used to be kind of...not curly, but like...wavy, I guess? All over the place. It'd stick out a bunch and it looked real silly. Got more flat the more I fried it with various hair dyes and bleach. It was funny. Don't know how I got a girlfriend when I looked like that. Then again, it was like, 4th grade. So. Looks weren't a crazy priority. I miss my hair. I think the only thing about me that hasn't changed drastically is my eyes. They look the same as they always did. I get freckles during the summer. If I'm out in the sun enough, which, I usually am. I think they look kinda silly with my current hair. I dunno. They'll probably start showing up soon.
4:52 PM - I kind of want to go to a park. Push me on the swings, please! I want to be a kid again.
5:44 PM - I think it's cute when people get super nerdy about shit they like. It's so cute! I used to listen to Tsumugi ramble about her gay little shows and stuff. And it was soooo cute.
6:02 PM - I'm bored. Thinking of bothering Kage for a little. Bothering, as in, hovering near him and talking to him about stuff that he probably couldn't care less about.
8:31 PM - He's asleep. Gonna go smoke for a while, I think.
10:25 PM - I did not smoke for nearly two whole hours, just for the record. I smoked for like 30 minutes. Spent the rest of the time sitting and doing nothing. It's nice out. But...ehhhh. I'm sleepy. Gonna head back inside and lay down, probably. I doubt I'll fall asleep, though.
11:04 PM - Kage seems off. It makes me go :( Ouuww. Frowny face emoji. I think I'll see if he wants to talk or something. I'm not great at comfort. But he's my very best friend. So.
11:57 PM - Talked for a bit. He didn't have much to say. That's okay. Just wanted to be there for him, I guess. I kind of need to pee. But I really don't want to get up. I don't really have a choice, though...I am not blessed with the ability to ignore my bladder for long...Eh. TMI? I don't careeee. It's my blog. Diary. Whatever. I try not to think about my bladder issues too much, as silly as that may sound. It's like, embarrassing at most on the surface level - but if I give myself too much time to think about it, my mind drifts to what made my body like this. And I start feeling really gross. And it makes me tear up a little. You know...it's been so long since things were that bad, so I really don't get why I'm not over it yet. I should be, I think. But it's almost like. If I think too much about it, I can still feel everything. I can feel their hands on me and how bad it hurt and how scared I was. I can feel it all. Ehhh.Ehh. Too serious. I need to go piss. #GoPissGirl I am not a girl. But it's like a meme or something. I think
1:03 AM - 6 6 26 ... wowww. so many sixes. kage went to bed. i got in my head about stupid shit that doesn't matter. and now i'm going to sleep too. and i'll hold him super close like normal people do. i'm not really that tired. i just seriously need to stop thinking. focusing on him usually helps me do that. goodnight.
9:24 AM - I wish I could stay with him forever. I find myself thinking that a lot. I want. To kiss him, sometimes. I like him a lot more than I ever anticipated and a lot more than I know what to do with. Ughh...Kage...what am I gonna do...????? I don't know. It's fine. He's still in bed. I'm going to fall back asleep. Maybe if I don't think about it enough, it'll go away! Mh. I'm not sure if I want it to go away. I don't know. Too early for this
1:11 PM - Blurgh. My stomach hurts. I'm in an off mood today. I wonder if Kage wants to do something.
1:54 PM - Never mind. He went to work. I might go out and buy myself a new shirt or something. I need another one.
4:33 PM - He's home! I think he bought alcohol. Guess he's planning on drinking tonight. I wonder if he wants to smoke together again sometime soon. I like smoking with him a lot. I kind of want to lay on him. Of course, I won't. But the desire is there!
I've been home for a bit. Got myself a graphic tee... Nothing special.
6:09 PM - Kage asked if I wanted to do anything. I think he's bored. I am too. PLAN: Take him to a park...and have fun...! And maybe get food or something. I dunno. I just want to go to a park. With him. Swings...with Kage...Yyyeeeeah.
10:16 PM - So much fun. Ehe. Going to parks makes me feel young again! Though, in retrospect, I'm not that old. He's drinking right now. Might smoke. In his general vicinity. Parallel play or whatever. Maybe I'll see if he wants a cigarette too? Or something. We'll seeeeeeeee. I love spending time with him. I feel a bit like a parasite with how I'm practically attached to his hip but. I don't think he minds.
I think I need glasses. And braces, probably. Is it too late for braces? Since I'm like...old...? I don't know. Not like I have the money for them anyways. Or glasses. My eyes aren't crazy bad. I just can't really make out stuff that's anything more than a foot or something away. IDK. Plus, glasses are so cute! So cute! Eh. I think I'd look kind of dorky with them, though. My teeth aren't too bad either. Just not very straight. Or whatever. Oh well. Maybe in another universe I have all the stuff I need. And then some.
Umm...thinking about it, though. Let's say that, hypothetically, you never went missing. I finish school. I become a doctor or something. I'd never meet any of the people I have in this life. I wouldn't have Kage, I wouldn't have Infomami, I wouldn't have...Rantaro, or...Ouma, Maki, Angie, eh...even Tsumugi. The concept of never having met any of them actually makes me really sad. I wish my life wasn't like this, but also...I don't want a life without them, you know? Is that weird? I don't think so. Relationships are important. People are important. Obviously, I wish you never went through what you did. But...I guess, weirdly, and selfishly, I'm okay with this in some aspects. I don't know. It's hard to explain. Hmm.
11:34 PM - We smoked together. So nice.
You know, sometimes I want to get piercings again. Like the ones he had. Not as many as he had the last time I saw him, but...I think the ones he had before I left. It'd be cool. Using my ex-situationship as piercing inspo! Euugh. I hate the word "situationship." It's so dumb!!!! Stop making up words! Are you dating or not!!!!!! Of course, I'm not one to talk, considering me and him basically fit the definition of the word. At least, when I was around. We never actually slept together, but like. literally everything else about us was very confusingly romantic-esque.....??? And we just never really talked about it. Or thought about it. I didn't think about it until after I was out of his life. We were homeless together. What about that isn't romantic? LOL. lol. That was a joke. I used to light his cigarettes for him. Did I mention that already? I'd hold it up to his lips and light it. And he'd always get kinda blushy, it was so cute to me. He was so much more shy than you'd expect at first glance. Very softspoken, too. I don't think I love him like I used to, not after all this time. I've moved on. But, I guess, in a way, I'm still attached to him. Like everyone else I've ever met, he kind of helped form who I am now. It's nice to reminisce, even if the feelings aren't still present. I do stil love him, just...differently. I know I was freaked out and upset when I last saw him, but. In retrospect, I'm happy he's still alive, and I'm happy he's seemingly done well for himself. I don't want him to be stuck in one place forever. I don't want him to be anything like me.
Bit of a tangent. I feel nice tonight. Anyways, his piercing setup...Uhhh. He had, like...two rings on his lips...snake bites, I think? and then these dots or whatever under his left eye. Don't know what that's called. And a few ear piercings. Super cool. I used to have snake bites. When I was with Tsumugi. I think i've mentioned that. I miss them reallllll bad. Even though they make me look like a chick... T_T I'd like to, at least, get the lip piercings again. One day. I mean, it wouldn't be hard. I don't think the...uuuh...the holes are like, fully closed up yet. I dunno. Ah. Ah. AH! I just sneezed. Bless me. Please!
When I was like, 18, or something...uhhh...a little before Mugi came around, I had won this stupid little monkey plush at an arcade. Oh my God. I miss it. It was so cute. It was my best friend. And then someone stole it. *sniffle* wahh. You think I'm joking when I type that but I'm not. Thinking about the fact that someone stole my monkey plush is actually making me teary-eyed. I miss you so fucking much, man. Come back. Ohhhhhhhhhhhhhhh.
11:55 PM - Kage seems a little tired, and he keeps looking at me. I think he want to go to bed. Who am I to deny him! Or whatever. Ehe. I'm a little tired myself anyways. Gonna drag him to bed and #ConkOut
1:13 AM - You're terrible at relationship advice, but I'll give you a pass since you've been in hell or whatever for a decade and some change. Ehe. Kage is asleep, on top of me. The weight is kind of nice. Relaxing. I'm going to fall asleep, I think.
12:04 PM - I feel really good. Ah. Ah. I'm kind of hungry. Maybe me and him can eat together or something. If he wants to. I'd like to go on a walk later today. It seems nice out. Looks so pretty.
I want poptarts...you know...The little toaster pastries. I wonder if you can buy just one(1) poptart instead of a whole pack. Like how you can with ramen. Maybe at convenience stores........prolly. Sometimes I wish I could work at a convenience store. They have a certain alluring factor about them.
I'd like to buy cologne, too. If I don't smell good then I may as well kill myself. I JEST!!!!!!!!!! Huummm. I'm sure there's cheap ones out there. If there's cheap perfumes, there's cheap colognes. Yes. Yes, yes. Sometimes when I wake up, my hair looks somewhat reminicsent of how it used to. Weird stupid strands everywhere. It makes me feel strange.
artistic depiction
1:42 PM - Sometimes Kage goes down to the basement for long-ish periods of time, and I don't really know why. Umm. I try not to poke and prod too much, 'cos I wouldn't like if someone did it to me. Me and my many secrets. But I do get a little curious. Anyways, I think it's walk time.
4:44 PM - Home! I was, in fact, able to find singular poptarts. And cologne. At different places. I'll have to ask Kage to tell me whether the cologne smells good or not because I'm not a great judge. Need a second opinion! Not sure where he is right now. So. I'll ask him later. Probably gonna lay down for a little while. I am in a lot of pain, physically. My ass hurts. And my legs hurt. And. Other areas. General lower area of my body hurts. What a shame. Nap time.
6:36 PM - Awake. Holy shit. I passed out like. Immediately. What the fuck. Okay. Kage is cleaning, I think. I'm gonna see if he needs help with anything. And also ask him for a second opinion on my #cologne! Because if it's too strong then I won't wear it. And if it just smells bad then I also won't wear it. But I can't tell if either of those things are the case. So I need his assistance!
7:20 PM - Kage likes it. Kewl! If he likes it, that's all that really matters, considering I spend most of my time with him. LOL! I kind of want ice cream...gelato... Eh. Maybe one day. OR...a float...Mhhgg...Yeahhhh... Maybe I'll take Kage out for icecream or something on a day where it's real hot out. I'd like if you could come. But I know you won't. That's okay.
9:04 PM - Gonna lay down. Kage is in bed, I think. I want to be near him. Maybe we can watch something! I'll ask.
10:10 PM - Being close to him makes my heart beat kind of fast. Embarrassing. I don't. Ughh. I know what I'm feeling. I'm not stupid. I just feel like a creep for. Feeling these things. Or whatever. Ugh. Ugh. ahahdbfnfmdjfbdjjd. awhatevevr t .:7(94@'. ] Watching TV with him. I want chicken alfredo
12:19 AM - Think I fell asleep for a little. I fall asleep so easily when I'm with him. It's weird. I never used to sleep this much. Ah. I guess I just feel safe with him. Have I said that before? I don't know. I need to stop. Thinking about him like that. It's really driving me crazy. Ahhhhhhh. Kage. Curse you. I believe he was wearing makeup earlier today. He looked really pretty and I kind of wanted to waterboard myself til I stopped thinking that. *sniffle* i am a useless faggot
2:21 AM - So tired. Gonna fall back asleep, I think.
9:52 AM - I feel very well rested. But also. Terribly lazy. I don't want to do anythinggg. uuhgh. I guess I should eat soon. Breakfast...I wonder if Kage wants anything. I'll ask in a little while. If I don't accidentally fall asleep. My hands feel kind of dry but I don't want to get up and put lotion on. #lazy. I can hear the birds chirping. Awww. Aww. Being a bird must be so nice. If I was any animal, I think I'd like to be...a dog, though. Wuff wuff. You know.
11:36 AM - A breakfast sandwich sounds kind of nice. I wonder if we have eggs...If not, I could just run out and get some. Breakfast sandwich *drooling* Ahh ah ah ah. ah. I'm so thirsty. My roots are really growing out. I don't feel like fixing it.
12:10 PM - We have a few eggs...gonna see if Kage also wants a little sandwich thingy or whatever. I'm so tired. I keep yawning. I think i'm gonna put my hair up today.
2:13 PM - Took a nap. Still so sleepy. I might watch TV.
3:39 PM - I think Kage is setting up a pool outside. A little one. Like, a kiddie pool. Haha! That's so cute. I like pools. I don't like, ehh. Bathing suits. Though.
4:21 PM - Maybe I should join him. It's not like I have to be in the pool, right? Um. Even if I did get in, I could probably just keep my clothes on or something. I want to spend time with him. Mmmmmmmmm. Thinking thinking 1 2 3. I'll change into one of my t-shirts and a pair of shorts. Yeah. And then I'll go outside and spend time with Kage. Easy!
7:59 PM - Tired. Might smoke. I had fun with Kage! Never got in the pool. But I was out there. I'm feeling a little weird tonight. I dunno. It's nothing.
