3-ish in the afternoon - Made this website today. Carrying a diary around is kind of embarrassing. So I guess a website literally anyone can stumble upon is better. LOL. I don't know. I got lunch today. Ate at this real tiny place, I think it was family owned. I didn't get anything big, 'cos I only had $25 to spare...T_T I will get my money up one day. Went on a walk after I ate. All I do is walk. My sunburn is healing up nicely, without a doubt thanks to the help of a friend. She was very kind and treated it for me. Hahha. I would be nowhere without other people. I've found myself growing more attached to people lately. It's bad, so, so, so bad. I'm so attached. I don't know what I'll do when I don't have him. I can't have him forever. I can't. I dug my grave and I'll have to lie in it for the rest of my life. Ahahhh. Anyways. I'm supposed to be in Maimi soon, for a friend. Don't know how I'll get there. Guess I have to hitch a ride. I hate getting into strangers' cars. I don't trust anyone. It sucks that my entire life kind of revolves around making myself incredibly vulnerable to people I don't know. Whatever. I'm hungry. I'll probably update again tonight. Or not. Depends on where I'm at.
6:13 PM - I want ... Dr. Pepper. I have a really bad headache right now. I want to nap. I want to watch TV. I want to drive a car. I want to cook in my own kitchen. I want to be my own person. I want to see my. Family? again. I want to be alive.
10:17 PM I'm alive. I am. There's this song that's been stuck in my head all day. Powerful Man by Alex G. I like it a lot. I don't have anything interesting to say about it. I just enjoy it. I really like that whole album. It's one of my favorites from him. I wish I had a better memory. Really wish. I hate how poor it is. I guess it's kind of my fault. I think my brain blocks out a lot of stuff from previous years 'cos there's a lot of stuff that happened to me that I never wanted to happen to me. But. None of that would've happened if I wasn't so ... stupid. And careless. I wish I remembered more of him. When we were both younger. He was all I really had. I miss him. I just want to hug him again. He's not dead. I knew he wasn't. I tried to tell everyone that he wasn't. But they'd never listen...err, well, she did. She was the only other person who really cared about me, I think. She believed me. I miss her a lot. I miss so much. Haha. There's so much that I'll never be able to get back.
1:18 AM - Dear diary. The guy I'm into got...sickled? by his roommate? So I have to help him I guess. I. ??? Who the fuck just HAS a sickle on hand??? Why would you cut someone open with a SICKLE? Why not a knife??? Or something??? Not like you should be cutting anyone open. I'm just a little confused. Anyways, writing this as I sort-of-kind-of powerwalk to his house. Bye.
12:37 PM - Good morning. I love you.
2:12 PM - Good afternoon. I love you. I wish you were here. I want to go out to eat with you. I was thinking about it. I saw something that reminded me of those crayons they give out to kids at restaurants. Made me think about how we never really went out to eat together. You were always so busy, and money was so tight, it just didn't work out. Not to mention that there wasn't a lot of good places to eat around where we lived. I don't know why I remember that. I wish you were here so I could get food with you. I want to make money so you wouldn't have to worry about paying for everything for once in your life. I would pay for both of our meals, and I'd say, "Well, it's only fair, 'cos you busted your ass for me when I was a kid!" and you'd. You'd say something. I don't know what you'd say. I don't know at all. I barely remember you. I hate that. I can't imagine you properly in my head because I just don't know what you'd do. Or how you'd act. I can't remember your face exactly so the features always look wrong. I try to draw you and I can't. I could never forget you. But. I can barely remember you. Hahhh. My brain is so evil. It'll probably be easier when. I see you again. When I see you maybe everything will come flooding back to me and I'll never have to worry about forgetting anything ever again. Whatever.
5:09 PM - tired. i want him more than anything. am i really on your mind? you said i am. i'd like to be.
7:39 PM - Regarding my last entry from yesterday, the guy I'm into is fine. I've tried my best to patch him up....but. I am no doctor. And he'd probably be pissed if I brought him to an actual doctor. So this is what he has to deal with for now. LOL. Maybe don't piss your roomie off so she won't sickle you. Anyways. I missed seeing him. Hoping he wakes up soon. Me and Kage are planning to do something together sometime soon. I've got, like, no money, but I'm gonna try and. work. Really hard. So I can get at least a bit to spend on him. I'd feel bad making him pay for all of it. I'm not a leech. He's such a sweet guy. I really enjoy talking to him.
9:07 PM - I'm not addicted to smoking. I haven't smoked in a while. Haven't had the money to. But I think about it sometimes, and I get really twitchy. God I want a cigarette
1:00 AM - I pull at my hair when I'm upset. Sometimes I hit myself. Bad habit. I remember (wow, Saihara, that's a first!) when I. slept with this guy. I got so upset. I don't know why. But I was so upset. and I locked myself in his bathroom for hours after he passed out. And I just. kept hitting myself. and pulling hair out. I left his house before he ever woke up. I had bruises all over, that I had given myself, and it was really nauseating to look at along with the marks he left on me. Haha. I'm surprised all the noise I made didn't startle him awake or something. Sometimes. I try to remember things, and it makes me feel really sick, and really panicked.
2:54 AM - I talked to Kage and now I feel a little less upset. Not like I vented to him or anything. We just talked. And it was nice. And I was happy. I try not to make friends because my whole situation is so unstable. But I like when I do make friends. I think I need to try and stick around again. Haaha. Goodnight. Actually. Before I go to bed. You said I look like our mom. Does that make me mean for thinking I'm undesirable? I never really knew her. I don't remember her. I'm sure she was a very pretty lady. I just don't think the same applies to me. I know you won't answer. You don't have time to read this. Haha. Busy man. So busy. Busy with things I barely understand. All of my problems seem so meaningless when I look at what you're going through. It's like...a bad day, versus hell on earth. I'm so ungrateful.
11:15 AM - Good morning. When I was 15 I tried overdosing with pills that I stole. At some point, I fell asleep, or maybe passed out, I don't remember. I woke up exactly where I was before I lost consciousness. Nobody had moved me, or called anyone for help. I mean. Really, why would they? I think I just looked like a homeless guy taking a nap. I guess I hadn't taken enough of whatever-the-fuck I stole to actually kill me, so I just slept really hard. It was kind of embarrassing. My head was so foggy after I woke up. It took me a few hours to really feel like I could think...and when the time came, all I found myself thinking of was how disappointed he'd probably be in me if he knew what I had just done. Or, really, what I had been doing for the past few years. I cried over it in a 24-hour gas station's bathroom and then went on with my night like I never attempted in the first place. I met my Rantaro a few years later. Sometimes I can't help but wish I stayed with him forever. Maybe I could've told him the truth. Maybe we could've fixed our lives together. Maybe I'd help him mend his relationship with his parents and see his sisters again. Maybe we'd quit smoking together. We used to swap jackets for fun. He said he liked how comfortable mine was. I liked how warm his kept me. It smelled like him. Smells are a really comforting thing. Kind of. Sometimes I'll smell something that reminds me of him, and I'll feel such an overwhelming sadness, because I know that he's not actually there. He never will be there. Just like everyone else I've left behind. Kaede will never be there. Ouma will never be there. Sorry. I said I wouldn't say his name. You'll never be there. Or, it feels that way, at least. You say you will one day. I need to be more hopeful. It's just. Hard. Sometimes. I've been writing for a full hour now. It takes a lot of effort and time for me to try and recall memories, haha. 12:15 PM.
You know. The two of them are so drastically different. He's nothing like my Rantaro. They're basically comepletely different people. I like that. My Rantaro would never dream of doing the shit he does. I think it's because. Infomami is kind of a Rantaro in the same way I'm a Shuichi. Though, maybe I'm a little less real than he is. I'm a total fake. I don't look like this naturally. Haha. I like...that he's different, though. I do. I do. I do. It's nice to know I'm not the only one here who's lying about their name. There's really no point in hiding the fact that I'm lying, I think, not anymore. Everyone seems to have a vague understanding of what I'm doing. Despite this, they still know nothing about who I really am! Waha. This entire blog could be full of lies and they'd have no clue. It's not, but. still. It could be. Ggaghahaaghfujhjmefvhebvenve. Anyways. My Rantaro was a very sad man. And quite gentle! Infomami is completely different from him, in the way he speaks, his mannerisms, how he behaves, the things the does, all of it. They're two different people with functionally no similarities besides appearances. And, I guess, names, if you ignore the fact that Rantaro Amami isn't Infomami's real name. I still don't know why I'm writing this, actually. When I had Info's blood on my hands I found myself wondering if he was the same type as my Rantaro. I don't even know my Rantaro's blood type. Weird thoughts. Take a shot for every single time I've said any variation of "Rantaro Amami" in this entry.
