So. I'm not sure how to start. I don't know if I want to date these. I don't think I will.
I felt really bad last night. For a while. I always feel bad at night. I'm less...scared, than I used to be. I guess. I guess. I guess. I don't know. I always feel scared, so maybe that's it. It's just a permanent feeling in the back of my head. I'm terrified. So it feels less prominent than it used to, and therefore, I feel less afraid - because . fear is all I feel? Haha. that doesn't make any sense. Of course, I feel other things, too. It's just always accompanied by a terribly deep and gnawing fear of . something. I don't know. I'll have to do everything again tonight. and then. again and again.and again. and again. I always stay up late because that's when it's easiest to find people who might. Want me. I guess. I don't think it's me they want. I think it's just what I can give them. I think people liked me more when I was younger. That's creepy, isn't it? Haha. I try to make money other ways. It works, sometimes, but not. Often. I always have to resort to. selling my body, in the end. lol. It's kind of all I know, now. For a while, I wasn't sure how to really have a normal relationship with someone without trying to sleep with them. Because. I just thought that's what everyone wanted from me. I still don't really know how to have a normal relationship with anyone. I guess I'm always kind of expecting someone to want something from me in the end. You know, it's not like I'm sex-repulsed or anything, I just...I don't know. I'd like to, for once, sleep with someone who at least kind of actually likes me. It'd be even better if they ... loved me! But that's wishful thinking.
I get really nervous when I actually get anywhere with...a client? I don't like calling them that. I don't like thinking of them as anything. I don't know. But I get nervous. Whenever we're actually about to fuck, I always feel like. Like I want to run away. But I can't. I initiated it, and I need the money. I need to stay. Even if I really, really don't want to! Sometimes, when I have the money, I drink before sleeping with anyone. It's a lot easier. because I don't have as much room to think.
God. I don't know. It's not like I want this. I. Never would've started doing this if people didn't. try and get with me first. I never would've. I was young. I was really young. People wanted me more than they ever should've. And . I didn't. have any other choice. There was nothing I could do. I fought against it. I didn't want them to do anything. But I was a kid. and I was scrawny and weak and scared and they were so much . bigger than me. I couldn't do anything. And it really hurt. I think they ruined me, at least a bit. I bled a lot. I had to clean myself up. And nobody was there to save me. And then I got older. And I needed the money, really bad. Like, really, really bad. I had nothing. And I had enough brains to think that . if people are going to try and take what they want from me. I could at least make them pay for it. Lol. Lollll. I guess I've grown more apathetic towards it over the years. My body hurts and I'm tired and my heartrate always spikes when anyone gets close to me. Sometimes if I'm really out of it, a stranger touching me, even by accident, is enough to make my cry! Haha. It's so stupid. I hate myself. I hate what I do. I don't think I could ever really get with someone romantically, because - why would you ever want me? I think all I'm really good for is my body. It'd probably make any potential love interest of mine sick if they knew how totally used up I am. It's like eating week-old leftovers. Lol. Not worth it. I'm not worth it. I feel kind of helpless. I'd love to get a real job, but. I literally can't. Because I don't exist. I have no documents or identification. I don't exist. I'm unhireable outside of odd jobs that I do for random people. So I'm kind of...stuck. Haha . ha. haha. Oh my god. It's seriously going to be this way for the rest of my life. Until, of course, I'm old and gross. LOL. LOL!!!! AHHH. I should've killed myself for real on god on my mama oh my god
I feel kind of sick. I don't think I'll be able to get much done tonight. I kind of hate myself for that. LOLLLLL. You'd think my immune system would be better than this, but. I've definitely got a fever. I. Guess I should still try. But. I don't want to get anyone else sick. Or like, pass out on someone. Accccckkkk.
I feel safe with Kage. Ah.
I don't usually like people touching me. But I've found that I really don't mind when he does. I guess I trust him. It's like...Rantaro, and Kokichi. And Maki. I don't talk about her much. Our friendship was a bit rockier. She didn't touch me much, but she was always so much more gentle than you'd expect when she did. I held her some nights. Ahh. Haha. I love all of my friends. Even the ones I don't see anymore.
It kind of...sticks with me forever, when I meet people who don't. Do what everyone else does. People who don't hurt me like everyone else does. None of them would ever make me do anything I didn't want to do. They were all so good. Ahaah. It's bittersweet, thinking about them.