8:17 PM - how to tell the guy you live with who very likely isn't into you Like That that you want him
8:48 PM - If I had a dick I'd be jerking it on the reg
9:04 PM - Eh. I'm gonna lay down I think. Missing Kage. My stomach hurts really bad.
9:20 PM - I keep updating. Sorry. It's just. I can't stop thinking about it. I hate it. Fuckkk. Writhes. Fuck my life. I'm sweating and I don't think it's because I'm hot. Refer to my 8:17 PM entry and email me an answer at legallyshuichisaihara@gmail.com (i'm serious. that's my email. email me. please.)
Eh. You know what. I'm fine. I'm calm. Everything is okay. You can still email me if you'd like, though. I might doze off.
9:51 PM - My stomach hurts again. Owwwwwwww. It's okay. I really wish you were here. I don't know why, really. I guess, in times of turmoil (dramatic), it's only natural to wish you were here. I want your...guidance, or whatever. Though, you probably couldn't help me much. LOL. Because you've, you know, been in hell for a decade. Sometimes I get a little down for no apparent reason. And it's really annoying. I think I know why I'm down today, but it's really silly and kind of pointless. I need to get over it. I only have so much life to live, and I can't spend my remaining years worrying about dumb stuff like that. The, uh...concept of feeling how I do, isn't dumb. It's just dumb that I'm the one feeling it and getting upset over it. This is so...high school! As if I know what high school is like. I guess "juvenile" would be a better term. There's a lot that I want to say, but just can't. It's so frustrating. I've never been very good at assessing and handling my own feelings. I remember...uhh. After you went missing, but a while before I did too, the. school counselor. She sat me down one day. Told me I'd been having more frequent outbursts, and said she wanted to help. But I didn't want her help. I just wanted my life to be normal again. I'm not even sure if it was necessarilly because I was missing you and upset about your absence, or if it was, like...everything. 'Cos, y'know...I didn't know where my parents were nor did I remember anything of them, my brother was (presumably) dead in a ditch somewhere, my grades were at an all time low, the house was a wreck, and it really felt like everyone was out to get me. I was all alone. You left me alone, or, at least, that's what it felt like. It still feels that way, even though I'm...eh, mature enough to realize you didn't choose to leave. I missed you so much, and I was so, so, so mad at you. Because nothing would ever be normal again. And it was all your fault - again, that's what it felt like. I was irrational and young and I needed something to blame all my shitty feelings on. And that something happened to be you, and every other person I knew and would meet from there on out. I'm still mad at you, sometimes. Most of the time. Way in the back of my head. It's easier to be mad at you than it is anyone else. Uhh...And, I know that sounds bad. Because it is. I'll tal about how much I love you and miss you one day, and then how mad I am at you and how much I resent you the next. Haha. I'm sorry. I was honest with you the last time I saw you, but even then, I didn't come close to telling you a quarter of the stuff I've done. It's kind of excruciating to tell you the truth...which is so funny, because I talk about how badly I want to be honest, all the time, too. I want to be honest to everyone but you. But...I really love you, I do. I love you so much. You're my brother. But. God. We have to meet up like we're doing some shady drug deal every time. We can't do anything normally together and you're always on the verge of dying in one way or another. Nothing will ever be normal again. Nothing was ever normal. Fuuuuuuuuck my life. I hate you so much and I love you so much and I don't. HATE you. I guess I just hate our circumstances. Sometimes I wish we never met again. I hate that you get to see me so pathetic. And I hate what you've become. Which is FUNNY because I don't even. remember. what you were like. before all of this. so I don't even know what I'm saying. God. I wish we were both dead. I love you, always.
10:24 PM - Kage got in bed sometime during me freaking out and writing that. He's quite naturally calming. I am...not as freaked out as I was. Um. You know I don't really mean it when I say I hate you, I'm sure. It's not like you're reading this anyways. But. I don't mean it. I don't really hate you. Everything is just so complicated. Ughh. I don't know. I feel kind of defeated. Wore myself out, or whatever. I think I'm going to try and sleep. If I hold Kage close (without thinking about it too much), then maybe all of these terrible feelings will evaporate! Unlikely. But I can pretend.
11:41 PM - Hhhgk. God. I can't sleep. I want him so bad. I hate myself. I DON'T . know whyyyyyyyyyyyyyy.i'm feeling all of this so suddenly....uuueuuueuuuuueuueeeh.h. ehhg.hthg../ he's warm
1:02 AM - Calm down, Shuichi! Uhh. I still have a hard time calling myself that name. Or...eh...any name. None of them feel like..."me', y'know? Not even the one I was born with or whatever. Maybe it's 'cos I have a poor sense of self. Or 'cos I'm. You know. Anyways. I'm still really, really tired, and way calmer than before. I spent the last however long clinging onto Kage and thinking about absolutely nothing. Nice. I'm exhausted. Goodnight. I love you.
10:37 AM - GOOD MORNING USA... ehh. took a shower. Started cramping really bad while showering which was fun I guess. I'm quite sleepy still. Might........go back to sleep for an hour or two.
2:01 PM - Been up for a little bit. Guess I'm getting my hair cut soon. To fit in with the other Saiharas better. And to look less like a chick. Loud sniffle. It's okay. I'm hungry. Kage is out, working I think? I miss him a little. Eh. Gonna eat something.
3:50 PM - Kage is home. Yayy. He's laying down right now. I'll probably do the same. I've been so tired lately. Hhh.
5:15 PM - Mhh. I think I fell asleep. I'm still tired. I don't want to...get uppppp...uehhh...
7:37 PM - Kage went to the basement again, I think. Dramatic loud sad sigh. Not like I care or anything. By that I mean, I care, and I wish he was in bed. But whatever. I've been in and out of sleep for a while. Gonna go smoke, I think.
8:35 PM - Sniiiiiffle. Gonna lay back down. Maybe sleep.
10:32 PM - I've been so emotional lately. I'm not sure why. It is really, truly hindering me. No it's not. I don't know why I'm acting like it is. Kage is in bed. He has been for a while, I think. I like to hear him breathe. I've been thinking about what I'll look like with shorter hair. I'm not sure. I haven't had short hair in a very long time. Huumm. It'll be fine. I have the hiccups. I only kind of remember how to use a gun.
11:31 PM - rolled over to look at Kage. because i like looking at him. and. i don't think i've ever seen a man sweat so much. that can't be comfortable. i might ask if he wants to go outside or something. i'm not that tired anymore, so. i don't know. maybe. it kind of looks like he's about to melt. awwwww. kage puddle...euhuahdhuhhjjkhhahahha
12:35 AM - He didn't want to go out. That's okay. I don't really feel like getting up anyways. I'd hold onto him, but I fear that would make him even sweatier, so, maybe another time. I'm having bad thoughts. Not like, uhh. Like. "I'm gonna hurt myself" thoughts. Uuum. I just feel perverted. Siiiigh. Whatever. I'm a horrible pervert creep and I don't deserve anything. Anyways. I want to go out with Kage soon. I don't know where. I'm...in all honesty, not very good at choosing things. I just try and be decisive because he doesn't seem like he enjoys making decisions too much, and I don't want to put any pressure on him. Eh. I write about him so much. Sorry. I guess he's kind of like. always in my mind. Considering I spend most of my time with him and we're essentially roommates. I don't mind writing about him, of course, but I'm sure it gets old after a while, like - "oh my god can this faggot shut up!" haha. don't call me that. it's pride month...you sick fuck...
Info-kun has crossed my mind many times in the past few days. We haven't really talked much since our...last conversation. Which is sad, because that totally felt like a great bonding moment for us! But it makes sense, I guess. He spilled his precious info to me. He's probably all freaked out thinking I'll leak it or something. Or blackmail him with it. I don't have any plans on doing so, but I definitely could! So...looking at it from his point of view, I'd be wary of me, too. It just sucks. I have all this shit that smells like him, and sometimes it makes me. Miss him. Eeeeeeeeeewwww! Haha. Grossssss...amirite........lol. I'm pretty sure he's totally healed now, or at least, he mostly is. Which is good. I can't help but feel a little proud. Like...heh......I kind of helped him heal fully...kind of. You know, in the sense that I saved him or whatever. I don't know. Eh. I hope he'll let me see him again soon. Or at least talk to me again. I kind of miss our little game we have going on.
Eh. Eh. It's taking a lot in me to not at least get a little closer to Kage. I want him. To be near him, I mean. I want to be near him. But my bodyheat may be the final nail in his coffin...wahhh...
1:10 AM - Gonna. Fall asleep I think. So sleepy so suddenly. I want to kiss him really bad. Can you keep a secret? Yeah? Cool. I keep looking at him and thinking about it. Uhhh. Pucker up, Kage! Haha. Haha. Haha. JK. Thrashes around. It's fine. Going to sleep. If I roll onto him in my slumber he can just push me off. It'll be okay. I want to hold him. But. Sweaty boy.
11:44 AM - He must've held onto me at some point during the night. Woke up with his arms around me. I wanted to kiss him. Really don't want to move right now. Uheehhehehghdfhvdnvdj. I'm so comfy. But I'm hungryyy...ehh. ehh. eh. eh. Later.
1:14 PM - Kage left for work. Hmm. I'm gonna...go get something to eat. I think. Hungry.
4:27 PM - I think I rolled my ankle or something. I don't even remember how. But it hurts. Uuuuuuuugh. I'm so sleepy. I went out for a bit and ate something little for lunch, like, a few hours ago. Made the bed when I came home just to feel like I was doing something mildly productive...buuuuut. I think I'm gonna ruin it again. 'Cos I'm really tired. Infomami asked me if I like guns. Well, he asked at like 3AM. Wonder if he's planning on shooting me. I also wonder if Kage is on his way home. Hhhhhhm. I'll just lay in bed until he arrives.
12:02 AM - I feel a little guilty for liking him so much. Or, wanting him so much, I should say. I don't know how to explain it. He's so lovely, and I. just. I don't know. Whatever. He, uh, didn't want to smoke with me. That's okay. He's sitting near me and it's nice and I like it. I want to watch...one of those...old romance movies. Sometimes I'd watch them when my brother was at work. Not often. But sometimes. And I found myself wishing I could experience something like that. Uh...romantic, and theatrical, and...stuff...I don't know what I'm saying. Stupid. I just want to watch one of those movies again. I've actually spent about...twenty-ish minutes writing this, because my mind keeps wandering. Embarrassing. It's 12:27 now. Silly me. I just. want to get married one day. and sometimes when I think about the fact that I never really can. I get sad.
12:59 AM - I kind of want cookies. I wonder if there's any...uuuhhhhh...like...not-too-sweet cookies I could bake...or something. So that Kage could eat them too. 'Cos...you know, I don't think he likes when pastries are too sweet. Or he can't handle it. I'm not sure. I. Sometimes I get scared that he doesn't like me too much. But, uh. I think he does. You know, realistically...because...um...he sent a lot of stuff to me. My strawpage. thingy. at one point. Or, well, I think it was him - I'm about 99.9% sure it was. It would be crazy if it wasn't. Because it sounded just like him and. who else would say that stuff to me? Exactly. No one! It was him. And I think about it a lot. So. I think he does like me. Which is cool because I like him,.gjtnjengnkkjgmkgmlkgn jjng. eh. whatevr. I want cookies
1:27 AM - eh...you know, how crazy is it - to, uh, technically fall in love with another version of yourself? like...reaaaally technically...um...i'm not shuichi. everybody knows that. like, on a...surface level, at least, i'm not him. but deeper than that. i am. i'm "shuichi" as much as every other shuichi is. there is no..."real" shuichi in my world, or whatever. it's just me. i am him as much as i am me and every other person i've been. and i love another version of him, which, by extension, is another version of myself. is this getting confusing yet? how crazy is that? haha. haaah. uh. love is a strong word. but what else would you call this? like like? ohhhh, i like like you! please kiss me! i want to kiss him. i wonder if he'd let me. do people just...ask to kiss? or do they like...go for it? i don't know. i'd much rather ask. 'cos what if he totally doesn't want to? i'd hate that. um. not like i have the courage it takes to ask him right now. or whatever. "hey, kage! can i kiss you? i know this is so sudden and out of left field, but it's all i can think about!" ... surely that'd work. haha. i'm being sarcastic, by the way.
2:14 AM - Should I buy him flowers again? Would he like that? Uummn. I don't know. This is too much to think about so late at night. It's making me sweaty and making my heart beat all fast. Fuuuuuuuck. I'm hopeless. Infomami asked me if I've ever considered putting a gun in my mouth. God, who hasn't?