4:07 PM - Hi. I thought about Kaede again. I tried drawing her. I think I did okay. I wish I really remembered her face. She was so nice. I was totally in love with her when I was a kid. She was a lot more introverted than most of the other Kaedes I've seen. Very quiet. I was quiet too. I liked being quiet with her. She lived with her mom, never knew where her dad was. She had piano lessons on the weekends. She was on the school's soccer team. She had really good grades. Everybody liked her. I remember wondering why, out of all people, she had a crush on me. Still don't know why. It was fun while it lasted. Then I had to make some bullshit excuse up as to why I needed to break up with her. Because I had to leave. All I know how to do is leave. I hope she's doing well. She was the only person I've ever dated.
4:22 PM - Every single time you tell me it'll be a while before we can see each other, I, for some reason, get just as upset as when you first told me. Envision being stabbed in the chest and the stomach repeatedly. That's what it feels like.
4:48 PM - Does anyone actually read this? I don't know. Who cares. For once, I'd like to be touched by someone who loves me. I dread nighttime because it's always the same thing. Of course, I chose this for myself. I have nobody to blame. Except for myself.
I need to do something. For someone. When I take Kage out it WILL...be fun. I want to have fun with him. I'm really excited. Embarrassingly so. If I can find a carnival, we'll go to one. And I'll win him something because I'm just that good. I'll try to. And then we can get something to eat. And do whatever else. I never went to the aquarium that you gave me money for. I forgot. I kept the money in my bag and completely forgot about it. I found it earlier today. Might use it for me and Kage. Along with the money I've made.
God. I want to see you again. I'm sorry I'm so impatient. I don't deserve you. I never did. I miss you. I need you in my life. Look at how I turned out after a decade without you. I'm terrible. I can't do anything without you. I miss you. I don't know how to wait, not now that I know you're alive. I'm sorry. I'm sorry. I'm sorry. Aha.
10:59 PM - Got sent to twitter hell. Lame.
11:26 PM - I don't like moths. They scare me. It's stupid. It shouldn't make me so panicked. I don't know why it does. And they. they always fly towards me and they don't stay away and i dont want them to land on me and touch me and i am afraid
am i really not human? haha
3:14 AM - oh my god im a faggot
1:43 PM - Hi. I'm not sure if you actually read this last night. If you did, that's, like. Like really embarrassing and I think I have to kill myself. But it's fine. I bought gum. Tropical twist. Nnggghhh. My favorite. I love gum. I love having ssomething in my mouth to focus on. It's the #BEST. Can I be honest? Thanks. My mind continuously wanders back to Infomami whenever I do anything. At all. Maybe it's because he chipped my underwear so he knows where I'm at like. Whenever. But. I think it's more than that. AND THAT'S SUPER LAME. I AM A USELESS FAGGOT. Ougghhh. I'm sorry. I know you really, really, really don't like him. But I CAN'T HELP IT!!!! I find myself growing increasingly frustrated by how little I know about him! The tables!!! Have turned!!!!!! I want to know more about him! And! See his face! Fuckkkkkkk. Ghfhyuerjfknehjbghebjhenfjnkjanknknejkernjnvwjien. I'm SORRY. And I hope you can find it in your heart to forgive me if I ever do pursue him. I'M SORRY!!!!
3:07 PM - Ouma. I miss him. My Ouma. I think you and him could've gotten along. He wasn't bad. Not at all. He was. Good. He was so good. Haha.
I hope Kage is alright today. Miss him a bit.
3:56 PM - i cant find my knife
Infomami is always getting in some new shit. The Catholic man shot him twice. One bullet for each leg. And now I have to go to Hope's Peak Academy with Normal Komaeda (not in the sense that he's a normal guy. Normal like that's his name. His name is Normal Komaeda. He's the normal one) and I guess. try and diffuse the situation before Infomami bleeds out and dies. FML
I guess Normal Komaeda isn't going with me? IDK. He's letting me borrow his gun. I miss being a kid. All this shit is too much work. i want my brother
I'm pissed off. Like, seriously pissed off. The fuck do you mean he's gonna BURN THE OFFICE DOWN? Never trust a Komaeda with shit. They'll always, and I mean ALWAYS, pull something. My God. I don't like it when people hurt him. That's so stupid, because he definitely - probably ? deserves it. But I really don't like it. God, I'm mad. I do need to rethink my taste in men because I seriously shouldn't be waiting outside HPA with a loaded pistol over some guy and his stupid files. I hate my life. I hate my life. I hate my life. No one is forcing me to do this and I'm doing it anyways. I'm a USELESS FAGGOT. OH MY GOD.
12:58 AM - Kage. Kage Kage Kage. I really miss him. Kagehara, I think you read this. I think that's what you meant when you said you check every hour. Hi. I hope you do or else this is kind of in vain. I guess it's not, though, there's nothing wrong with writing how I feel. I just. Would prefer if you saw it. I care about you a lot. You're such a lovely guy. I want to spend time with you. I'm sorry it's taking so long. I really didn't anticipate all of this shit happening after I plan to take you out somewhere. I'm sorry. I feel so bad. Haha. I adore you. I really do. I love when we talk. I try to reach out. I read what you write. Hopefully that's not creepy. I just like to see what's on your mind. I haven't let myself have a friend in a while. So it's nice to have you. I don't like to think about you dying. Haha. But it is inevitable, I guess. We'll all die. One day. But I get really sad when I think about your death. Don't die. We'll have a lot of fun when we go out. I promise! I'll make it so fun. And we can do whatever you want. Ehe. I'm really trying. I want...to give you a really big hug. When we see each other. Which. Will be soon. I promise. I pinky promise. You can't see it, but I'm holding my pinky up.
6:22 PM - Haven't written all day. Sorry. I'm out of it. Do you ever feel, like. Like, really, really, really dissatisfied with yourself? Not one specific part of you. Every single bit. Do you?
8:49 PM - I wonder what life would've been like if I was able to be a normal kid. I think I've had to do a lot of stuff that a child never should have to do. Obviously, I'm not a child anymore. I'm grown, so it's okay now. But. I still think about it. I wish I could've kept going to school. I wish I could live comfortably. I wish I was still alive.
9:43 PM - honestly. it gets hard to keep going. no, i don't plan on killing myself. no, i won't leave again. but. it's so hard. i find very little value in living. would you still like me if you knew how far removed i actually am from who i say i am? shuichi isn't real. none of it is. i don't think the way i behave is real, either. it's all made up. i feel bad for lying. then again, it's kind of obvious, isn't it? i don't really try anymore. i'm getting sloppyyyyy. haha. jokes. joking. i jest. i wouldn't tell you a thing, even if you begged. i don't know why i'm thinking about that. you know, i was a really mean kid. i don't know how i made any money with that attitude. i was such a conniving little cunt. or, well, i guess that explains it. i stole a lot. way too much. that's why i try not to anymore. lol. i'd rather not go to jail. i almost got arrested a few times, actually. for different things. i really don't think i'm a good person. i was always the meaner one when it was just me and rantaro. i was the unwelcoming one. i was the one people didn't like. me and him went everywhere together. always a pair. until i ditched him. that's. so fucking mean. haha. i'm such an asshole. i left him when he had nothing, and now i have the audacity to miss him? oh my god. i'm actually terrible. i lied to kaede and ditched her, too. ha. ha. when i had to leave ouma, it was a little less bad. he knew everything. i was honest with him. he understood. he knew i had to go. and he said he'd be alright. i'm a bad person. i know i am. all i do is use people for months at a time before i have to leave for some unexplainable reason. i don't want anyone to feel bad for me, ever, because i simply have not done anything to warrant a person's pity or sympathy. everything wrong in my life can most certainly be linked back to choices i made. not anyone else. it's all me. i have done everything to myself, and all i do is mope about it. i think i like feeling bad. it's familair and easy. i'm comfortable with being uncomfortable because that's all i've been for the last decade of my life. it's pathetic. there's so much i'll probably never get to have. i'll never get married. i'll never date again, i think, if i keep following the pattern i always do. i'll never drive. i'll never have a prom. i'll never get my dream job - for the record, i don't have a dream job, so i couldn't care less about that. i'll never graduate. so much. there is genuinely nothing for me. nothing besides what i do everyday. i guess i could sell myself in different ways. i could start selling my organs. i could pluck my eyes out and give them out on a first-come-first-serve basis. i could cut my limbs off and offer them up to cannibals or something. i've never done any of that. so. I GUESS. THERE'S SOMETHING. LOL. i want to kill myself. god. i seriously hate my life and everyone in it. every person i meet is comepletely and utterly vile. i'm sick of it. they're all sickening. i hate them. i hate. them. i hate them. i hate them. i hate them. i hate them. everything they do is disgusting and i hate it. i hate what they do. i hate. them. i hate it all. ahhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh. ahhh. AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! I'M A TERRIBLE PERSON!
Sorry. I don't hate everyone. I hate most people. Not everyone. I like Kage a lot. I like Info-kun, sometimes. Haha. Zaima is nice. Normal Komaeda is nice. Kurisu is nice. My Rantaro was nice. My Ouma was nice. My Kaede was nice. There's a lot of good people in the world. I'm too mean. It'll be easier if I get drunk. But I don't have the money for that. Lol. Well, I do. But I'm saving for Kage. We're going out soon.