It's always hard to go back to work after taking a break from it. I don't know. Can I really even call it "work"? I don't know. The thought of going back to it almost makes me want to cry. Haha. Like a little kid. Stupid. Uh. Luckily, I'm staying with Kage for. An indefinite amount of time now. Probably another week, at the least. I think something is coming up this week. He's written about it a lot. I'm worried. So. Hopefully I can be here for him a bit better. Y'know, because I'll actually be here physically. I don't like when he doesn't feel good.
Ehhhhhhhhuufjnijnnajkfnkfnefmfwkfninfijnvewfojlfdnlnflwfnlwfjwlflwljjfjfjfjwifheighhyhguygfayuhfwsjlgkfmwnkjawnfj. Old habits die hard. I miss it. And, that's so bad, because I hate it. I hate it more than anything. But I don't really know what I am without it. Has it seriously gotten so bad that I can't see myself as anything other than a sex object? LOL. Okay. I can't stand it. I'm sorry. I'm so upset right now and I don't know why. Everything always hurts. Some days it hurts less but those days are few and far between. It hurts. Really bad. I usually sleep on my side because it. hurts. I don't want to be anything. Things are better now and I still feel like I'm always on the verge of killing myself. It wouldn't be the first time I have. Haha. Get it? Have I already made that joke? I don't remember. I need him to pick me apart and kill me. I'd let him. He could do whatever he wants to me and I'd let him. I'll never back out. I promise.
hey. do you remember when. uh. when we first met? i was...i don't know. 16, i think. a year before i met rantaro.? i had brown hair. it was short and messy 'cos i never took care of it. who did i introduce myself as? uhh...it was an english name. wren? wren, i forget the surname. last name. wren lastname. haha. i don't know. where did we meet? i was on the ground. you thought i was dead. you poked and poked until i moved. and then you got scared and screamed as if you weren't the one poking me like a bug. i said...uh...i told you to calm down. i was panicking because i didn't want you to draw any attention to me. why was i on the ground? i don't remember. i think i had taken something really bad. and curled up on the grass. i was out of it when we talked. and i think you noticed. later on, you told me you initially assumed i was some sort of druggie. i guess i kind of was. i just took what people gave me. i didn't know anything about that stuff. all i knew was that people liked me more when i did what they told me to. i don't know why you stayed and spoke with me. i never really understood you at all, now that i think about it. you were so strange. i liked it. sometimes, i thought you were. some sort of angel. pretending to be human. i don't know why. you seemed like you fell from heaven. not flirtatiously. like, literally. i think i was kind of delusional around that time. considering everything i was indulging in. you kept finding me after that first time. on purpose, you told me. you looked for me because you liked me. really? really? would you still look for me? sorry. i know you couldn't. you. showed me some of the stuff you painted. and it was all gorgeous. i was so blown away. you were getting into sculpting at the time, too. i watched you work, sometimes. and you made me your muse once. i was so embarrassed. but i let you paint me anyways. i think you made me look a lot prettier than i actually was. i didn't understand how you constantly created so much yet still had the time to go out and look for me. your parents travelled a lot. i remember you telling me that when i asked where they were. you said...that they weren't always gone. but they were most of the time. you'd always look for me when you got out of school. you asked me why i was never in school and i made up some lie about being homeschooled. you asked about my parents and i always said they were busy people who worked a lot. you asked if you could come over and i said the house was a mess every single time. i lied to you a lot. i don't think i was that believable. you just didn't feel like pushing. we'd hang out during the day, and then i'd stay out at night and let myself get ruined. rinse and repeat. and then i left. i didn't tell you anything. i was so mean.
I miss Info-kun. It's like. I saw him once. And he gave me all this shit that smells like him. and now I. Can't stop thinking about him. Uuughh. Curse you. Curse you and your stupid glasses. Whatever. Two lovely guys in my life and I can't help but wonder what I've done to deserve this. Er, well. I guess "lovely" isn't the best word for Infomami. But you get the picture. He's. so interesting. Sometimes it feels like I'm trying to figure him out more than he is with me. It's so embarrassing. I want to get to the core of who he is. I want to know everything about him. I want to cut him open and see what's inside. Sometimes he says things. that make me think he really does like me to some extent. And...I don't know. God, I want to tear him apart. I really do.