3:45 AM - i think i'm going to sleep. i've been making myself feel terrible 'cos i've done nothing but think. uuuhgh. um. i talked to normal komaeda earlier. about it. 'cos, you know. he's all about love...and stuff...it's like, his thing. and he's kind of the only person i could think of to go to. you're shit at relationship advice, and...uhhh...i don't really have anyone else, huh? i guess i could talk to ren but he'd probably just make fun of me or something. i'm getting frustrated just thinking about it. rennnn.......ghhhhhrrrrghghghghghrhghgh. ahhha . ha.i'm kidding. i want to hurt myself. i hate liking people in any capacity especially this much. it makes me stupid. ahh. ah. ah. um. anyways. normal komaeda. i talked to him. and he seemed so sure. "do you trust my luck, saihara?" well, i don't know. i want to. uhmmh. so. i think i'll get him flowers again. or. maybe i'm bombarding him with flowers. i don't think he ever chucked the last ones i got him, so...mmmh. more can't hurt, right? i don't know. oh my god. i don't know anything. ah ah ah ah ahh ah ah . ok.whatever.i'm gay fine whatever nothing matters and i want to die and i'm so tired goodnight
11:27 AM - Awake. But. I'm tired. Gonna hold onto Kage and maybe fall back asleep for a little.
2:05 PM - He keeps. Uuhh. Groaning? In pain? A little worrying. I'm not sure what's wrong. Gonna see if he needs me to get him anything. Like...Ehhh...pain meds... or... a lovely hot cup of tea...IDK. I don't know anything. Ah
3:54 PM - Got him pain meds, 'cos he asked. I don't really want to leave him like...writhing in bed all alone. So I'll probably stay with him for a while. And then...maybe...make dinner or something...if he's still not feeling okay by then.
5:27 PM - I should really just bite the bullet and tell him I want him or something. One of these days. All this...pining...yearning, whatever? all of it is so frustrating. I feel crazy. Crazy and creepy and perverted. Ehhh. I'm gonna see if he wants me to make him anything. He's probably hungry.
6:17 PM - Couldn't think of what to make so I just made us both sandwiches. I'm. Suddenly very tired. Eyes are sooooo heavy. But it's fine. I'm cramping a bit but I don't even careeeeeuhhhh. Lol. Sometimes living with Kage feels like the universe's way of putting me in rehab. Um, in a good way. Having a place to stay, with someone I really trust helps a lot. I should take a shower. Maybe later tonight.
8:01 PM - Being with you makes the flame burn good! Anyways. The sun is setting. I'm really tired. Kage seems a little uncomfortable. I wish I could help him more, but I'm not sure what he needs. Sniffle. I guess I could just ask him. If he needs anything else. I really like this one artist - Iris Adam. They're so cool. Their music means a lot to me. Lol. Something something queer artists
8:55 PM - I'm. so tired. It makes me want to cry. Ah. Ah. I don't know why but when I'm really tired I just cry and cry and cry and it's so annoying. But I'm okay. I've really been. Pondering what I could possibly do for Kage. I'm not sure what his pain stems from so it's hard to pinpoint what would help. I thought about running a bath for him in the case that it's like, his body being really sore or something. But I don't know. If he'd want that. I could ask. I just get a little nervous asking him things. It always makes me feel stupid. Eh. Eh. Whatever. I'll ask anyways. I have been cramping terribly bad all day. I guess I should drink more water to combat it. Or, uhh...coffee, maybe. I heard coffee helps. But I don't want coffee. I want to sleep. Eh. Whateverrrrerererer.Doesn't matter. Gonna ask Kage if he wants me to run a bath for him or like literally anything else. I just hate the idea of sitting on my ass while he's completely and totally miserable.
10:05 PM - Keep dozing off. Ahhh. Ah. Ah. Can't sleep just yet. Not until Kage is done wwith his bath. I remember when she would shower with me. And I'd always get really nervous, because. I didn't like my body at all! Um. Because. It doesn't fit me. It isn't me. But she'd always tell me that she didn't really care what "parts" I had, because as far as she was concerned, I was still a guy no matter what. And I was like, wow. Thanks so much. and she'd be like Yeah whatever wash my back for me. And I'd be like. Yes Tsumugi. She was so confusing. She. wanted to hurt me so bad. But sometimes she had those moments where she was so strangely sweet. It was like she was two different people. I miss both sides of her, occasionally. When I act stupid I find myself wishing she'd beat some sense into me. Thinking about her makes me really nauseous - I don't know why I do think to myself! D1 Masochist. I guess. Thinking about a lot of people makes me nauseous. Like. Iruma. And. Shinguji. Shivers. Loud gulp. Breaks out in a cold sweat. Ehhh. Gonna...check on Kage, actually. See if he needs any help with anything. Like. I dunno. IDK. Anything. I'd do anything if it was him who asked.
12:19 AM - Ahhh. So tired. He's out of the bath now.So. bedtime maybe. i feel useless and gay when i think about him. wah. goodnight.
1:06 AM - I want everyone to see that I'm so beautiful.......!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! Argh. I can't sleep. I want to hold onto Kage but I know his. like. Everything. hurts right now. so I'm not sure. MMmgghhgghhk. It's alright. I spent 20 minutes writing that because I guess I just forgot I was writing it at some point. Oops. It's 1:27 AM now. I want to get naked and I want to mutilate my body. Neither of these things will happen, but a boy can dream! Eh. I don't really want to mutilate my body. I'm okay. The thought crosses my mind whenever I am particularly bored or frustrated, of which, I suppose I am both right now. I'm bored. And frustrated with myself and my uselessness. Ahhhhghhhghhhghh. I like him so much yet all I do is sit on my ass and whine about it. I'll never get anywhere like that. And also i guess i'm frustrated that i can't sleep because i'm like really fucking tired and have been for hours. but when i finally have the chance and to sleep i just can't????????????????????/////like okay fuck you too whatever i don't even care for real on god! on.......goddddd...uweh. you know. it's 1:35 now. he's holding me. i don't know why it's taking me so long to write this. uhm. i want to ask him out kind of. or at least do something date-adjacent with him. goodnight.
2:26 AM - Infomami thinks I'm boring now. This is worse than when I got molly whopped by that old guy. Oh my God. I'm actually kind of. Sad. Oh my God. He just doesn't care anymore. Okay. OKAY. I'M NOT BOTHERED. I'M NOT BOTHERED. I'M NOT BOTHERED. OH MY GOD. AHHHHHGGGHHGGHHHH!11FIUHGWURIGHIWRUGH AUUUGH HHAHGGGHHHHH GAGGUUUHGGGGHAHVBRBGBNKKKKKJJHhjjkkjn. fuckkkk mylifeee. i Knew it. I knew ittttt. I never should've told him anythingggg. UuuuufughhghhghhghhhhjhjhkhkkkkkhtjhtehtethhhFUCKKK
loud sniffle. whatever. it's not like i care at all.why would i. lol. all this shit about how interested you are in me and suddenly it's gone just like that. whatever. i'm not even sad. i don't even feeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeel ittttttt. i'm not even crying about it. i don't Cry. Sniiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiffle. wah. I'm still interesting. I'm. a really interesting person. There;s. stuff about methat i haven't written about. or told him. so. whatever. i'm interesting. i don't. actually know why i',m so sad. i'm going to theatrically run to the bathroom and cry until i fall asleep or something.
10:45 AM - i didn't actually run off to the bathroom to cry. kage was holding me and eventually i just fell asleep. i did cry a little but whatever. if i'm uninteresting, so be it. whatever. i have kage. and he's nice to me and he's pretty and he's so sweet and i like him a lot and i've wanted to ask him out for like the past week now. i don't need infomami to think i'm interesting. kage is so warm. i hope he feels a little better today. i'm going to...hold him back, and fall back asleep. yay.
12:45 PM - Awake. Ah! I've been awake for a few minutes. He's still holding me. Awh. Is it normal to want to kiss the person you wake up next to every morning ? Ehmm... I'm gonna...ask him how he feels today...and stuff...ahh...
2:28 PM - Kage wants to go out today. So...duh! I was like...Yes! Let's go out! Yay! Uhm. I'm happy. He said he feels better today. Which makes me happy too. He makes me happy. Ugh. I need to go get ready. Take a quick shower and stuff...
I love medical dramas. I wanted to be a doctor.
3:54 PM - Leaving in a few minutes. I tried my best to look pretty. Uh...you know. Idk. Whatever. He looks really nice. And I'm happy. Excited. Hehe.
8:21 PM - Home. Do you think I could ask to kiss him tonight? Lol. Idk. It doesn't matter. I had a really nice time out with him. It was so nice. I'm. Really grateful.
11:17 PM - Kage wanted to do something together. So. Movie time. Ehehh.Yayy. Ah. Ah. Ah. I want to kiss him so bad. Fuck my life. He basically took me on a date today. Ah!!!!.
12:04 AM - Typing with one hand is kinda hard. Uh. 'Cos me and him are holding hands. Hehe. I want to lay down with him. I'm so sleepy. Maybe we'll fall asleep on the couch tonight. Or something. I...really like his voice. Have I said that before? I don't think so. I like when he talks. I could listen to him talk about absolutely anything for hours. We, uh, don't have the same voice, for the record. I think we sound pretty different, actually. I like his a lot more than I like mine, ehe. So nice. So pretty. Fuck...!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! Guh. Goodnight...maybe...he's laying on me and it's making me real sleepy.
12:03 PM - Awake awake awake! Ah! We did fall asleep on the couch. Awww. That's cute. I guess the TV played all night. I really don't want to...move...uehh...I'm so comfy. I think I'll stay just like this for a little bit longer. At least until he decides he wants to move.
1:30 PM - I think he's setting up the pool again. I'll sit outside with him in a little bit. It is quite hot...I'm sweaty!
2:24 PM - Laying on the grass. It's nice! Despite it kind of feeling like I'm being cooked alive. I want to smoke, but it's too hot out for that. I remember one time when I went to Kaede's grandparents' house with her. I stayed the weekend. They had this crazy big pool and I was like...wooooah. I almost drowned in it once. Fun times.
She had a sister. Did you know that? She was way older, though. I think she was in college at the time. Something like that. Kaede never really talked about her. I used my context clues.
2:47 PM - I used to wear dresses. Eh.
3:11 PM - It's so hot out. God. I want to get shirtless. Unfortunately that would be rather inappropriate. I need to chop my tits off urgently. I'm sweating bullets.
3:27 PM - Kage went inside. Guess I'll go back in too. I used to have suuuuper light hair. Like. White. I forget, have I said that before? I dunno. I've had a lot of different hair colors. At one point my hair was so long it went down to my ass. And then I chopped it off! Lol.
5:08 PM - I'm really tired. I want to lay down with Kage and chew on him. Ehhhhhhhhh. ? Ignore the Chew On Him part I don't really know what I'm talking about. Yaaaaaawn. Gonna get in bed and probably Pass Ouuut. I still need to take him to a carnival. It's...June...so, there's probably a few happening by now. I dunno. I'll figure it out another time when I'm not so sleepy.
7:09 PM - He's holding me. I woke up a few minutes ago. I kind of want to kiss him until I get lightheaded. Do you think I could ask? To kiss him. Once. Maybe while I'm still too tired to overthink it. Uhm. But if he's like, fuck no! Then I'd feel really bad for making things awkward. Augh.
9:47 PM - I fell back asleep for a bit. I kind of want to go outside and smoke...maybe listen to music...it's a little cooler out now, I'm sure. So it might be nice. I'll see if Kage wants to join me. In a bit. I'm still sleepy.
10:39 PM - Gonna go smoke now. Probably. Yawwwn. I used to smoke multiple a day. But that was kind of hard to keep up with, like, financially. Y'know, being broke and homeless. Oh well. It's probably for the best that I cut down a bit. I really want tacos.
12:26 AM - Funnily enough, I smoked multiple tonight. Woops. I was done with one, and then, next thing I know...!!! I'm smoking another! Uhhhh. It's alright, though. No biggie. Came inside 'cos Kage asked me to. I like when he asks me to do things. He hasn't really done that before, I think, so this is a kind of recent discovery. Lol. Gonna change and brush my teeth...then get into bed! With Kage!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! Yay! I want him so bad. Whatever
1:00 AM - I wish I believed in things like. wishing on shooting stars. orrrr. wishing at 11:11...or blowing on dandelions and making a wish! I think it's nice. Conceptually. I make wishes when I have the opportunity, but I don't think they work, 'cos my heart is never in it. I pray sometimes, and I don't even know who I'm praying to! I'm not religious! Never was. I think...very few people in the district I grew up in were religious. Like, seriously religious, at least. Nobody really went to church. The most you'd see is like...a cross or a bible verse in a few houses. The concept of religion was so silly to me. Especially after I ran away. Like...whyyy would any god put me through this if they loved me? I don't think that's an uncommon mentality. I was so bitter. Sometimes I still am, though, I'd like to think, less so. Despite feeling like I was being totally spited if there were actually a real god, I would pray sometimes. "God, whoever you are, please save me!!!" lol. I never really believed it would work. And it didn't. But I guess I wanted to try anyways. Idk. I kind of forget where I was going with this. I guessssss...I just wish that I could have faith in stuff like that. To be able to put all my worries and problems in the hands of the divine sounds really nice. But I can't! Sad. You know...I thought about something earlier today. Uhh. Even though I totally hate myself and everything I've ever done and everyone I've ever been or whatever. I think I'd like to be me in every lifetime. Like, me. Me me. It's kind of convulted to say that, I know, because I've kind of skewed my identity so much that it's hard to tell what's really me - but. I'm me. And I'd want to be me in every universe. Whatever that means. I don't want to be anyone else. I dunno. There's things about me that. I think are so important to who I am. That I wouldn't want to be anyone else, ever. I don't think this entry makes a whole lot of sense. It's meant to be positive-adjacent, but my brain is all over the place for some reason. It's okay. Kage is laying on me now. 1:25 AM. I'm going to hold him and (probably) fall asleep eventually!