I'd like to be held gently one day. I am not entirely averse to physical contact - nay! I crave it! I just wish I recieved it entirely different from how I always do. I hate the way they look at me and the way they touch me. Honestly, I don't understand why someone would want to touch me gently nowadays. There's nothing to get out of it, and I certainly don't deserve it. But, perhaps selfishly, I long for it anyways. My mind wanders sometimes, and I think of him, being gentle, with,,, me! And it's incredibly foolish. I know. But I can't help it. I want too much from someone who I consider a friend. I'm tired. But I can't sleep. It's best to find people late at night. Haha. That makes me sound like the creep. Haha. Haha. Haha. Haha. Haha.
1:19 AM - Suicide postponed!
1:32 PM - I love you more than anything. I got in a stranger's car today. We passed an Arby's. Then they dropped me off somewhere I've never been before. The world is a really scary place.
6:34 PM - I guess nothing is stopping me from taking a nap on wet grass. But I'd get really agitated and probably cry if my clothes got wet. I hate wet clothes. I'm in a better mood than I was yesterday. Just....SO TIRED! I'm suffering from crazy brain fog, I think. It's all good, though. I'm okay. I'm great. I'm happy. I see Kage tomorrow. I'm excited! So excited!!! Ahhhhh! He's too good to me. Really. I don't think I deserve him. But I'm happy I have him. There was a restaurant near where I was dropped off that sold these trays of food for like, dirt cheap. So I ate. I might die. But I'll probably be fine. I still haven't found my knife, so I'm willing to bet I've lost it for good. I'll have to buy another one when I can. It's really sad...I loved my knife like a boy loves a girl. Or whatever. Whenever I couldn't open things...it whispered to me like a lover..."Shuichi...use me...use me...I'll help you..." and I'd say IF YOU INSIST!!! Though I tried not to whip it out around people 'cos seeing a homeless guy with a knife tends to put people off. I won't stab you! I promise! I guess I was due for a new knife, anyways. Or, a new blade, at least. I had my old one for years. It's a bit. Yuck! now. Haha. It's okay. I'm okay. I'm fine without it.
6:55 PM - I'd like to get a milkshake one day. I've been craving one. Nggghh
7:19 PM - What's that one book called? "Do Androids Dream of Electric Sheep?" I think. I've never read it, but the title has me thinking. It would be really cute if...computers, when you turn them off, do dream of electric sheep! Counting and counting until you wake them up again. That's so cute. I think the book itself is pretty dystopian? From what I've read about it...so my interpretation of the title is probably terribly far removed from the actual contents of the book. I don't read much. I'd like to, I just don't really have the time. I'm not a very smart person, all things considered. I stopped going to school in, what, 6th grade? 7th? I don't remember. My whole life has basically been me pretending to be a way smarter person than I am. Probably the least attractive thing about me. I'm awfully stupid. Most of what I know is stuff that I had to teach myself.
^ I'm not moping about being stupid, by the way. I'm in a very good mood. I was just thinking about it.
Me and Kage are going to have a sleepover! Tomorrow. Haha. Typing that out makes me feel like a kid. I'm excited. I. Trust him a lot. Honestly, I think part of what I look forward to most when I wake up is being able to talk to him. Embarrassing to admit.
I wish I could talk to Infomami more. But I think he wants his space. I don't blame him. He lost everything. I'd be upset too.
7:35 PM - I love you. "You" as a sort of umbrella term for whoever may be reading this. Or, maybe I'm talking about one specific person. You'll never know. #MYSTERYMAXXING...>_>
1:30 AM - I'm so tired. I . want. so much. Ahhhhhh. I want to nap in your bed.
I was mostly messing with you when I talked about how badly I miss Info-kun. But I really do miss him. God. I was fine until I actually started thinking about it. I want
2:13 AM - are you reading this? hi. i'm excited.
maybe i'm a little hopeful in thinking you're responding indirectly. haha. i'm so stupid! i seriously need to get off now. work. ugh.
10:44 AM - Good morning. It's Kagehara day!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! Ahaah. I'm so excited to see him. Seriously so excited. Happy. He has work to do ... before I can come over. That's okay. Working man! Hehe. Ahhhhhhhhhhhhhh. I'm full of so much joy I seriously can't take it. Kage day...God. I like typing his name out. I say it so much, have you noticed? That's so weird. I am weird. I should cut that out.
2:28 PM - I do not suck at flirting, fuck you.
1:13 AM - Better luck next time! I had a good day with Kage. And. I'm tired now. Sooo tired. He has a relaxing sort of presence about him. Aha. Don't tell him I said that! Or do. I jest. He's so sweet. I want to see him more. And more. Ahhhhhhh!!!!!!!11!!!111!!!!!!!!!1!!!!!!
If you're reading this, whenever you check my blog - I really, really, really, really. Want you to know how much I appreciate you. Haha. I adore you. I hope it's obvious! I don't take much joy in being subtle.
12:24 PM - I love you so much that I want to be honest with you. Of course, I won't. But I want to. I don't really understand the whole scope of what I'm feeling when I say I love you. I just know that. I love you. You as a concept and as a reader, and you, as whoever I have in mind when I write this. I love you. I've loved everyone I've ever met. In many different ways. I don't know what I'd do if I really, truly hated everyone. I think I'd kill myself. What is there to live for if not other people? Since there's so little left of me, it's kind of all I have. I think I slept funny, my lower back hurts. Are malls still a thing, like, really? I read in an article that they're kind of dying out. We didn't have any malls around where I grew up. Kaede always wanted to go to one, because she'd see people in the TV shows she watched go with their friends, and it always looked so fun to her. I thought so too! I never really watched the stuff she did unless I happened to be over at her house when the TV was on. You know, girl stuff. Not meant for a rough and tough boy like me! Lol. I'm kidding. I just didn't like sitcoms much. I always preferred documentaries, over anything. I liked them a lot. Animal ones, mostly, but sometimes I'd even watch those like, factory documentaries. You know? The ones that showed the process of how stuff was made. And, other times, when he wasn't home, I'd put on...TRUE CRIME DOCUMENTARIES!!! Ahh! Only when he wasn't home. Which was, luckily, most of the time, because I knew he probably wouldn't want me watching that stuff. It was just so interesting to me.
I was thinking about stuff me and Kage could do one day. Going to a mall would be fun, but we don't have the money to do much there, I think. We could have a picnic. We talked about that one. I'd like to. Maybe we could...do something seasonal? Uhh. Like fruit picking? I like fruit. I don't know what fruit we'd be picking. Maybe peaches, or apples. Are those summer fruits? I think peaches are. Apples are...all year-round, I'm pretty sure. I like peaches.
I'm happy this morning, thanks to Kage, probably. I know Infomami is in a wheelchair, but don't tell him! I mean, it's kind of obvious, as I'm not sure how he'd get around otherwise. I don't think he likes having to be in one, though. It's okay. I still think he's cool and admirable. Even when wheelchair bound! Don't tell him I said that either. That's gay.
3:37 PM - So sleepy. Ahhhhhhhh. My Everything hurts again. I'd benefit from a full body massage, probably. But the thought of that makes me nauseous. No massages for me. I can. Haha. I can feel my eyes closing. As I type this. I'm not sure why I'm so tired. I don't usually nod off this much. Maybe my body has finally had enough. LOL. I'll be alright.
Me and Rantaro used to sleep together. Like, literally. We'd find a place to crash together and we'd sleep. And he'd let me lay on him. I think it helped him, 'cos he said he used to get really anxious at night, but when I was with him, and, when I was on him, it was a lot easier to fall asleep. I just liked being near him. It was nice. To spend the night with someone I trusted so much. Sometimes he'd fall asleep before me and I'd watch him. Sleep. That's creepy, but. I don't know. I liked to study his face. He had really nice eyelashes. Very handsome man.
6:14 PM - so i did end up passing out i think. but i'm alright
12:07 - Hey, hey. Are you reading this? Still? I like you a lot. Let's cook together one day. The plan is already in motion.......deep fried sesame balls...I DON'T KNOW HOW TO MAKE THOSE. BUT I'LL LEARN. Sorry for not updating much in the past few hours. I've been kind of busy doing fuck all. I'm hungry again. And thirsty. I miss smoking. Ahhhhh!!!! It's okay, though. It's all good. I kind of want something sweet. I don't like many sweet things. But right now I'm really craving...something...like.......chocolate? Maybe. Chocolate cake. Drooling emoji. That's what You do. You type out emojis instead of actually using them. Haha! It's so cute. I love when you do that! Ahhhhhhhhh!!!!!!
I'm not wearing my jacket. I feel kind of naked without it. Like, more naked than actually being naked. I'm just. so sweaty. Oh my god. Maybe I have a fever or something. I hope I don't. Fuuuuucccckkkkkkkk.
1:22 AM - Sorry. I can't stop thinking about you. Are you sneezing more than usual? LOL. It's...because I keep writing about you!!! I'm sorryyyy! I jest. I'm not superstitious. But that would be kind of funny.
3:23 AM - I'm so tired. But I can't really sleep. My eyes are heavy 'cos I took that medicine he got me. It's supposed to knock you out. I don't know why I'm not sleeping yet. I'm so hot. Ahhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh. I want to sleep in your bed.
12:17 PM - I am definitely sick. But, I took medicine. I'll be fine. I'll probably find a place to nap. Or something. I'm not that sleepy anymore, but I should rest anyways, I think...IDK. I'll do something. I'm hungry. I worry about Kage, sometimes. I think about him a lot. My friend.
I still miss smoking. Uuuuuuuuuhhhgh. Can I confess something? I feel. really guilty about it. I think, when I was younger, when we had first met, I was the reason he got kind of dependent on cigarettes. I offered him one. And then another. And other. And soon he was buying them for himself. I didn't even realize it at the time. But we sort of got worse, together. I feel bad about that. Very, very bad. I think...he's probably better off without me. I wasn't that good for him. Even if I loved him.
1:25 PM - Got sent to twitter hell. Again. Can't post. Sorry, I could if I would. I know everyone misses my insightful words.
3:07 PM - Still can't post. Sorry. I'm so tired. Aaahhh. I want...to...hold someone. Or something. I miss having stuffed animals.
10:44 PM - I've been many different people. Despite this, I am the closest anyone would ever get to a "real" Shuichi Saihara in my world. I am him as much as he is real. I am everyone I have ever claimed to be. And I am me.
12:02 AM - I want to come over again. I don't know how to ask. I feel kind of silly. It's so soon and I already want to come back. I'm still sick, so I probably shouldn't. Lest I get you sick. Ahh. I need to do something and I want to do nothing. People keep talking to me and none of it means anything. It's all incomprehensible garbage that they're spewing at me. All of it. None of you make any sense and I don't like it when you look at me. Stay away, thank you kindly. Apparently that Homeless Komaeda saw me a bit ago. I don't think I noticed him. How in the world did he manage to win over a girl like Tsumiki? That's mind boggling. Seriously. I don't mean that offensively, you know. That'd be like throwing stones in a glass house. I just don't get it at all. Not like it matters or anything. None of that does. How drunk were you last night? Trick question. You weren't? Hey. I never read the bible and I don't think I ever will. Sometimes these people approach me at night, and they tell me that it's not too late to be saved. When I was 18 I stood outside of a church for a few hours after midnight. And I don't remember what I thought or how I felt. I never do. Honestly, honestly, can I be honest? With you? Only you. There's nobody else here, anyways. I promise. Can I be honest? I never really remember how I felt. Everything is always a blur. Sometimes I get these moments of clarity where I remember certain things or events, but I never know how I felt. And so it's always devoid of any feeling. It's such a distant recollection of something that once happened, and I feel completely separated from what's happening in it - even though I'm right there. It's my memory, that I'm part of, yet I feel so far from it. I think you're beautiful. I'll never say it. I love you as much as I did yesterday. I once got into a fight with an older man over something I can't remember. He got my blood all on his clothes. I didn't try and fight back. I wonder, did he wash his clothes? Or just throw them out? Did my blood dirty them so much that they weren't worth trying to save? Come here. Come closer. I'm so warm, do you feel it too? Can you feel my breath? Does my hair tickle? Haha. I don't know what I'm talking about. I'm not there at all. I'm getting totally eaten up by mosquitoes right now. I can feel them. I think. Sometimes when I'm really tired, my brain plays tricks on me and makes me think there's lots of tiny bugs on me. That might be what's happening. I could be good. I'm not, but I could be. If you wanted me to be. I'm at a park right now. Not a playground. A regular park. I'm sitting against a tree. And I keep getting really cold, and then really hot. Unpleasant. I need to brush my hair. I've been writing for half an hour.
1:28 AM - I am so tired. Did you really read all of that? Haha. Wow. I think I'm going to try and sleep now. I'll talk to you tomorrow.
12:10 PM - I asked Kage if I could come over again. He said yes. He's not home right now. He gets his stitches taken out today, doesn't he? I think so. He wrote about it. I hope it goes well for him. I...am on my way. To his house. Now! Haha. I guess I'll take a nap or something. Until he comes back. I feel so bad. I'm a total freeloader. But, I missed him. And I'm sick. And I'm tired. And he's so nice to me. Ahhhh. I am so grateful for him. I don't deserve him at all. Kage house. House emoji.
I want to get tacos one day. Sounds so good right now. Ouuugghhhghhhgh. I love tacos. I've been thinking about changing my hair up. I'd have to DIY it since I don't have barber shop money...LOL...I never do. I've always done my hair myself. That's why it looks so bad. Except for that one time recently when I was able to get a guy to cut my hair for (mostly) free. That was cool. I only got a trim.
5:18 PM - Feelings would complicate this
6:47 PM - Being sick with a friend is a lot better than being sick all alone. Haha. I'm so happy. Let's hope Kage doesn't catch what I have...uuuuheeejhhghrefj. I'd feel so bad!
I've been thinking about JEFF THE KILLER lately. Ouuuugghh. Jeff. Take me away from all of this. Save me, Jeff! I jest. He would probably kill me to death.
7:55 PM - I'm so hot. Sweaty. Oh my god. Ack. It's fine. I spend a lot of my time trying not to think about the stuff I know I'll have to think about eventually. Or the stuff that I'll have to do eventually. Everything is always a necessity...ugghh. "have to" this, "have to" that. Ughhghguhuhguehguhengjeinejnvtgjegengengjkwngjwngjenjengjkengkejgnjeknkejnkjnwenfjgneinweojojgogowegoegienijendjnqwnfijfjjffalfjalwfwojflwrfjfjakejwkfwkfwjfiawifwniwbiqniqwiuenfiqniwniqjx.....hjkk,. ghh. I don't remember what my mom looked like. Which, makes sense, I guess. Did she die while giving birth to me? Or after? I forget what he told me. Ehhe. I don't know. I guess I can't hate my parents too much if they're dead. I liked Kaede 'cos she only had a mom. So we could like, semi-relate on having an absent father. It just so happened that I also had an absent mother. And that my parents weren't really absent, they were just dead. Not like I knew at the time. I spent so much time with her. Never invited her over to the house because it was always a mess, even before he went missing. He was so busy, so it was only really tidy on days he was off, or days he got off a little early. I did a lot that I don't think he was aware of when he wasn't home. I was a bad kid!!!!!!!!! Well. It's not like I did drugs or anything. I just did other stuff that I wasn't supposed to. I don't really remember how I used to act. I've spent so long being a different person that I can't tell what part of my personality is real or fabricated. That sounds so edgy. Blehhh. I am nothing if not an edgelord at heart. Yuck! Ummm. I had a weird dream last night. I don't remember what it was. I just know it felt so real, and I woke up all anxious and alert. Odd. Most of my clothes are in the wash. Kage is so generous. Ahhh.
I think he's asleep right now, actually. I've already slept for the day. Couldn't fall back asleep even if I wanted to. Guess that's why I'm writing. I kind of miss our old house, me and //////'s. It was a total mess when I left it. My fault. I should've cleaned it, but I was focused on other things. I remember...the day I made my mind up, I was looking through his closet. All of his clothes had little holes in them from the moths. We always had a moth problem, especially during summer, and...when he was around, there was something he did to keep them out of our closets, but I just couldn't remember what. I couldn't stop the moths from tearing into his clothes. From ruining them. From taking him away from me. I was so useless! I think I cried over it. I remember telling myself, "he'll be so mad once he comes home and sees how bad I've let things get," but then I realized. He wasn't coming back. I had evaded the..."system"...ehhhhh... for long enough by telling everyone that he'd be back soon, and that he wasn't really missing, or dead. But my teachers were getting worried, and my neighbors were too. I started causing problems in school, I was mean, I'd have outbursts, I picked fights - it was only a matter of time before they called someone, I think. And so, I realized that. I had to do something. Really, what I ended up doing wasn't my first choice at all. It definitely wasn't the easiest one, either. I don't know why I picked it. Stupid kids make stupid decisions, I guess. I always have a hard time recalling exactly what led up to my choice, and exactly what came after. IDK. I can never remember anything. LOL. I guess that's another reason why this blog is helpful. I can log what little I do remember, so I'll never forget it again!
9:51 PM - You can sit next to me. You can do absolutely anything you want. Hehe. You're my friend and I trust you. Let's watch TV together. I don't mind if you fall back asleep.
3:14 AM - Woke up. I don't know when I fell asleep, actually. Uuu. Kage is asleep...on the floor. ? Haha. When did he get there? I feel bad. It's his house. I've thought about moving him, but...I'd rather not wake him! And. Maybe he? Wants to sleep on the floor? I'm not sure. He looks peaceful. I hope his back won't hurt too much when he wakes up. Lol. I went to bed a lot earlier than I usually do, I think. Not sure exactly when I fell asleep but it must've been a few hours ago. I guess he's just that calming. Hahh. I think I'm going to go back to sleep. My eyes are heavy.