There's this one song I really like. "Drive" by Dead Sullivan. I don't feel like linking it. But I like it.
2:12 AM - Sometimes when I hold him I want to like. kiss him on the cheek. or the forehead. You know? I remember. You did that a few times. Not a lot. But a few times. Goodnight, probably. I'm tiiiiiiiiiiiiiiired. Yawn. Yawn. Yawwwwn.
11:16 AM - Good morning. Ah. Ah.Ah. my ass hurtsreally bad. sniffles. whatevr.Kage is still in bed. I kind of want breakfast. like...french toast...yyeyeyayyha...French toast is so yummy. I really enjoy cinnamon...like...a lot...I like that cinnamon cereal, too. I've only had it a few times. It gets soggy in milk really fast which is kinda gross. I don't want to get up. Loud Sigh. I'm so groggy.
12:01 PM - Think he's going back to sleep. Hehe. I'm gonna...hold his hand. Like I did when we fell asleep on the couch. I like holding his hand. He has nice hands! I was going to see if he wanted to do something for breakfast...but I suppose we can just do lunch or something whenever he wakes up. I mean we also don't have to do anything at all that was just under the assumption he would want to . Weh...
1:20 PM - Kage wanted to know if there was anything I wanted to do today. He asked a little bit ago...but I've been brainstorming. I'm kind of...not in the mood to leave the house,.......,,.,.,so maybe we could like...make lunch ...and then Just spend time together or somethingg....IDK. I've been lazy lately. I need to get my money up. But spending all day with Kage is such a lovely usage of my time that I really don't care! You know...I've always wanted to do those like. campfires. and make s'mores... sounds so fun! I think s'mores are really sticky, though..................I don't like sticky foods too much. They make me kind of irrationally upset. I don't know why I'm like that. Eh. Anyways. Campfire one day.
1:59 PM - He keeps looking at me. I like when he looks at me. Ehe. We're gonna make lunch...once we figure out what to make. I guess it really depends on what we have in the house. Hmmmm. We'll figure something out. And it will be...delicious! I'm certain!
Sometimes it really feels like I've kind of just moved in with him. Like, I originally considered it an "indefinite stay" but...I'm just living here, aren't I? I eat here, I sleep here, I take care of my...day to day activites...here! Uhm...I didn't mean to insert myself into his home like this. It kind of just happened. I stayed because I was sick. And then I didn't want to leave. And so I..........didn'tttttt????? I guess the main reason I stayed in the first place was because it's his house, and I like him. And I trust him. And...that's only been amiplified in the time I've spent (basically) living here...!!!! Urggh. I'm a parasite. Though, I don't think he minds much.
10:17 PM - I want to play Candyland...the local library had Candyland. I recall. It was fun.
10:46 PM - Normal Komaeda is now threatening me because I am taking me sweet time asking Kage out. That's fun. Eek! He's scary! Uhhm. I guess I need to hurry it up. Guuulp. Not gonna worry about that right now, though. I think I'll go lay in bed with Kage and pretend my previous interaction with Komaeda did not happen.
11:45 PM - Don't think Kage is feeling all that well. I wish I knew how to help...but I'm not sure what to do! I am still a little. Shaken up from Normal Komaeda's sudden tonal shift. Uuuehm. Idk
12:04 AM - I need to pee but I don't want to get up. Shrivels up and cries. I don't really have a choice. Siiiiiigh. Uuuuuuhm. I guess I'm gettin my hair cut tomorrow. I was threatened with a bowlcut and the though made me want to keel over and vomit. Please don't give me a bowlcut. I'll kill myself. Seriously.
12:27 AM - Guuuuuuuh. I want to kiss him. Komaeda is right. I'm slow and I need to die. Fuuuuuck.
1:45 AM - Tired. Gonna. hold Kage and sleep probably. It's a little hot but i don't really care i just likebeingclosetohimwhatever oh my god
did somebody say god? lol...
4:14 AM - I can't sleep. Uuuugh. I'm so tired. He's so pretty. I. Really want nothing more than to kiss him. Like. At least once. whateverrrr. I think about it too much. I just don't know how to. actually ask. Sometimes I look at him for a really long time and I'm like...this is my moment...!!! but then I get too nervous to do anything. And everyone is getting annoyed with me the longer I take. Sniffle. It is making me overwhelmed.
5:33 AM - Mmmghghghhgh. Bedtime. I'm really hungry.
12:00 PM - Eh. I had a nightmare. It's alright. I'm really tired. Getting my hair cut today...#NERVOUS. I'm kind of attached to my long hair even though it makes me look like a chick. I had shorter hair when I was a kid and I looked crazy. My heart is beating really fast for some reason. I guess it always does that when I wake up.......but it's kind of uncomfortable!!! Slow down! Only a little bit though. If it slows down too much, I'll die! Lol. Uuuuuuuuuh. I should buy more cigarettes today. And do laundry. And figure out the carnival situation for me and Kage. My eyes are so watery this morning and it's ticking me off.
12:56 PM - I WISH I HAD A PENIS!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
1:23 PM - I think Kage is going to work today. Awww. I stubbed the shit out of my toe a few minutes ago oh my God it still hurts fuuuck ! ! ! I should get Kage flowers today. Yyyyyyyeah. When I go out to buy my cigarettes...I'll get him flowers! I'll get him different ones than I did last time........
1:43 PM - My jaw hurts. Can't post that on twitter because everyone is like Lol it's 'cos you suck dick you whore! like whatever. Sorry. That still annoys me. Weh. I always liked Smeargle. The pokemon. Cute AF! aaand my favorite eeveelution is Umbreon. Baby spongeboy so cute
2:20 PM - Getting ready 2 leave... I don't know what flowers to get him. Maybe I could do roses this time...? Is that too...sterotypical? I think they're pretty. Pretty flowers for a pretty guy! Euuhhg.That's Gay. Sorry. I want to go fishing one day. Did you know how to fish? Or was that someone else in the district? I don't remember. Somebody knew how to fish and would go out fishing pretty often. When I'm in my 50s I want to have my own little boat that I use for fishing. Take a shot for each time I say "fish" or "fishing" in this entry. I still want tacos. Fuck my life.
I really want to do something in the medical field. I know that's like, totally out of the question now. But I still want to. I think about it a lot. I guess I've always been really interested in it. I get so sad when I realize I'll never be anything I want to be. Like. Like. Picture this. Me, but I'm in scrubs. Isn't that sexy? I'm kidding, by the way.
3:05 PM - My heart is beating really fast again. Yyyyyyyawwwwn. I'm sleepy. I want a puppy. I'm getting flowers now. Maybe it would be nice to get like...a mixed bouquet? That'd be cute. I'm seriously not good at picking flowers out. I overthink it way too much. Like...realistically, I'm sure he'd appreciate whatever I got him. But! I want them to be perfect! For him. Uhhh. So I think. A mixed bouquet would be cute. Lots of different flowers. Pretty. You know? I don't really have anyone to ask for a second opinion. Maybe I could ask the lady at the counter......? "Hi...can you help me pick out flowers for my friend who I've wanted since April?" Eh. I'll figure it out. Aaaand. Leave them on the counter with a little note. Like always!
3:16 PM - what is selfcest
4:09 PM - Home. Gonna get my hair cut and then probably take a nap. I'm tired. #missingkage
5:19 PM - Haircut time. I'm so fucking scared.
6:45 PM - Ah. Ah. Ah. Home. My hair is shorter now. Ah. So scary. I'm kind of itchy, too...euuuagghh. Hair. Uuuuhm. I hope Kage liked the flowers. I'll ask him. I think he's in bed.
7:57 PM - My chest hurts. You seemed tired today. More than usual. Mh. It's okay, though. You'll be okay. Sigh. Anyways, Kage liked the flowers. He hugged me. And I wanted to kiss him really bad. Maybe. Maybe I could ask. Tonight. Or ask him out. Something, I don't know.Augghhh.
8:29 PM - I CALLED HER ON THE PHONE AND SHE TOUCHED HERSELF...!!! I should take a shower. I'm still itchy. Little tiny hairs all in my clothes. Eeeeek. M said that my hair would probably get a little wavy again...hhhummh...
9:33 PM - Showered then went out and smoked for a bit. Kage was out there drinking. I have a weird, creeping sense of dread right now, and I'm not sure why. Like, it's making my chest feel tight. Panic attack-adjacent but I'm not really panicking. I'm just anxious, for some reason. Lame.
11:29 PM - Went on a walk to try and relax. Stayed out for longer than I thought I would. A man tried to solicit me. Fun. I think Kage is sleeping outside tonight ? I worry that the bugs will eat him up but. He seems comfy and it's really not my decision where he sleeps. Sigh. Gonna go lay down, I guess. I'm not very tired but there isn't much else to do. I guess I could watch TV? Er. Uuuh. Idk. Oh well. Goodnight.
12:19 AM - Ah. Ah. Ah. Kage woke up and came to bed. He is...shaking like a leaf!!! Goodness. I feel bad. Maybe I should've brought him in or something. Ah. Well. He's here now. Gonna hold him real tight and maybe fall asleep.! Yay.
12:30 AM - So imagine a burger
9:09 AM - Woke up and his face was really really really close to mine. Ghhhghhjkjnngddyhik.I wanted to kiss him so bad. Want to, presently. But. I didn't kiss him. I just held onto him tighter. Whatever.
11:48 AM - I don't want to get up. Sigh. I'm feeling a lot of things this morning. I want to ask him out on a date or something today but I don't know where. Carnival date...maybe. Sigh. It's hard, 'cos. I've never really been taken out on dates, nor taken anyone on dates. My first and only girlfriend was when I was 12 and Tsumugi is just me deluding myself into thinking our relationship was anything substantial. I don't really know how to do this. At all. I'm hungry. I'm going to make something to eat. Maybe ask if he wants something too...
12:27 PM - Made #breakfast. Made Kage a smaller portion just in case. I can make more if he's still hungry. It feels weird having my neck be so exposed now!!! Uh, realistically, it's not that exposed. It's still mostly covered...by my hair...just, less so. Eeeek! I want to do...ballroom dancing. One day. I want to dance with someone. Romantic and stuff...mgghh. I Don't Know Anything About Romance.
12:49 PM - what did they mean by this Lol
2:37 PM - he said he likes me when i asked if he likes boys and so i've been kind of pondering on that for a while now. i want to kiss him. fuuuuuck. it's just. how do you approach that without being creepy??? i get in bed with him and go "hey kage..........can i kiss you..." Like. that's creepy. that's so fucking creepy. i'm a creep. i need to be euthanized. i feel like an ugly scraggly stray cat that hisses at people who are several feet away
3:01 PM - Normal Izuru is fun to mess with. I'm going to. Lay down. I think Kage is in bed. I'm not too sure if he's feeling well.
5:15 PM - Kage is awake. Funnily enough, he woke up right around when I decided I'd fall asleep too. I think I'm going to hold onto him and doze off.
7:55 PM - i'm up. i. want to ask if i can kiss him. i might. i'm feeling so very bold today! uh. not really. i'm just taking too long. i'm starting to annoy myself with it. Like damn! do something! Ghhhh. it'll be awkward no matter what. even if he says yes. i don't think there's a non-awkward way to ask. whatever. better late than never ?
10:48 AM - hhehheghhjefnnf .Ah. I kissed him. Last night. It was so nice. I want to kiss him again and again. mghh. I'm still really tired. I'm going to fall back asleep for a little while.
1:11 PM - ACK. Awake. All of my limbs hurt and I feel like shit, physically. But that's okay. Because I'm happy! I'm also. Hungry. I need to eat. My heart is beating really fast again. Pissing me Off! Slow down for a second! Gosh. It's fine. Food time.
2:05 PM - I'm really tired today. Ghh. I don't know why. I have no energy and everything hurts. Oh well. I ate. Gonna lay down.
4:37 PM - Up. Again! My body still hurts. It's okay. I want to smoke but Kage is in bed and I don't want to leave him. I'll do it later. Yawwwn. I'm not that tired anymore, thank goodness. I kind of hate being tired. Worst feeling OAT(of all time). Eheh. Not really. I can name worse feelings. I'm being dramatic. I want tacos. Still. Fuuuuuck.