9:54 AM - Ouuhg. So sleepy. Good morning. I guess Kage woke up at some point before me. My clothes are by the couch. Hehe. He's so nice. I guess I should wake him...but I'm so tired. And he looks comfy. Mmmmmmmmmm. Oh well. We can ? fall asleep another time. I'll wake him up in a few. He could've slept with me on the couch if he wanted to. I don't take up that much space! Haha. I feel happy. Huh.
1:44 PM - Kage got bagels. Yummy. It's been nice staying at his house. I don't...know? If I'm going to leave today. Or. Stay longer. I'm not sure. Maybe I should ask what he's okay with. I should probably take a shower. He said he was alright with me using his stuff, but...I feel bad!!!!!! I have my own bathing stuff. Loofa. Bodywash. Hair stuff. Whatever. You know. But I'll probably need to buy more soon. Uehh. Maybe I'll use his stuff just this once. So that I still have my stuff when I'm not staying here. My dye is fading quicker than I want it to. Sigh. And my roots are all grown out. I guess it's not a bad look...but...I don't know. It reminds me of something. I don't really like my natural hair color much. Oh well. I don't really have the money to spend on dye and bleach right now. Lol. Gotta...spend wisely...and so on. My back has been really tight in one spot for the past few days. I think I must've slept funny at some point. It hurts!!! Not crazy bad or anything. It's just, like, mildly uncomfortable. Ugh. A hot shower would probably help. Yeah. Yeahhh. I'm gonna go do that now.
3:02 PM - He asked me if I wanted to sleep in the bed tonight. Weeeeeehh. I don't want to take his bed from him. That's so totally evil. I'm okay on the couch. I can even sleep on the floor! I am very versatile. I've slept on concrete more times than I can count!!! I'll be okay. I guess I'm staying for a bit longer. He doesn't seem to mind. I'm so grateful. I need to pay him back somehow. Eventually! I don't mind if he drinks or anything. I drink sometimes. Only when I have the money. I kind of miss it, actually. But I'm sick. So. Probably not the time. IDK. I'm kind of tired again. I might doze off. I wonder what flowers Kage likes. He posts a lot of flowers, but I'm not sure what his favorites are...Maybe I could. I don't know...uuuhhgh. IDK. I don't know. Maybe.
I miss reading. I never did read much. But I miss it. Writing makes me want to read. Haha.
3:50 PM - I need to invest in a stuffed animal. I want to hold something
4:18 PM - I'm sooo tired. Ahhh. You know. I wouldn't mind sleeping in his bed. I'd just hate to intrude. I don't know. I like being close to him. I liked watching TV with him last night. That was nice. My friend. Haha. My body is warm. It's not that bad, just kind of frustrating. Too hot. I think I'm going to try and sleep. More rest means I'll hopefully get better faster...and if I get better faster. I won't be so HOT!!!!!!!!! Ahhhhhhh. Maybe I'll lay on the floor. It's probably cooler. That's what dogs do, I think. When they're hot. They sleep on the floor! Smart. Smart...Yeah. I always wanted a dog. Kaede had a senior one, he was like...12 years old? I think. OLD! But so cute. I think he liked me. He'd let me lay on him, and Kaede would go "Woww...he must really like you! He doesn't let anyone do that!" but I've learned in my adult years that that's just something pet owners say to make people feel special. So maybe he liked everyone. I love dogs. Even ones that bite!
Was Kage on the floor because it was cooler? I wonder. Hmm! Smart man...
6:05 PM - I didn't sleep much. I think I passed out for maybeee...30 minutes? and spent the rest of the time laying on the floor. But it was nice. I feel nice. I'm happy. I'm not stressed. Dare I say, I feel safe! The floor was cooler. Amazing. I hope me and Kage watch TV together again. Haha. It was so fun. I like doing things with him. I miss drinking soda. I never really drank any when I was a kid outside of the few times I went to birthday parties and stuff. I like how fizzy it is. Yum.
6:54 PM - Kage left for work. I feel like a housewife. Or like a bum roommate that doesn't do anything. LOL. I think I'll take a walk while he's out.
7:44 PM - It was nice out. I didn't stay out for too long. Just wanted to walk. Sometimes when I'm by large bodies of water I have the impulsive urge to jump in with all my clothes on!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! Just 'cos it'd be fun. 
photo I took when I was out. >_>
9:05 PM - Hehe. TV with Kage. This is so fun. Maybe being sick is a blessing in disguise! Ha!
10:25 PM - He fell asleep. Do you think he'd be embarrassed if he knew he had his head on my shoulder right now? Haha. I don't know. It's nice. Ouma used to lay on me like this sometimes. I have to be super still. I don't want to wake him! Might try and see what's on TV right now. I miss watching documentaries so bad.
11:39 PM - Aha. I might fall asleep too. I'm getting sleepyyyy. I found an old crime documentary. It's so interesting. And Kage is so warm! Ahhh! Ahh. I'll probably doze off soon. I'm so comfortable.
12:32 PM - Haha. Can you believe it? I slept through the whole night. Went to bed so early, too. That might be the most sleep I've gotten in years. I've been up for a while, now. When I woke up, he had his arm wrapped around me. It was so cute. I felt so comfortable. Ahh. Really. What a nice night. I'm kind of. super hungry right now. I wonder if we'll make those...sesame balls...eventually. Hmmmmmm. I'm not a great cook. I haven't actually used a kitchen in years. But I'll try my best to at least be helpful. Hehe. I'm so happy. Usually when I'm too happy for too long, I get this creeping sense of dread telling me something bad will happen soon. But I don't have that right now. I'm just happy. What the hell?
1:34 PM - Bagel. Drooling emoji. I seriously need to figure out what flowers he likes. How do you ask that without sounding weird? Or. Actually maybe I'm overthinking that that's like a pretty normal question
4:31 PM - Wahaaaa. I almost passed out. Not sure why. Had to sit down really quick 'cos my heart started beating fast and my legs felt shaky. Ack! I've been thinking about when I'll. leave. I don't really know. I'm pretty much recovered from my little fever, I think. And so...you know...realistically, I should leave soon. I know that. I just...don't. Want to. Haha. That's so lame. I've had such a good time with Kage, that I really don't want to leave! But. You know. I need to work. I do. I've been dreading it. I don't really want to go back to that. But money is money. I can't leech off of Kage forever. I could probably find day jobs around the area. You know, ones that don't require me actually getting hired. Uhm. I don't know. I don't want to leave. I'm such an idiot. My...job...eh. I really only work at night. So it kind of wouldn't make sense to stay here any longer if I'll just be leaving at night. I'll probably have to talk with him. It's not like I'm...living here. It's his house. He's letting me stay because I'm sick, and. I'm not really sick anymore. So. I should leave soon, I guess. Wah.
7:05 PM - Is it selfish to ask if I could stay longer? Longer, as in, like, an undecided amount of time? I feel like such a BUM. It's just. I was thinking about it, while he was out. I could probably find work around the area, and then, when I really need to, I could. Go out at night. And work. And I could just come back. So I'd still be making money. and And I wouldn't be totally leeching off of him. If you ignore that I'd still be staying in his house. Uggghh. I'll talk to him about it...if he's okay with me staying. Then I can figure out where to go from there. I haven't felt this comfortable in a while, you know? It's so nice. He makes me happy.
I thought about. Buying him something. as a thank you, for letting me stay the time he has already. Like. Flowers. Or, maybe something he really needs. I don't know what that'd be, though...
Uah. Anyways. I would kill for like, chicken alfredo, right now. Yeeeaahhhhh. Ouuhghhgghuhguh. Drooling emoji.
8:00 PM - Kage bought me stuff. Aha. He's too nice. Allergy stuff. Ahh. I need to get him flowers. And talk to him about staying longer. Do I kill two birds with one stone? Get him flowers, give them to him, then ask if he's okay with me staying? Or does that sound like bribery? Ouuhh. I'm not sure. I need to be put down. I'm terrible. I don't know. Maybe I should've left the house while he was out. Then he could've come back and I could've like. Surprised him. Ta-da! Thank you for letting me stay here! And taking care of me!!!! I got you flowers!!!!!! Fuck. That would've been great. Fuuuuck. I am useless. Would he even like flowers? I mean. I think he would. Realistically. But. IDK.
8:21 PM - I talked to him about it. It was significantly easier than I had made it out to be in my head. He said he was okay with me staying. I'll figure out work tomorrow, I think. I'll probably see if I can buy him something, too. Since I'll be out for a bit.