4:58 PM - Kage asked what I wanted to do. I don't think either of us have too much energy right now...so maybe we could do something simple! Like board games........or TV.......or both...I'll see if he's alright with that... I need to figure out the right day to take him out to a carnival. I should ask if he's still interested in going to one with me.
6:03 PM - I'm hungry again. We're watching TV! Ah. Ah. He still wants to go to a carnival with me. So I'll figure something out. I want to kiss him again. And. Stuff. Oh well. I'm happy. My body still hurts but it's easy to not think about it.
7:01 PM - I kind of want to drink. I don't know why. I don't really enjoy being drunk because I usually only get drunk when something bad is about to happen. But nothing bad. Is going to happen. So...IDK. I'm gonna hold his hand again. I like him a lot. He's really...lovely, I guess, is the word. I've called him that before.
8:50 PM - Been sitting outside with Kage for a little bit. He asked to smoke with me. Ehe. Who am I to deny him? I'm kidding. A little. I feel nice. Sometimes when I smoke with him, I want to blow smoke in his face! But that'd be mean. I just like messing with him. Heheh.........hehehehdjqnktfshhdjr.Ah. I want to kiss him. Maybe I will.
9:55 PM - Sooooo. Kage asked if I'd like to...come with him to go see Normal Komaeda? Uh. I mean. The answer is obviously yes on account of the fact that I don't really want to be without Kage for however long. I guess I wouldn't mind seeing Komaeda. It's just, that. I don't think I'm very well liked over in Aynorport. The nun hates me...Saihara hates me...Sonia hated me for a bit...not sure if she still does. Uhm. I dunno. I'll go with him. I'm just a little nervous. I'm kind of scared of Komaeda, as...kind...as he is. It's not like I'm intimidated. Uh. More so, uncomfortable, I think. IDK! It's okay. I told him I'd go with him, so there's no use dwelling on it. How far away is Aynorport, even? How are we gonna get there??? Fuck if I know. I trust Kage enough to not worry about it so much. He seemed really stressed out when he was talking to me. Made me go :-(
10:27 PM - Ah. You know what? I'm pretty sure Normal Saihara is in Japan right now. So that takes off like half of the worry that I had about going to Aynorport. I was scared she might strangle me if she saw me. 'Cos she like, seriously hates my guts. It's funny...til it isn't. Makes me a little sad if I think about it for too long. As for the nun (who also, seriously, hates my guts)...I'm not sure. But I should be able to avoid her fine enough, if she's there at all. So. I guess Komaeda is my only real concern. Uh. Kage seems like, really, really stressed about this, though. He's laying down right now. Gonna see if there's any way I can...help? I don't like when he's all bothered like this.
11:03 PM - I guess he just wants me to hold him. Which, as I'm sure you know, I don't mind at all. He's warm and nice and. I like him a lot. Ah. I'm trying to think of...comforting gestures. I could rub his back.? Yeah. Yeahhh. Okay.
11:27 PM - Ehhehehebrhiivkdmjenvjn. He kissed me. I want to kiss him a lot. A lot, as in. I want to make out with him. Really bad. Sorry. That's been on my mind for a while now I'm sorry I'm sorry I'm sorry . Sorry. My bad. Sorry. He kissed me and I had to ! stop myself from kissing him again. And Again. I am terrible. Auhghgh. Anyways. I'm really hungry right now. I don't know why. But I have no plans of getting up and eating. Considering my current perdicament. So I will TOUGH IT OUT LIKE A MANNNN!!!!!!!!!!!
12:19 AM - Might fall asleep soon. I'm tired. Yaaaaaaaaaawn. I'm...if it wasn't obvious, a little nervous about going to Aynorport. Trying not to think about it too much. I'd still much rather go than stay behind. I.......uhm. I thought about it. And. Embarrassingly, I think I'm kind of dependant on Kage, in a way. I don't know how well I'd do without him. Not like I'd kill myself or something. But I'd be really sad. And maybe do something stupid. IDK. Bedtime.
3:09 AM - Ah. Ah. Ah. Had a nightmare. A really bad one, actually. Jesus. I'm all shaky. It was one of those awful ones where you just relive a bunch of shit you don't want to. Aughhh...!!!!!!!! Whatever. Gh. Goodnight.
11:56 AM - Awake. I've been up for a while, actually. Haven't had the energy to move. I think I'm gonna take a shower and then. do whatever else. idk. tired
2:27 PM - God. I'm so tired. Kage still seems a little overwhelmed. I wish there was a better way for me to help out. I guess I should...pack? Uhm. I always pack lightly, 'cos I usually just carry everything I need for day-to-day living in my bag. Pretty easy to pack up all my stuff. Agh. I keep yawning. I want to kiss him again. He's so pretty. Idkkkkk.My mind keeps wandering back to that. Makes me feel stupid and gay.
5:20 PM - Think we're gonna eat soon, and then head out? Siiiiiiiiiiigh. Traveling. I usually just walk to where I need to go. Or hitch a ride with a nice stranger! That one is pretty risky though, 'cos there's like a 50% chance that nice stranger will skin you alive or something. Luckily, I've not yet been skinned alive.
8:05 PM - Ate dinner! We're getting ready to leave. I've kind of been following him around like. all day. IDK. Worried about him.
9:20 PM - In the car now. I can't really hold him, which is sad. But I can hold his hand! I'd kiss him, but I think that's kind of awkward for the driver. Eh. When we're someplace more private I'll kiss him.
12:31 AM - Yaaaaaawn. I'm tired. If you couldn't tell by my yawning. Ehe. I think we're stopping at a hotel soon. I haven't stayed in a hotel in a whiiiiile. Unless you count that one time when I was sick and visited you. Eh. I'm ready to get in bed. And kiss Kage all over his face, I mean. I can't really sleep in cars. Especially when they're being driven by strangers! I need to be alert...24/7...!!!
2:38 AM - Stopped at a motel a little while ago. True to my word, I kissed him! A lot! Like. a lot, a lot! Once we were in the privacy of our temporary room, that is. I think he's fallen asleep now. I'll probably doze off soon. I'm not sure what time we're leaving come morning, so I don't really know when to wake up. It'll be okay. Kage can wake me if I sleep in for too long. I think I'd like to spend some time by the shore once we get to Aynorport. I've always quite enjoyed the ocean. And sea life. One of my bigger interests when I was a kid. Now I barely indulge in it. Isn't that sad? Ah. I can feel my eyes getting heavier as I type. Goodnight.
1:05 PM - Back on the road. Kage got us breakfast a little while ago, and then we left. I'm tired. This, uh, isn't my first time visiting Normal Komaeda, technically. I did borrow his gun from him that one time, which required me going allllllll the way to Aynorport to pick up. And then alllllll the way to Hope's Peak to save Infomami. And then allllllll the way back to Aynorport to give him his gun back. Still, I'm nervous. Better yet, I'm scared! Fuuuck. I'm so scared. But it's fine. Kage will protect me! Haha. That was a joke. I can protect myself.
7:16 PM - Arrived at Aynorprt a little bit ago. I don't have much to say. My ass hurt and I'm nervous. Komaeda, here I come!!!!!!
10:25 PM - Komaeda is going to make us dinner. I've been attached to Kage's hip since we got here. This guy really, seriously, freaks me the fuck out. He's nice, yeah, but oh my god. Uhm. I'm glad we get to stay in our own room, at least. I just wanna go to beddddd. What if he poisons the food? Or. drugs it. I've been drugged a few times. Scary shit. I NEED TO SMOKE!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! Whatever. I'm chilling. I need to kiss Kage to relieve my stress. That is a joke
5:43 AM - Passed out after eating dinner. I don't THINK he drugged it........but you can never be sure. When I woke up (a few minutes ago) I was clinging onto Kage like a koala! Ah. I'm glad I still get to sleep with him while we stay here. I'm actually not sure if I'd be able to sleep without him at this point...? Like I've said before, kind of dependent on him nowadays. Uh. Might see Izuru today. They're so strange. I like them. Very pretty hair. Auuuuuhhm. I'm still tired. Back to bed!
1:24 PM - Awake. Well, I've been awake for a while, actually. I forgot to update for a bit. I don't think Kage is feeling very well. .........Maybe Komaeda did poison the food. Haha. Eyeballs emoji. That's a joke. I'm kidding. I jest. I hope he feels better. Poor Kage. Being here makes me miss home. Like, the home I grew up in. This town has such a heavy atmosphere. Makes me feel like I'm suffocating.
3:51 PM - Visited the shore with Kage. I hung around for a while. I really love the ocean. Strangely enough, the shore feels a lot less suffocating than the rest of the town does. Isn't that nice?
9:04 PM - Lied down with Kage for a while. He's so pretty. I want to kiss him all over his face and tell him how lovely I think he is! Maybe in a little bit. I'm tired. I bit my cheek really hard earlier and it hurts. Sad face.
11:31 PM - I'm out of it today. Sorry for not updating much. I don't feel good. And, also, that car ride seriously hurt!!!!!!! Fuuuck. My ass still hurts I hate my life lalalala. I know you're in town but I don't know where. Can I see you? I'll be secretive, I promise. I'm good at being secretive. Can't you tell? I haven't smoked since before we left for Aynorport. Grrrggrgrghh. I haven't felt like trying to style my hair lately. It's sitting like how it used to. Kind of funny. It's getting all wavy again, too. The humidity probably doesn't help much. I don't have anything to say.
I have moles all over my body, excluding my face. I get freckles during the summertime. My hair is naturally black, I just dye it. Sometimes I wear eyeliner, though I haven't done so recently. I wanted to be a doctor. I have never killed anyone, unlike some people. I can't drive a car, legally, but I have driven one before. I used to watch My Little Pony when I was a kid, because I liked it, but I told all of my peers that I only watched it because Kaede liked it. Kaede did not, in fact, like My Little Pony. My favorite pony was Chrysalis. I don't remember my birthday, but it's probably sometime during december. I don't know how to swim or ride a bike. I've almost suffocated in my own vomit a few times. I like the color green. I had a friend who tried to teach me ballroom dancing. I was very bad at it.
11:58 PM - Cramping really bad all of a sudden. Should I kill myself? Lmk lol. I'm kidding. I'm not killing myself. Especially not in fucking Aynorport LMAOOOOOOOOOOOOwonnegngnwingejnjenjengngieogjjqowdkcm,f. I want to cry. It hurts just a little bit Lol. Lol. Lol. This, too, shall pass.
12:32 AM - I feel a little better now, physically. Uh, it's not like I'm necessarilly upset right now, I'm just having weird brain fog. I miss Kage's bed. I miss Kage. Well, not really. He's right next to me. I don't know. Gonna cling onto him for the rest of the night. This place is genuinely miserable and I think it's rubbing off on the both of us. Man. Fuuuuuuuck this. I wonder if Komaeda has a super secret torture chamber in his basement or something. Maybe everyone here does! I want a poptart.
1:59 AM - I've sneezed three times within the past minute. I'm a nuisance. My stomach hurts really bad and it's making me want to cry again. Owwwwwwwwwwww. I want to kiss him right now. Like a lot. But I don't want to bother him. Woe is me. I know there's a..uhhhh. diner. here. I wonder if Kage would want to go eat there tomorrow. Y'know, to give us something to do. I'll ask. Tomorrow.
10:11 AM - augh. woke up. Komaeda talked to me about a..."popular spot for lovers"...told me to take Kage there. Thing is- we aren't lovers! Ummn...not technically, I guess. Even if we sleep together and kiss and stuff and I basically live with him. I dunno. I might still take him there anyways. Something to...lighten up the mood? Anyways. Uh. I slept pretty bad. I had a really, really weird nightmare, and when I woke up, it felt like my whole body was in flight mode!!!!!!!!!! Scary. I'm still kind of shaken up by it, or whatever. I don't know why. It was just weird. Gonna hold onto Kage again. Yawn.
1:11 PM - I'm tired. So, potential places to take Kage: park, diner. That's it. Those are the only two places. What a dreary place to live in!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! Maybe...uhhh...later in the day, we can go to one, or both. I dunno. Not right now though. I don't feel like moving and my ass hurts again. Kage is warm and pretty and alive and in bed with me and everything is okay.
8:51 PM - i feel really bad right now
12:06 AM - yesterday (technically) was father's day. sad face. i want to tell my dad happy father's day. but he's dead and i never really knew him in the first place. oh well. i've felt really really sad today. i kind of. haven't left kage's side at all. i can't wait to go home. i should take kage out to eat soon. i feel bad. i don't know. he doesn't seem. happy? i want to make him happy. i dunno. i'm hungry.
12:52 AM - Ah ah ah. Ah! Kage just asked me. and. you'll never believe this. he asked me if I wanted to go to a theme park. like, right now. Apparently there's one that's still open a little under an hour out of Aynorport. Hehhehehe. Ah. I'm really happy, suddenly. I've been wanting to do this with him. So, like. Obviously, I said yes. Ahh. Oh my gosh. I'm like, really, really happy. Like my-body-can't-contain-it kind of happy. I'm so excited. It'll probably be so pretty, too! Since it's dark out. Wahhaa. I wanna kiss him so bad. I will kiss him. Yeah.
1:21 PM - I had a lot of fun last night. I was so happy I could cry!!!!!!!!!!!! Ah. Ah. Ah. I want to do so much with him. He, uh. Asked me if I'm ready to leave. Thank God. I've never been more ready for anything. So I think we'll be leaving sometime...today? or tomorrow. IDK. H and Komaeda got into a fight, it seems. Lol. Can't believe I missed it. I'm dreading the car ride back home. My butt........my buttttttttttt...*sniffle* it will Hurt. But it's fine. I'm happy. and hungry. I want to eat something.
6:06 PM - Went to visit someone for a bit. That noose in the woods has a weird feeling surrounding it. Wonder Why! I guess we're leaving early tomorrow. Excited to go back home. I want to cook with Kage again.
8:00 PM - when we get home i want to watch a movie with kage and kiss him all over. whatever. my hands are sooo shaky and i don't know why. i'm going to lay on the floor and play dead for a while.
9:18 PM - I should probably pack up for tomorrow. I kind of want to kill myself tonight. Not like I will or anything. But the thought is in my head, for some reason. Yawwwwwn.
11:39 PM - Kage came home some time ago. I'm sleepy. Wanna...lay in bed with him and pass out. Mh.
2:35 AM - Fell asleep at some point. He's holding me. Ah. I want to love him, you know? Like, love love him. That makes it sound like I don't, or like I can't. It's just. I don't know. I'm not sure what I feel. I'm not good at feelings! I want it to be love but I'll be damned if I know whether it actually is or not. Does it matter? I don't know. I like him a lot, I know that much. He's ...like, my favorite person. And I feel a lot of things when I'm around him. Which is...all of the time, pretty much. Sigh. IDK. Too much to think about. I feel restless but I don't want to get up. We have to leave tomorrow. So. I should get all the rest I need. Mggggghhhh.
6:30 PM - I want to watch a movie. We'll be home really soon. Maybe Kage will be up for movie time after we unpack and get settled in...I hope so!!!
7:45 PM - Homeeeee. Kage asked what I wanted to do. So I asked if we could watch a movie! I might fall asleep in the middle of it, though. I'm tired.
12:19 AM - Dozed off while watching the movie. Uhh. Kage got up at some point I guess. A little sad. But it's okay. I can't keep him pinned to one spot forever, now can I? mghhh. Gonna head to bed and fall back asleep.
2:44 AM - Woke up again. Kage is in bed now. That makes me happy. Ggghhlkklkkl.k. I love him a little. I'm really hungry and my ass hurts. Owwww.Sniffle.
1:55 PM - Awake. I've been up for a while, though. Kage went to work a little after I woke up. I need to work too...ugh. Maybe tomorrow. It's not like I have a set job or anything. Not anymore! Lol. I guess I can go back to. It. Whenever I want. But I never want to. So I never will. Which is why I've had to get creative with my jobs lately! Hmm.
6:55 PM - Kage isn't home. Gonna go out and fuck around, I suppose! I need to be beat.
8:28 PM - At a park. On the swings. Cool. My ears are ringing a little. I'm a grown man at a children's park. But it's fine. There's nobody here. I want to listen to music.
9:18 PM - I ate something that was on the ground and it made me throw up. Just like old times...kind of poetic... I'm gonna smoke for a little and then head home probably. The grass looks very plush and comforting tonight. But I shan't! I shan't!!!!!!!!!!!!!! I miss my brother. I want to get drunk. Sometimes I wish you'd hurt me. I don't know why. I had this, uh. this thought. In the back of my head when we met up in Aynorport. I wanted you to punch me really hard. So hard that you'd like, break my nose or something. But you wouldn't. I know that. I wish you hated me a whole lot more. I mean, I think you should. If I put myself in your shoes, I'd hate me. Useless younger brother that killed your mom and basically forced you to raise him. I'd hate me so bad. I'm sure you resent me at least a bit. I don't get why you looked for me for so long.
1:13 AM - I got home a little bit ago. I felt sort of sad earlier. And then I threw up and smoked and rolled around on the ground for a bit. And I still felt sad. But it was fine. I want to kiss Kage.
3:39 AM - Don't knowwhat to write.In bed. Kage doesn't seem to be feeling well. I wish I knew what to do. I might pass out soon. I'm so sad and I don't know why.
12:31 PM - Awake. This is kind of suffocating. I'm not sure what's wrong. You know, I. Uh. I thought that if we went back home things would be better. But it doesn't feel any better. And it's making me anxious. Not a fan. I'm so twitchy this morning. Whatever. I don't care. I put my cigarette out on my wrist last night because I didn't want to stomp it out on the ground. It left a mark like when Tsumugi did it and I thought it was kind of sexy. Not really. Not sure why I said that. I didn't feel much for it at all and went home. If I had half the mind to pick something up for Kage on the way home, I would've. But what? I don't knowww. And, I don't know if it'd even make him happy, is the biggest problem. He could see whatever I got him and go back to feeling just as whatever-the-fuck he felt before. I'm so itchy. Not actually. But it feels like I am. Like, it feels like there's something bubbling underneath my skin and I need to scratch and scratch and scratch to get it out and be freed of this feeling! Hey. I had a dream I was with him again. Not Amami, or Ouma, or Kaito (presumably, his surname is Momota, but who knows? Maybe my Kaito is different from all the other ones)-but he who shall not be named! Uh. He's not actually Voldemort. I just don't remember his name or his face. Which, thank God. I don't think I want to. It was weird. I knew it was him, 'cos of the. uh, the hair. So long and so pretty. I don't really remember all of what happened in the dream. He was towering over me for a while and I think I felt afraid. I wonder what all the hype for shooting yourself is? I guess it depends on where you aim. If you shoot yourself in the head you're dead almost immediately, I think, unless your aim is so bad that you get really unluckily lucky and survive somehow. I read a story about that. Someone tried to shoot their lover in the head, but somehow, the bullet didn't kill them! If you shoot yourself in the heart or whatever, you'll probably die almost immediately, too. But other places, I think, wouldn't kill you nearly as fast. So, anyways. Infomami asked me a while ago if I had ever considered shooting myself. And I said yes. And I thought, yes. But would I ever actually shoot myself? I don't think so. It's a huge mess. I'd probably shoot myself in the head. When my body is found, people would have the scrape my brains off of the surrounding surfaces! That's gross. And a hassle. Why shoot yourself when there are so many less messy ways to die? And this is where you reply, "I don't know, Shuichi. Shooting yourself sounds really stupid, now that you point it out." Anyways. I was obsessed with this one girl for a while. She reminded me of Kaede, and I think, in a way, I was trying to grasp whatever was left of my childhood. She kind of looked like Kaede, too. Unfortunately, she was not her. They talked very differently. They behaved differently. And Kaede would probably wince at most of this shit she did. Well, the Kaede that I knew, at least. She would be a completely different person now, couldn't she? She could be, like, an axe murderer. I wouldn't know! I don't think she has the stomach to murder people, especially not with an axe. But still. I have a gun and I might use it.
1:37 PM - Not in the sense that I'm gonna start shooting people. That was more meant in the sense that I'm going to shoot myself despite my previous declaration that it's stupid to do that. I don't like hurting others. UNLIKE SOME PEOPLE. Haha. You don't know who I'm targeting when I say that. And that's okay. Mostly because I'm not targeting anyone. I want to watch a movie. I'm going to ask Kage if he wants to watch a movie.
2:28 PM - I want breakfast. It's like. kind of late for breakfast. But I haven't eaten since last night and what I ate wasn't anything of substance because I threw it up like, thirty minutes later. I'm worried whatever I ate might catch up to me. What if I have the plague now? Lol. I know I don't. I'm hungry. Bottom line. We're watching a movie now. I was actually scared that he'd say no, but. he seemed happy to say yes! At least a bit. And that made me happy. Ah. I get really in my head sometimes and I start thinking CRAZY! And then I talk to Kage and it's like. Wow. Suddenly I feel a little more normal. He grounds me, sometimes. I suppose! Anyways. Hungry. I want food. I wonder if we have pasta. Who doesn't? I mean. If we don't, I could run out and get some. It'll take like 5 minutes and pasta is cheap enough. I really want pasta. I'm gonna see if Kage wants pasta. Take a shot for each time I've said pasta.
3:23 PM - Pasta pasta pasta. Like. Uhhh. The Pete Davidson clip. You know? Bacon bacon bacon. I asked if Kage wanted pasta and he kissed me. Ahhhhaa. Hahhhahah. Lol. I want to make out with him. Anyways, I made pasta. So good. We had more pastas than I thought! So much freedom! I like. Cooking for him. It makes me happy. I guess I just like doing stuff for him in general. To pay off my nonexistent debt for letting me live with him. And, also, I just think he deserves to have things done for him. Shrug shrug!
6:35 PM - I'm so tired. I want to gnaw on Kage like a dog bone. I should go take a shower.
10:27 PM - Kage got home a bit ago. He got weed. He smells like weed. Not like I care. It's a very familiar smell! Tsumugi used to smell like weed. All the time. Auuuuuhh. I wanna kiss him. I will. I'll kiss him lots to compensate for how weird the start of today - and the previous few days - was! He's so pretty. Let me lick you! JK.
12:50 AM - #needthat. Lol. hhhahhrhhhrggrhnigjtngjanjnjgmmnhjjjkkkk. whatever. I like kissing him. a lot. Wish I could do this every day. AAAHHH!!!!!!!!!
2:09 AM - Suddenly felt really sad. Weird. It's okay. It was fleeting. I want to smoke but I don't really feel like getting up. I am going to hold onto Kage and pass out. It's actually, uh. 3:36 AM now. I don't know why I stopped writing for so long.
2:05 PM - I've been up for a bit. Hi. I'm really hungry. You know what I want? Chocolate chip muffin. Nghh. I have a headache right now and it really hurts so I'm trying not to think about it. Loll. Ow. I might cry.
4:26 PM - I miss my mom. Never really met her. You know, on account of the fact that I killed her. Eh. How many more times can I make that joke before it gets old and people start thinking I actually murdered my mom?
10:06 PM - I need to get a new fake ID asap I hate my liiiife. Bleh. I'm going to take a shower and then cling onto Kage in bed.
11:20 PM - My head hurts. Wanna kiss him til I stop thinking! Wuh. I'm sleepy.
2:03 AM - stoppp. stop. stop. i hate it when you do that and. i hate you. stop it. why are you doing this? now? you don't need to tell me what to do with my life. in case you weren't aware, i've gone over half of it without your guidance, and i'm still alive. you're just saying this shit because you want to take yourself out of the picture. i know it. i can feel it. you're just going to leave again. i don't care. whatever. fuck you. i'm not stupid. i've gone through shit too. stop.!!!! auuggghhggg. i've been so good. why are you acting like i'm going to ruin my life? why. are you doing this? i don't get it. i don't get you. i'll keep doing everything exactly as i've been doing it. ughhhh. uayaggshrheiensjwjrndgsvaisjdn.whatever. i feel like you're. a ticking time bomb. how much longer til you blow up and kill yourself? a day? a few? i don't know. i want my brother. i don't know if you can give me what i want anymore. i love you. why do you do this to me?
2:37 AM - whatever. i'm calm. kage is warm and he's nice and i feel good next to him. i always do. i'm tired. i think it's bedtime.
4:02 AM - I can't sleep. Ah. Ah. Ah. I'm so grateful for him. I wish I knew how to show it properly. I think I'd seriously kill myself if I didn't have Kage. Uh, which might not be crazy healthy. but. idk. i think it's healthier than me killing myself, so. y'know. I don't. think he ate yesterday. Maybe I should try and get him to eat more. If he dies via starvation I'll kill myself.Ok i need to stop saying that i'm sorry i love you
1:55 PM - I had like 4 nightmares once I was actually able to fall asleep. That's cool. Kind of missed breakfast, but I'm hungry. I'll see if Kage wants lunch or something. Yaaawn.
3:15 PM - He's going out to the store, I think. I'm going to sit outside and smoke. All I ever do these days. I'm like your weird cold grandpa who never really talks and just smokes all the time.
8:04 PM - I feel like shit. Oh my God. I don't know where Kage is but I kind of want to hold him really tight until I stop feeling like shit. Whatever. I want a salad. I'm going to go lay down in bed. I have a migraine.
9:55 PM - fell asleep for a little. woke up and kage was in bed with me! ahh. ah. he's so nice. i want to. uh. you know. i want to live with him for as long as i can. i want to be with him. for as long as i can. my head still hurts. maybe we should get ice cream together again sometime soon. i think, maybe, he'd like that? i miss you. i'm sorry for being mean.