I've been thinking about Info-kun a bit. In the back of my mind, and stuff. I wonder how he's holding up. I'd check up on him, but I don't think he really wants that. I'm not sure. He knows I'm here if he needs me.
hahahhadhfhufhueheijnjnijvijevievnaeivaeijnijnrfhhhhahhahahah.Puppies have such big heads. Massive domes. Oh my god. I. I keep seeing photos of puppies and their heads are always so fucking big and it's so cute it makes me want to cry oh my god. oh my God
9:13 PM - Haha. Info-kun. Speak of the devil. He says he's working on recovering his files. That's good. I'd like to see him again. Eventually. Ahh. I'm probably gonna go out really quick. To like, a gas station, or a convenience store. I need. Something. Now that I'm not really sick. Lol! I have the money. Not a lot. But enough for now. Tomorrow I'll work on sorting my job situation out. Yeah. #Planning. I'll tell Kage that I'll be gone for a few. I think he's watching something! Wonder what. Hmmmm.
10:03 PM - I was only out for, what? 15, 20 minutes? Didn't take long. Felt nice. Kyaa. Earlier today, Kage asked if I'd want to sleep in his bed tonight (if I was staying another night), and I said I'd think on it. Ehe. I haven't thought on it much. It kind of slipped my mind, actually, 'cos I had been thinking about whether I'd be staying or not. But, I guess...since I am, it'd be kind of nice. Especially since sleeping on the couch with him was so nice. So...my mind is made up! I hope I don't kick him in his sleep or anything. Sometimes I get nightmares and thrash around a bit. Embarrassing!
11:13 PM - I'm. so sleepy. Haha. My sleep schedule is getting totally ruined the longer I stay here. I'm getting tired way earlier. I'll probably...join Kage in bed soon. That's embarrassing to type. LOL. So tired.
1:19 AM - Woke up. Didn't have a nightmare or anything, which is good! Kage is asleep, ehe. It's kind of nice, waking up and seeing that he's there. I'm glad I'm staying. He looks so peaceful when he sleeps. Awwww. I am. A little parched! I think I'm going to get water, and then head back to bed. I'm sleepy.
11:26 AM - Awake. I slept so good. Ahh! I feel so well rested. I'm going to...take a shower. And make myself look presentable. You know. 'Cos I have to go and figure my job situation out. And get Kage flowers.....hopefully. We'll see if there's anywhere in the area that sells them.
1:28 PM - Do you think he'd like Bellflowers? Or...should I just do something simple? Like roses? I'm not an expert on flowers. They come in blue. Kage is pretty blue. Uahhh. This is so difficult!!!!!!!!!!!!
I'm too embarrassed to say what I've figured out for work. But. I've figured something out. Don't ask or I'll get shy and call you a dummy.
2:58 PM - I settled on bellflowers. Blue ones! I'm kind of embarrassed. Why does everything make me embarrassed???? I'm seriously ovethinking this. I guess I just don't want to come off as weird. I'm really grateful. And flowers aren't too expensive. And. AAACK! Whatever. Standing around and whining about it isn't doing anything. I'm just going to head back home and give them to him. It'll be fine. AHHH. AHHHHHHH. AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH. Everything is okay. I hope he likes them.
Ehe. He's asleep. I'll give them to him when he wakes up...
4:14 PM - You know. I'm quite sleepy myself. Hmm. Maybe I'll leave them on the counter for now and go lay down...I could put a little sticky note on the bouquet with like. A cute little message or something. In case he wakes up before me. Do you think that would be nice? I hope so. I'm so sleepy, so suddenly. Ha!
6:47 PM - Awake! Awake! Awake! Ahh. He's watching a movie. Next to me. Haha. This is all so cute. I should ask him if he liked the flowers...assuming he saw them.
7:33 PM - Drowsy. It's kind of nice to just lay here and relax. I like not doing anything. I like not doing anything next to him. How fun!
8:56 PM - Info-kun left some stuff for me outside of his door. I'll probably pick it up tomorrow once I'm done...with.......my job...that I'm too embarrassed to talk about. He says they are ... "used" by him. Haha. I wonder if they smell like him. Is that weird? I don't know. I've only gotten close to him, physically, like..two times. And. He smelled good. And I want to get close to him again. But he probably wouldn't let me. So this is the closest I'll get for a while, isn't it? LOL. Everyone I know is so generous. Ahh.
I wonder if I could get something to eat with Kage soon. Sometime this week. That would be fun, wouldn't it? We could go out somewhere nice enough. I like doing things with him.
9:08 PM - Kage asked if I wanted to do anything. I'm a boring man. It's a bit late to go out, isn't it? I mean, not for me. But I don't know if Kage would like to go out this late. There's tons of stuff we could do outside. I thought about watching a movie, but he just watched one, so I don't know if sitting down for another hour or two just staring at a screen would be fun. Ahhh! I'm so boring! I miss drinking.
9:20 PM - 
Info-kun posted a photo of me as a blueberry? I'm perplexed.
Anyways. I wonder if Kage has board games. Do people play board games anymore? I used to play that one...candy...game. Candy land. With Kaede. Or, maybe card games? There's tons of fun card games. I could probably pick something up for cheap if he doesn't have any. Is that boring? Am I boring? God. I don't know. Whatever. I'll ask if he's up for it anyways.
9:42 PM - He's looking for board games! And maybe card games. In the basement. RIGHT NOW. How fun. I haven't played anything since. Kaede. I never really played with you 'cos you were always at work. I think. This is a baseless claim. I don't remember if I played with you or not. Mmm.
He brought up a few games! I'm actually only familiar with connect 4...LOL. But it'll be fun to play the other ones too, I'm sure. I doubt I'll need to be taught much. We're getting ready to play...RIGHT NOW...ehe. I'm excited. He'll probably...wipe the floor with me..is that the saying? I don't remember.
Also, I have the hiccups. Don't know why. I haven't drank the much today. I hate hiccups. God.
12:10 AM - Kage has been in bed for a bit. I'm on the couch. I had a lot of fun playing with him. It was kind of nostalgic! Ha. Ha. I wish I remembered more. I think I'll go outside to smoke for a bit. Hopefully the smell won't cling to my clothes too much...? Do you think he'd mind? I'm not sure. I always liked the smell. Embarrassingly, that's kind of what kickstarted my whole dependency on smoking. I liked the smell. Lingered on most of the people I met, and eventually I thought. What's the harm in trying it? And so I bought a pack when I had the money. Bad decision. LOL.
1:46 AM - I stayed out for longer than I needed to. Mostly because I went to retrieve the stuff from Info-kun's house. Wish he'd let me in. Not like I care or anything.
Anyways. I don't think I reek too badly of smoke. I'll put on different clothes and head to bed. I feel. So calm. Haha. I think I'll see if Kage wants to go out to eat tomorrow. As in, I'll ask tomorrow. Not tonight. He's probably asleep right now, actually. I'm not that tired. I'll probably just lay there for a bit. Or, sit there. Sometimes it's nice to listen to people breathe. I'd listen to Maki breathe when I held her. It was relaxing.
Also, much to my joy, the stuff does indeed smell like him. The jacket especially. Now, you may say, "Legal-kun! That's so weird! Did you seriously check immediately after retreiving the stuff from his house!?" Yes. I did. It is weird. I have no excuse.
I like Kage's bed. I like Kage. I'm content. Next to him. I love having a friend. Or, friends? I love it. I love my friend. Friends? I think he's pretty. It's funny, because, we look fairly similar. Of course, not exactly. I'm not him. But enough for me to think it's ironic that I find him so pretty. I know he's probably going to have a hard time this week. I read what he writes. Lol. I hope I'll be able to help him get through it at least a bit.
2:27 AM - Info-kun. You're so confusing.
3:26 AM - Kage seems restless.
Ehh. I think I heard him trip on something. I think I'll go check on him. To see if he's alright.
Think he fell asleep in the bathroom. I'd move him, but I don't think that's a good idea.
Is it weird to drape a blanket over him...in the bathroom? I think so. Maybe I should just move him. Ah.....Yeah. Ok. Okay. I will. And then I'll go to sleep. There's no way he's getting any good amount of rest in there. And, honestly, I'm a little worried about him. I'll just. Bring him to bed. Hopefully, without waking him up...? Uahhh. Goodnight.
4:59 AM - I fell asleep for a bit. And. Had the most absurd dream. I'm really ??? I. I don't know what brought upon this dream and honestly I'm not sure where to start but I need to get this out of my head before I fall back asleep. I dreamt that...me and Infomami were. getting married???? and I was in the whole wedding get-up, but. not a suit. a wedding dress. with a veil and everything. He was in a suit. I wasn't. I don't know why. And after we said our vows, instead of us like. kissing, or whatever happens at weddings, he lifted my veil up to like. Like reveal his face? but. he looked the same as always. His face was entirely obscured by shadows. And I was disappointed. And then.......I...lean closer, and I whisper in his ear, "do you want to know my real name?" - !!!!!! AND THEN I WOKE UP. IN A COLD SWEAT. I'M SO FUCKING CONFUSED? I don't know. Oh my God. Goodnight.
I think that counts as a nightmare. I'm honestly not sure. I woke up mortified.
10:49 AM - I'll probably ask Kage if he wants to go out to eat today soon. I...don't know if...taking his mind off of things would help? I know avoiding the problem doesn't always do much. But maybe it'd be a nice distraction since I'm pretty sure he isn't going to work today. I've never liked seeing him upset. I could pay and we could go wherever he wants. Do you think that'd be nice? Mmm. I don't know. I'll ask him if he's up for it.
Might wear Infomami's jacket today. It's a bit warm out for it but I'm a very cold-blooded man. It smells like him and I. can't stop thinking about it. Eh.
Speaking of, Info-kun invited me over to watch TV with him and Yonaga tonight. Haha. Haha. Yay. I'm excited. I still want to take Kage out beforehand. Maybe we could do something else after we eat? If he's in the mood. Ahh. I don't know. I want to help.
12:13 PM - My eyes hurt really bad. Think I'm gonna sit outside for a bit. Maybe smoke. IDK. I haven't missed you in a while. At least, not more than I usually do. I always miss you. I guess I've just been so distracted with everything good around me that I don't really have time to remember you aren't there. Not how I'd like you to be. I thought about him last night - or, me, not me, but. Him. Me. Whoever. Not me. I wonder what he'd look like. I wonder how he'd act. Would he be better off if I never did what I did? Or do we always end up going down the same path no matter what? I think I love him. But. I'm not sure. It's kind of hard to grasp being in love with the concept of yourself if you weren't you, or. If you WERE you, I guess, fits better in my case. Me if I was me. I love him, but I'm not sure he'd like me. I don't know if I'd like him either. Love and like are two very different things. You can love someone and not like them. You can like someone and not love them. I think he'd hate me. I miss him. Do you miss him, too? Does it feel weird when you talk to me? I worry it does, sometimes. I feel like a sort of cruel imitation of him when I talk to you. I keep trying to pretend to be someone I don't know. Because. That's who you know. He's yours. I'm not. I wonder if he'd smoke like I do. Would we like the same stuff? How much of "me" is entirely influenced by the live I've lived? Does it go as deep as my tastebuds? Maybe he'd hate food that I love. And vice versa. Sometimes I look in the mirror and see him. Or, what I think he'd be. The more my roots grow out, the more I see him. But I'm not him. He's been dead for years.
1:26 PM - Asked Kage if he'd like to go out. He seemed unsure! I don't want to force him to do anything. Maybe I could pick something up for us? Or just him. I'm not that hungry. I'll need to go out for a bit either way. There's stuff I need to take care of. Is he hungry either? I don't know. I guess I just want to do something for him.
2:06 PM - I don't know. I'm trying to think.
2:20 PM - Well. I do have to leave for a bit. I'll let Kage know and then head out. And...hopefully pick something up for him! I would do something sweet, like a pastry, but. I don't know if he can handle those well from what I recall. Fruit is always an option, but that's kind of underwhelming. An apple a day keeps The Upset away? No? Okay. Sorry. I'm really trying to think. Maybe he doesn't want anything at all. I wish I was better at this stuff! Uahh. I don't have an overwhelming amount of cash, but since I'm staying here longer, I don't have to spend as much money on certain necessities...so I have...a bit to spend on frivolous stuff. Eh. IDK. I'll go to a store or something once I'm done with what I need to do and see what they have. I need to pick up a few things for myself anyways.
3:38 PM - I'm so sweaty. Ahhh. I need to shower when I get back. Home? when I get back. I'm at the store now. It's kind of funny that they still have some Valentine's day stuff out for sale. It's all wayyy marked down, though, 'cos it's a good few months past Valentine's. There's this really cute cat plush...and it's only $5.............maybe. I wonder if Kage would also appreciate a cute plushie...? I'm not so sure. It's kind of childish, I guess...so...maybe not. I'll find something else for him. I need more toothpaste. IDK. Might just pick up something that reminds me of him. Even if it's silly. I've done sillier things. It's not like it would cause any harm. It'd just be...corny, at worst. Ehh. Yeah. I wonder if there's any Info-kun adjacent paraphernalia, too...
3:53 PM - I kind of miss sleeping on the ground. I think I'm going to lay on the floor for a bit once I get back. I know I said I wouldn't get a plushie for him because that's childish but they're so cheap and so cute. Ohh. It's a blue one...with a little bow...isn't that adorable...????? I'll leave it on the counter again so I don't have to think about it. I am terrible at the "giving" part of gift giving. Embarrassing. I'm checking out now...and then I'll be home! Home. It's so weird to call it that. Makes me feel entitled. Is that my home? Am I allowed to call it that? I don't know. Kage's house.
4:12 PM - Back at Kage house...!!! I put the plush on the counter. I'm not sure where he is right now. Oh well. Floor time. I'll probably fall asleep. I have to be at Infomami's house by 9PM sharp...so, what, I should leave around 30 minutes earlier, right? Probably. I wonder if Kage will want to do anything together beforehand. Mmmhhhhh. I don't know. Thinking is hard. Everything is hard.
6:35 PM - I keep having weird dreams. That one was particularly upsetting. I don't think I'm going to talk about it here. My legs are hurting again. I always used to think they'd give out on me.
Sometimes I see girls with pretty long blonde hair and I wonder if Kaede ever kept hers that way. Did she keep bleaching it? It suited her so well, but brown hair did too. I guess I just thought she was pretty no matter the hair color. God. I miss her. FML.
9:09 PM - At Infomami (and Yonaga)'s house now. Been here for like ten minutes. It's Love Island time...ehhe. I'm happy. I missed him.
I wonder if Kage saw the little cat plush. Hmmmm. I probably won't stay for too long.
11:19 PM - Back home. Kage's house. Back at Kage's house. I think he's asleep. I had a lot of fun with Infomami and Yonaga. I've never........seen that show before. Wow! I never expected Info-kun would enjoy watching that kind of thing. Though, in retrospect, I guess it makes sense? Hmm. Learning so much about him lately. I think I'm going to...take a shower, and get in bed with Kage. I hope he liked the plushie...ehhe. It's so childish. I know. Ahh. I'm so tired.
Sometimes when I'm next to him I want to hold him. Ehh. Is that too weird? He held me. Kind of. On the couch. And it was really nice. I liked being so close to him. Maybe. maybe it would be okay if . i don't know. would he mind? ahh. maybe i'll sleep a little closer tonight.
1:11 AM - There are not enough words in the english language to properly describe the intensity of the pain I am experiencing at this very moment. Everthing hurts. My stomach hurts. My legs hurt. My head hurts. I feel like I'm going to throw up. Ughh. What the hell? Is this. What. my body's delayed reaction to sitting so close to Yonaga? Because she's. Radioactive and all. Oh my God. I don't know. I doubt it. But I feel like death. I can't sleep. Fuck my life. I think I'm actually gonna hurl. Hold on
1:38 AM - Ran to the bathroom and threw up. Whatever. Are you team Edward or Jacob? Personally I'm neither because they both suck. If I was Bella I would've shot myself.
thi s is wherre i get my DICK SUCKED...m y BALLS TUGGED ON...ONE BY ONE... ahh i wanna die everyhting hurts oh m y god . hhhk. i'm gonna cr.y Ouuhhghh.Whatever. Back to bed.
2:02 AM - My head doesn't really hurt anymore. Everything else does. I'm afraid that if I fall asleep I'll end up latching onto Kage like a koala. Oh well. I've unfortunately always been a clingy sleeper. I don't know how I've managed to not grab onto him at all since I started sleeping in the bed. I used to...cling onto you. When I slept in your bed. You remember that, I'm sure. And I did it again not too long ago, I think. The last time I saw you. It's kind of embarrassing. I need to find a way to stop myself from doing that eventually.
10:27 AM - I'm not sure what my problem was last night, 'cos I feel fine enough now. That was weird. You'd think I was dying with how I was acting. It really wasn't that bad. I just threw up. My legs hurting wasn't even related to it, they just always hurt. OMG. I am a drama queen. I puked my guts out and my first thought was...I NEED TO BLOG!!!! Ok. I don't know when I fell asleep. I kind of don't recall getting into bed at all. Eh. I was probably out of it 'cos I got sick. I'm still sleepy...I think...I'm gonna go back to bed. Yeahh. Kage is still asleep, I think. Or very convincingly pretending to be asleep! You never know. Eye emoji.
I wonder if Kage has anything to do today. We should make those sesame balls...the things...did he get the stuff for them? I don't remember. I'll ask. If he didn't, I can go pick it up. Well. If he wants to make them at all. I think part of me is just excited to do anything kitchen related at all again. LOL.
1:40 PM - Everybody wants you. That's so fucking funny.