3:25 AM - Fell asleep at some point. Awake now. Probably gonna go back to sleep...at some point. I don't really want to do anything but stare at Kage and hold him really tight. My favorite activity! Ahahh. He's just so pretty. And. I like being close to him. Yeah. Okay. Back to bed.
2:04 PM - Yaaawn. I want funnel cake. And I want a puppy. Awww. Aww. Puppydog. Sometimes I close my eyes and pretend Kage is a puppy. It's basically the same as having a real one. Haha. That's a joke. My hair is all wavy again. I look like a maniac!
4:56 PM - Kage is out. I'm gonna take a walk or something. I feel okay today. Hungry, though.
7:30 PM - Went home a little while ago and Kage got back shortly after! He brought food. So sweet. Laying with him in bed now. He's so lovely.
10:11 PM - I miss when you used to. Uh. Bathe me. it didn't happen often but. I dunno. Miss it. I want someone to wash my hair for me. Sounds nice. I used to be really bad at taking care of myself. I was little and weird and couldn't do anything right. Stupid baby! I want to. Uuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuh. Take a bath. with Kage. One day. Eventually. It sounds nice. I want to do a lot with him.
12:19 AM - I wonder how Kage feels about romcoms. They're kind of awful, in my opinion. That's why I love them so much! If he's not busy tomorrowww...I want to watch movies with him. I really enjoy it. And I can usually steal a kiss or two. Or Three. When we're watching. Lol. Lol. Lol. lol. Lol. Sometimes the sky feels a lot further away than it actually is.
3:11 PM - Good morning. Hehe. Not really. Sorry. I'm gonna see if...Kage would...maybe. want to go out to eat or something. And then we could watch movies together. If he wants to. Every day is Kage day! Ah. I'm really tired. So tired. More than usually. And my chest feels funny. but it's okay. I want to roll around in the dirt.
6:30 PM - Went out to eat with Kage a while ago. It was really nice. I'm. So sleepy, though. Ahh. I wanna nap.
8:52 PM - How do you propose a prolonged makeout session with someone without sounding like a creep? Hey. Want to kiss with tongue for an hour or more
2:10 AM - Ah. Ah. I want to kiss Kage lots. For. a long time. and so I will. I am BRAVE and strong and whatever else. I. Will. yeah. Okay.
1:40 PM - I feel like shit. Physically, at least. Mentally or emotionally or whatever I feel pretty great. I guess. I'm tired and my body hurts and I'm so lightheaded. Siiiiiiiigh. What is a boy to do? Kage went to work. I need to work. I'll find something to do. Yeah. I need to do laundry, also. Mmmhhh. Laundry. and then I'll head out for a little. I need to buy another pack of cigarettes soon. I am going through them waaaay too fast again. Yikes! I miss putting my hair up in a ponytail. Even though it made me look like a girl.
7:55 PM - Kage finally came home. A little bit ago. Ehe. He brought food. I like him so much. It makes me wanna punch myself.
11:30 PM - bed time comfy time with kage. i want to kiss him all over. and also. i really want to sleep. i'm so tired. god.
3:07 AM - Fell asleep for a little and had a really bad dream. Lol. Okay. I'm going to hold onto Kage really tight. Really tight. And not let go! Uhhh. bye bye pride month. I'm still bisexual and that Other Thing.
2:03 PM - I've been up for a little. Had another nightmare. That's all I do! Nightmare! Nightmare! Nightmare! Ughhh. Whatever. I'm hungry but I don't want to move.
2:54 PM - I want a burger. I want a burger. AHHHH! I should take a shower.
10:01 PM - God. My mind has been elsewhere today. I'm sorry. I feel weird, in the sense that. It's hard to think. and I can't seem to snap out of it. I don't really even remember much of today. I thought it would help to see what I've written throughout the day, only to find that I've written close to nothing. Uuuuuhgh. I don't know. I feel like crying for no particular reason. I want to be held. Or beat. Or killed. I don't know. One of the three. I'm really struggling to write this. Keep losing my train of thought. I want to smoke but I don't feel like it. Stupid.
2:23 AM - I don't want to do anything. Besides, of course, what I want to do - which is, cling onto Kage all night and maybe even kiss him lots when I wake up in the morning. I still feel off. But it's easier not to think about it when I direct my attention to all of the stuff I want to do to Kage.
Eh. That sounds pervy. I'm sorry.
3:03 PM - I wonder if Kage would maybe want to do something today. I want to do something with him. My stomach hurts really bad but I feel a little better than yesterday! I miss all of the stray animals I've ever met
11:05 PM - I wonder if something is wrong with me. I am afflicted with the same issue I was last night. I am annoyed. I can barely think and I really don't remember much of the day and I haven't written anything since 3PM. Maybe I have a brain tumor. Or some sort of tapeworm. It's more likely than you'd think, considering how I've lived the majority of my life. I want to smoke. But it's kind of hot out. Smoking will only make it hotter. But God, I want to smoke. Maybe I should just kill myself.
11:51 PM - Kage hugged me. Aw. That was really sweet. He's really sweet. I want to hug him for a long long time. Ahha. I don't know how I even get somewhat upset when I live with him. He makes it very easy to get over whatever is troubling me. I don't know. I guess he's just that kind of person. Or maybe it's because I like him as much as I do. It's hard to tell anymore. I...uhh. I used to be really worried that I was making him uncomfortable all the time. Whenever we interacted. Because he always seemed a little awkward. And I was like...ohhhh no...maybe I need to tone it down. But I don't think I ever really did make him all that uncomfortable. At least, now that I think about it in retrospect. Um. I know he likes me. I don't think we'd do the stuff we do if he didn't. That makes me happy. I'm grateful I have him. He's a good. friend. or whatever we are. Good guy that I kiss and share a bed with.
1:26 AM - Lying down in bed with Kage. Apparently his ... sister? reached out to him. Weird. I didn't even know he had a sister unti, like, 30 minutes ago. You learn something new everyday. I don't think he's particularly happy about it. Uuuh. Not sure. I would say it's none of my business, but. we do live together and sleep together and stuff. So I guess I'm allowed to ponder on this stuff at least a little. I care about him. Or whatever. Anyways, I'm really hungry. I actually haven't eaten like. at all today, I'm pretty sure. And if I did, I don't remember it. My stomach feels like it's eating itself. Something something ouroboros
5:51 AM - Haven't been able to sleep all night so I've kind of just been clinging onto Kage and hoping I'll eventually drift into the sweet and soft embrace of sleep. Unfortunately, that has not yet happened. I'm tired. I want to kiss him, but he's asleep. Fuck! I kind of want to watch TV. But I'm holding onto Kage. And watching TV might just keep me up longer. And I'm really fucking hungry. Like, so hungry it hurts! And that's weird because. I used to be able to go days without eating. But I guess now that I'm in a place where I can eat somewhat more consistently, my body just can't handle being so hungry anymore. Fuckkkk. I don't know. I'm really tired and so frustrated that I might cry. I just want to sleep.
11:48 AM - Ah. Just woke up. I didn't end up sleeping til 7. I'm really tired. Lol. I might...go back to sleep. Auuuugh. Tired. Tired. All I want to do is hold onto Kage all day. I wonder how he feels about fishing. I want to go fishing.
3:33 PM - I woke up around 1. I want to go out somewhere nice with Kage. Uhm...maybe not today. 'Cos it's really hot. Like really fucking hot. And it's making me terribly unmotivated to do anything. Can't even smoke in this weather. But. Soon. I want to go somewhere nice with him.
8:01 PM - I don't think Kage is feeling well. I. am going to see if I can help him at all.
11:52 PM - Got Kage ibuprofen a while ago. it kind of feels like i blacked out a bit i'm not gonna lie to you Like. i dont even know. really fucking weird. i'm not sure what's wrong with me. um. like. i was doing stuff. i know that. but i dont really remember actually being there in the act of doing stuff. and my head kind of hurts. and it's a little distressing. haha. i'm sooooooooo scared. So scared. Like. Ahhhh. Like. whateverrr. Uh. Holy shit. I'm going to bash my head in. this is really difficult. i don't know how to explain it. lol. lol. i'll slit throat if this keeps up. it's seriously frustrating. i'd like one day where i feel like i'm actually there, please! fuck. Like.I don't know i'm so twitchy right now. I want to hurt myself. maybe i',m just getting old. i'm getting super old at 22. or whatever i am. 21. 23. i don't know. ahhhhhhghghghghhgghghghhghghghghghg. i need to do something. i'm so fucking spacey all the time and it's really really really really really really really awful. i am going to go outside and hit my head against a tree for a few moments in hopes of that grounding me.
1:19 AM - I feel the exact same, except now my head hurts even more because I hit it against a tree more times than I probably should've. Man. Whatever. It's alright. It's time for my favorite part of the day. Night. whatever. Lying down with Kage! Um. It is relatively reassuring that (most likely) no matter what, I'll always have him to come back to at the end of the day. I suppose this is what it feels like to be married to someone. You have a shit day at work and you come home to your spouse and everything is fine even though your day was awful. But I'm (sort of) unemployed. And we're not married. Everything is okay, in the grand scheme of things. I'm happy and well. I've never been better, literally. There is no "but" to that. That's a conclusive statement. I'm happy.
Oh, also. Happy 4th. I'm not particularly patriotic. But I like fireworks.
5:30 AM - I guess something cool about staying up as late as I tend to is that I always feel like I'm seeing a part of the world I'm not really supposed to be seeing. Because I should be asleep. But I'm not. Isn't that funny? Everything is so much more different after midnight. It was especially cool when I was younger. I was so, so, so scared, but I guess there was a sort of thrill to it. Staying up past my bedtime. Even though I didn't really have a bedtime anymore. And it's not like I ever adhered to it when I did have one. I miss home. Home, not as in the house we used to live in, but like. the whole area. I miss it. I miss the people. Even though most of them sucked a little. They were all worried about me. I left so much behind. Maybe I could've just lived with Kaede until you came back (even though I now know you never would) or something. I wouldn't have to put myself through all the shit I did. I'd still be with people who love me. And nobody would hurt me. Though...she probably couldn't legally (haha) let me crash at her house for like. ever. 'cos she wasn't my guardian. I'd more than likely get swooped into the loving arms of the system eventually. I miss it all. But I guess I have a new home now. And that's cool. I don't really like who I am. And sometimes I wish I could be me. Like, me. Who I'm supposed to be. But despite that...everything is fine. I dunno. I'm tired. I drank with Kage a little. I'm going to sleep now. And I'll hold him really tight. And when I wake up he probably won't be there because I'll sleep in way too late as a consequence of my poor sleep schedule. And that's okay. Or whatever
3:46 PM - I am so fucking tired. I need to smoke!!! It's so hot out but I am a resilient man. I want steak. Not really. I kind of hate steak, usually. It's always too chewy for me. Not like I come by steak often, anyways.
12:39 AM - I want to smoke. But I don't feel like going outside. Gonna crack open a window and smoke, I guess. Maybe see if Kage wants to join. I want to kiss him all over. I. Am having Naughty Thoughts as of late. I think I deserve to be burned alive. I want a burger.
2:50 AM - Got in bed a little while ago. Can't sleep. But. It's okay. Kage is there. Here. Nice. I'm so tired. Uuaagghh. I hate my body. It never lets me sleep.
3:13 PM - I feel nothing but pain right now. Physically. I don't have much to say.
4:33 PM - Yawnn. Kage hugged me. He's so sweet. Haha. Ah. I like him so much. I miss him when he's gone and then I feel stupid and gay for missing him. I am stupid. And Gay. I should kill myself. On that note, he left for work. I want to eat something but I don't really feel like it.
8:23 PM - He came home a bit ago and asked if I wanted to go out to eat. Ehe. Yayyy. Yay. Yay. Yay. I do, obviously. I've been wanting to do something with him for a bit now. I like. When we go out together. It kind of feels like a date, usually. And that's. Fun.
12:16 AM - We got home a while ago. But. I've been clinging onto Kage for the past few hours, so I didn't really have the time to update. Nor did I feel like updating. It was really nice. Going out, I mean. I had a good time. I want to. kiss him. and be nice to him. and do a lot. to him and for him and so on. I'm sure you get the idea. He's so pretty all the time. If I look at him for too long my heart skips a beat! Kagehara senpai! You're so beautiful!!! Eh. I'm sorry. That was dumb.
3:07 AM - Today I spent time at home. Everything was okay.
Lol. I jest. Uh. Sorry for not writing at all yesterday. I don't know. I want to hurt myself. I really don't feel good. It's frustrating given my previous talk about how objectively happy I am. I'm tired. I want to cut myself open and do nothing to stop the bleeding. And I want to die. My eyes hurt really bad. I didn't eat anything yesterday. I feel gross and sticky. And. I think I need to clean myself. So filthy.
I wish it was easier for me to be honest to Kagehara. I want to tell him my name and stuff. But I really don't know how. It's just, a little weird. To be constantly referred to as "Legally Saihara", knowing that's not who I am. I never really felt the guilt that I do with him with my past friends and lovers or whatever. And it's confusing. Maybe because I know I want this to be at least somewhat longterm. Maybe even permanent. If he'd let it be. He doesn't deserve to be lied to. Of course, I'm sure he's aware I'm not being completely upfront about my identity. It's...like...kind of obvious. But still. Doesn't he deserve to know? You asked me. If I planned on telling him. And I told you, I don't know - there's no normal way to go about telling him that I'm someone completely different from who I made myself out to be. And. What if he hates me? What if he feels. misled, or hurt? It's not impossible, nor is it unreasonable. I don't want to mess things up. I don't know. It's just. I think I love him, in some way. But can I really, really say that...if I'm like...totally lying to him? Uh. I'm not sure. I don't really want to think about this right now. It's sort of. stressful. I don't think Kage feels very good. And that's saddening. So. I'm going to hold onto him really tight. Idk. Maybe it's comforting. It is for me. I always liked holding people.
1:48 PM - tired. idk. good afternoon.
9:26 PM - I made Kage soup a bit ago. He wasn't feeling well earlier and so. I offered. I'm really sleepy right now. I. Feel like I might pass out. So tired.
1:29 AM - Watched movies with Kage for a while. Comfy and cozy in bed now. I feel better than I did earlier. Still soooo tired, though. Today was okay. I hope he feels better tomorrow. or. uh. in the morning. I guess it's already tomorrow. I dunno. Goodnight.
6:21 AM - Didn't actually sleep at all. I got weirdly in my head and started thinking about a lot of stuff. Like, weird stuff. Like. What if I died tomorrow? Would I die happy knowing where I am in life? Knowing the people I surround myself with? Would I be upset because of how my life played out? Because of what I've done? I don't know. I think it'd all come down to that final moment. Maybe I wouldn't have time to think about it at all. Maybe it'd be everything. I don't think I really want to kill myself, or hurt myself in any way. I never wanted to. But it's like...it feels like, that's the only way. That's my out. All that's left for me is the end. But that's not true at all, is it? I just don't want to keep going. But I don't want to die, either. I'm grateful that I never succeeded in my efforts to kill myself. Because I want to live, subconsciously, at least. It's just that...everything hurts so bad!!!!!!!!!! I'm so tired! So tired!!!!!! My body is totally ruined and it's a miracle I didn't die on the streets! And I'm better now. But not enough to where it makes living easy. I'll never be there, I think. I'm in this weird limbo where I can function and live and do things, but it's so physically and mentally taxing, and it hurts so bad, that...I really can't bring myself to do anything, most of the time. Um. And you see all these other people my age doing good things with their life, and helping themselves, and it's like...why am I not there? Why am I so far behind? Of course, I know why. But...why? You know? Haha. Why? Why? That's all I can think to ask. Do I deserve everything I've been through? Does anyone deserve anything? Am I evil? Is that why things happened like they did? I'm not good, I know that much. But I'm not stupid enough to think that people are only plainly good, or evil, and that there's no in-between. Yet, acknowledging that doesn't make me feel better. I don't want to be in the gray area. I want to be good. I want to be a good person, I want to be worth something. But I'm not evil enough to be evil, and I'm not good enough to be good. That's so dumb. I want to feel like I deserve to live so it makes the process of continuing on easier. It's really hard to try and live my life when I have a constant, nagging feeling that I'd be better off dead. I don't want to die. I can't die. Dying would be selfish, I think, to some extent. I'm not sure. It feels selfish. I'm a selfish person. I always have been. I mean, what other options were there? I made one really, really selfish decision that doomed me to a life of constant selfishness forevermore. Take a shot for each time I say selfish. God. This isn't as coherent as I'd like it to be. I'm sorry. I love you. You, as in, the reader, and whoever I had in mind as I wrote that. I know who I was thinking of. But you don't. Lol...are you getting FOMO or whatttt? Okay I'm tired goodnight
4:53 PM - I can't. do anything today. i'm really tired. i'm so sorry
8:37 PM - Kage came home. I missed him. I really don't feel good today. I'm in a bad mood and I've gotten out of bed maybe. Twice? the whole day. I wanna dieeeeee. My body hurts and I'm exhausted and I'm thiiiis close to crying. God save me
9:12 PM - In bed with Kage. Ah. I feel a little better when he's here. Gonna...kiss him all over.And then probably sleep I can barely keep my eyes open
4:22 AM - I woke up around 1, I think. Kage went out for a walk. Sad. I feel gross. I'm gonna take a shower and go back to sleep.
12:23 PM - I need someone to hurt me bad so I feel motivated to do something meaningful with my life. I need that old man to hunt me down for round 2 or something. I'm so tired.
I'm not super depressed or anything. I am just so Tired. And my body hurts. Took ibuprofen. I want to cry forever and then impale myself on something.
12:45 PM - I want to cook with Kage again. That was fun.
4:30 PM - Kage is Letting me Scratch him. God bless
7:22 PM - Hungry. I wonder if he'd let me help him make dinner.
12:07 AM - Helped Kage make dinner a while ago. It was yummy. Ehe. Yay. I really enjoy cooking with him. I'm tired...wehh. I have to take care of something before I sleep, though.
3:01 AM - I got settled in bed a while ago. But, uh. Kage isn't in bed. So. I'm not. Sure. I don't really want to sleep just yet. The though of sleeping without him tonight is somewhat disconcerting. I could not begin to tell you why. The room feels a little cold. And it's dark. Uuuuuuuuhm. Yeah. I don't know. I am going to sit in the living room for a little. Maybe until he shows up again. Or something. Maybe I will watch a movie. At a very low volume. And hope that I don't fall asleep on the couch. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Okay. Did you know? My real name starts with an N. I think. This is more of a reminder for me than it is anything for you.
12:54 PM - I fell asleep on the couch. I am useless. Good morning. Afternoon. Whatever. I feel really weak today. It is hard to get up.
3:52 PM - I fell back asleep. God. I'm going to find Kage and cling onto him like a parasite. Unless he's standing or something. I guess I'll just stand near him if that's the case.
5:26 PM - I really don't know why I've been so down recently. It feels like my body is giving out on me, kind of. I don't like it. It makes me want to cry. Maybe I should see a doctor. I don't want to Think about that right now. Kage time. I want to play with his hair. It's so pretty.
9:39 PM - I like that you can. kind of see the stars. from Kagehara's house. Usually, where I'd stay...like, in big cities in stuff, the light pollution would be really bad, and so. you couldn't really see the stars at all. And it made me really sad. I like the stars because they remind me of this guy I knew for a night. He was nice. I want to go...uuuuuh. stargazing. Yeah. With Kage? I wonder if he'd enjoy that. I like the stars. He isn't feeling well right now. I wonder if he wants me to make him something to eat. I'll ask.
10:11 PM - Never mind, actually. I think he's feeling better. Yay! I'm thirsty.
1:44 AM - How weird would it be if I licked him? Pretty weird, I think. Various thoughts cycle through my head when I look at him, such as - I want to bite him super hard! I want to lick him! I want to make out with him! I want to grab him by the shoulders and shake him! I want to play with his hair! I want to shower with him! And so on. And each time I think, what the hell? And move on. I'm still thirsty. He made dinner a little while ago. Yummy. I'm too tired to get up and get something to drink so I guess it's bedtime. Bedtime Kagetime. I need to get out of the house more. Most of my entries revolve around Kage. I'm not particularly upset about that, but it's, like...kind of pathetic, isn't it? Hm. Let's see. I went out for a walk earlier today. I thought about Rantaro a lot. While I was out. And I guess I tried to block it out of my mind when I got home. As much as I claim to have moved on from him, I'm not sure I actually have. Not completely, at least. I'm not sure I've moved on from anyone completely. I still think about Angie. I think about Maki all of the time. Whenever I shower I think about Tsumugi. When I look at the stars I think about Kaito. The list goes on. I miss all of my people a lot. I guess Momota doesn't really count, though. It was one night. I just can't seem to forget about him. I wonder if he died. I knew he was sick when I slept with him, and I'm about 90% sure it was terminal. Ah. All of them could be dead. Rantaro probably isn't, considering I saw him relatively recently and he seemed to be thriving. But he could've gotten in some sort of freak accident after that. Kaede could be dead. Angie probably killed herself. She was always kind of...like, uh. Passively suicidal, I guess, is the term. I think she was really lonely. And me leaving without a word probably didn't help that. What a scary thought. God knows where Maki is now. I didn't really leave her like I left everyone else. It was different. Eh. Did I ever talk about Idabashi? I don't think so. Maybe another day. I've talked about Kokichi a little. Sometimes I wonder if I'd be able to find him again. Wouldn't that be nice? Ah. But it's been such a long time. He's probably gotten himself in jail somehow. I wonder if he'd appreciate visitors.
I miss Rantaro. And his hair. And his piercings. And his jacket. And his voice. Augh. I miss him. It's frustrating to think about. I threw away something very real and genuine because I felt as though I could never stay in one place for too long. And in my absence, he's done well for himself. Selfishly, I guess...I don't know, I kind of hoped he'd look a little sadder than he did. That's not a nice thing to think. Another part of me hoped that he'd miraculously recognize me. Which, obviously he wouldn't, and he didn't. How could he? It's been years, and I've put the effort in to be an entirely different person. I know that I hurt him. Not just by leaving, either. I was, like. really bad to him. I guess...looking back on it, my most prominent feeling is guilt. For how I hurt Rantaro, and how I hurt everyone else. And I can't feasibly apologize to any of them, so I have to just. live with it. and try not to think about it. and try not to mess up with Kage like I did with them.? I have a feeling Kage won't just be a. temporary staple in my life. Unless he kills himself or something. Which. I do worry about, a lot. A lot a lot. Haha noooo don't kill yourself I am dependant on youuu lol. How it feels. God. Anyways. I think he's here to stay, or, rather, I'm here to stay. And so I can't treat Kage like I treated them. Not if I want our friendship or whatever the fuck to last...eeeuuhahhhhhghgggh. It's easy. And I've done well so far, I think. I just get worried.
Mmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmm. Anyways. Bedtime Kagetime. I am going to hold onto him really tight. I think it's funny that I still looped back around to talking about him despite my previous declaration of how much I talk about him being pathetic. I am pathetic. Kill me now. I got to see a puppy yesterday. Or...two days ago? I don't remember. I am losing track of time. Like, in general. I'm still having weird head problems. It makes me want to hurt myself badly. Bedtime Kagetime.
12:17 PM - I started my period for the first time in what feels like a year. Fuck my life! Fuckkk. My life. I'm going back to bed.
2:45 PM - I FEEL LIKE SHIT AND I'M SAD and I don't want to do anything and I hate my life and I hate it And I hate it And I hate it and. I'm going to wallow in bed all day.
4:24 PM - haha. oh my god this is miserable. i'm genuinely considering hurting myself in some way to distract myself from the much more frustrating and constant pain i am dealing with as we speak.
5:44 PM - Kage asked if I wanted a free slurpee. Obviously, I said yes. Who wouldn't? Eh. Asked him to get a random flavor, though, 'cos I don't know what they have. I've never really paid it any mind. I still feel like shit.
8:34 PM - I threw up. Kage gave me my slurpee a little bit ago. Me throwing up was, assumedly, unrelated to the slurpee. I feel like I might throw up again. That's so fun. So fun. I'm going to kill myself.
10:13 PM - We're watching a movie together. Ahh. I still feel awful. But mildly better now that I'm doing something with him. Yay. I might. Fall asleep. I've been exhausted all day. I am going to play with his hair until I fall asleep or something
1:38 PM - Good morning. Afternoon. I ended up falling asleep on the couch. It is suspected that I am actually going through withdrawals. Something about the years of putting bad things into my body and then suddenly stopping very recently. Ehhhhhhhghghghhhghhgh. Whatever. I don't even care. I'm not sure where Kage is. Thinking of making myself something to eat. Very very very very very hungry
8:58 PM - I don't remember much of today. I'm going to...give Kage lots of love. 'Cos I kind of didn't do much today. Like at all.
10:51 PM - told kage i want to engage with him sexually. one step for man. one step for, i don't remember the rest. I'm really tired. God
7:32 AM - woke up and immediately vomited. Cool. I'm going back to sleep. Hopefully Kage doesn't work today. Selfishly, I don't really want him to.
1:02 PM - I haven't done much today. Took a shower. Mh. I want to, do things. Of a certain. Nature. Agahuhagaggahahagaggahhagahhauahag. Kage is so warm. Yay.
5:19 PM - I want to. maybe take Kage out to eat. I'll see if he's okay with that. I'm hungry. And I want to eat with him...
7:34 PM - We went out to eat. It was really nice. I like. doing things with him. It makes me wanna puke. I wonder if he wants to watch a movie ? Maybe. I'll ask. After I shower.
10:52 PM - I fell asleep while watching movies with him. I. Had a terribly embarrassing dream. I think I am going to kiss him all over and then maybe fall back asleep. I'm really tired.