1:57 PM - Think I'm going to take a shower. Can I be honest? I always ask that even though I know you can't directly answer me. I'm going to be honest. I kind of dread taking showers. I hate getting naked. I hate having to be anywhere near my own naked body. I hate having to look at my body. I really, truly, do not enjoy it. I kind of have to psyche myself up to even take my clothes off. That makes me sound filthy. I still do shower. It is just incredibly distressing. And sometimes it makes me cry. Maybe this shouldn't be on the Main Blog but I'm putting it here anyways. I have to be vulnerable here every once in a while! Okay. Shower time. Yayyy.
Sorry for how often I mess up the dating of my entries. I keep forgetting what day it is!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
3:05 PM - It hurts to sit down and I can't pinpoint why
3:54 PM - Still hurts. I think I'm going to lay back down. Uahh.
5:23 PM - Gonna head out and pick the stuff we need for the ... FRIED SESAME BALLS .. up! Not sure if he wants to make them with me. If not I'll just make them myself and hopefully not fuck up horribly. I've never had them before so I'm not sure how they're supposed to taste. I just know he wanted them a while ago...hmmm.
(I will place my trust in an online recipe, obviously.)
My lower half still hurts quite a lot, but it's fine. Not the worst it could be, and I'm a tough man!
6:00 PM - I think I saw him. At the store. I don't get it. Why would he be here? I mean. We're both older now. I guess it makes sense that he wouldn't be exactly where I left him. But why here? Why are you here? Ah. So strange. I stared at him for a few minutes and he caught me looking. And he didn't recognize me at all. He looked all confused and tilted his head at me. I apologized and told him I liked his hair. and his piercings. Thought he looked cool. He had more than he did when we were teenagers. His hair was still the same color. A bit longer now. He looked happier. It was him, I know it was. That's so weird. Why are you here? Haha. Ahh. Whatever. Whateverrrr. I got the stuff, according to the recipe I pulled up. Kind of excited. I'll ask Kage if he wants to make them with me when I get back. My chest hurts.
6:53 PM - Eh. I don't feel okay. If I have to be honest I think I might breakdown. I'm still not back at the house. I don't know. You never prepare yourself for stuff like that. He looked so much happier. He really has been better off without me. Wow! I. mean. It's been 5 years. Of course he'd get his shit together eventually. But. Fuck. I don't know. It's not like I wanted him to look wrecked and depressed. I just. feel sad. Guilty? for leaving like I did. Agh. It's fine. I will not break down. I am being dramatic. It's okay. I'm heading back now. Haha. Now. Now. Ah
8:44 PM - Making the DEEP FRIED SESAME BALLS! Kage is helping!!! Yay! If they turn out terrible at least we can feel bad about it together. Hehe. I jest. They'll probably turn out fine. He asked if we could drink together tonight. I was hoping he'd ask eventually! I've been too shy to myself. I'd love to drink with him. It's been a while. Ahh. Nice night. I'm happy. I'm okay.
11:45 PM - Kage went to bed. I'll probably sit outside for a little and then join him later. I neeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeedddddddd...to...ehh. I don't need to do anythhing.I just like sitting outside. Yeah.
12:28 AM - Bedtime, I think. I'm not really that tired. I guess I just want to be next to him again. Yawnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnn. Yawn. Yawn.
12:49 AM - Another night, another cryptic set of messages from you. God. I never understand anything when it comes to you. Are you dying? Are you drugged? Wuhhhh?????? I can't stand you. I don't mean that. I love you, but. Fuck. You're so confusing.
Infomami is gonna get me painkillers. He's sooooo sweet. Haha. I think I annoyed him when I called him moody. Too cute!
1:54 AM - I'm tired. Uehhh. So tired. Kage woke up for a few minutes and then when right back to sleep. It was kind of cute. He drools a lot. Drool boy. LMAO. (said with love). Ahh. He makes me wanna barf. 'Cos he's so cute. When I say that people are like "well when you say it makes you wanna barf it sounds like you hate it" and they just don't get it. Have you seriously never seen something so cute that it makes you sick? Kage is so cute that it makes me sick. Imagining Info-kun as a boyscout is so cute that it makes me sick. Dogs are so cute that it makes me sick. Maybe I'm just weird. It's like when people get "cuteness aggression" or whatever. I get nausea. and it's literally fine. I LOVE CUTE THINGS!!!!!! Ahh!!!! So tired. I'm happy tonight. Even though weird and objectively upsetting things happened today. I'm still happy. It's weird.
Um. But. I am kind of worried about you. It's like this gnawing feeling in the back of my mind. And the weird shit you're sending me really isn't helping. Please don't die. Haha. I'll kill myself. I'm so fucking serious. I'm not sure if I'll actually be able to sleep. Ehh. I'm kind of assuming the worst. And the image I have in my head is really, really upsetting. And I don't like it. And I'm trying not to think about it. Ahh. I might cry. Whatever. Bedtime. I'm going to bed whether I like it or not. Uehhhh..........
2:19 AM - I'm okay. I need to stop being such a crybaby! My God. Everything is fine. I had a good day today. I'm safe. I'm. next to Kage. Haha. Fun! You'll be okay. and you'll message me in a few days asking me if I remember some shit I absolutely do not remember. but I'll lie and say I do. It's okay. I'm tired and I'm not scared. And Kage's bed is really comfy. And he's drooling again. Haha. Drool boy.
10:06 AM - I keep having weird dreams. Uehhh. I'm not going to get up for a while. In such a strange mood right now.
Kage is shaking really bad. He must be freezing. Mmm. Thinking thinking 1 2 3...
1:34 PM - Up. Up. Ahh! I'm hungry. I need to go out and take care of something again for a bit today. But I have some time before that...hmmmm.......ehhhh...Maybe me and Kage could watch something. I like watching stuff with him. I'm not sure where he is right now. None of my business, I suppose!
My stomach hurts kind of bad. But it's fine. Not nausea or anything, it's like a weird sharp pain right below my ribs. Yikes.
6:22 PM - Sorry. I. fucked around for a bit. Lol. uh. Got my shit done and went home finally. I'm tired. I wonder where Kage is. We haven't talked much today.
I'm tired. I wonder if he's sleeping? Maybe we can nap together. I don't know. I think I need to stop trying to do everything together. I worry I'm being a little suffocating.
8:37 PM - my heart is beating so fast. feeling like i'm about to pass out. it's okay, though. found kage. he was on the floor for a bit. hmmmmm. i missed him a little. it's funny, because we've been in the same house for a few hours now. i just. i don't know. maybe we can watch something. i'd suggest something more fun, but. i don't have the energy. and it's late. soon. i need to take him out to eat eventually. maybe once this week passes.
9:12 PM - We're watching TV. Yay! He's leaning on me again. Haha. Maybe this time I'll put my arm around him! Maybe. Maybe. I don't know.
10:59 PM - Went to bed with Kage some time ago. He said he was tired. I'm not that sleepy, buttttt. It's okay. I like sitting around in bed. Not something I've gotten to do for much of my life. Nice night. I'm glad we spent some time together. I'm kind of. really hot right now. and I want to smoke. But I don't feel like getting up. Eh. Whatever. Later, maybe when Kage is asleep.
12:39 AM - Mmmmm. Think he's asleep. I'm gonna go smoke for a bit. Maybe even take my shirt off! Scandalous! I'm just. so hot. ahhhhh!!!!!!!!!!
I wonder if Infomami smokes. He seems like the type to. Maybe one day we can smoke together. Do you think he'd want to? I'm not sure.
2:13 AM - Went back inside. Kage is sniffling? Maybe. I. Can talk to him. Maybe he wants to talk. I'll talk to him.
3:48 AM - He fell asleep on me. Haha! I guess. I guess it's my bedtime. My throat feels a little weird. My allergies might be acting up. I'll take some of that...uhhh...the...stufffff/.../ that Kage got me... a wwhile ago. Yeahhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh. I'm like. in a weird middle area of being soooo tired and soooo awake. It's odd. Oh well. I'll fall asleep soon. Especially with him laying on me. So cute!
Me and...Tsumugi. My Tsumugi. We used to stay up together for days on end. We were so bad for each other. LOL. Weirdly enough, she was the only other person I got...semi-close to dating, after Kaede. I wassssss.......19? Not that long ago. Two, three years. Something like that. I think we were downright evil to each other sometimes. Haha. I miss her. She should've killed me. Put me out of my misery. Like...uuuuuuh. Like a super sick dog. Obviously, I don't want her to kill me now. But she should've killed me then. I'd be dead and she'd get locked up. We'd both get what we deserve. I don't know why I'm thinking about that, actually. I don't want to die, and I'm content never seeing her face again. Huh. I'm a little scared of every Tsumugi I see. What if they all want me dead like she did when I left? LOLLLLLL. I know they don't, but. Still. I guess getting killed by a pretty lady is one of the better ways to go out. Sometimes I feel like I died years ago and I'm just a walking corpse. When I saw you last, it kind of felt like I was looking at a walking corpse. Like, it was wrong. Like neither of us should've been there, alive, and stuff. I don't recognize you like I should. Do you recognize me? Do you see him when you look at me? I try to be him, for you, but I think you can tell it's not real. Sorry. I love you.
I wonder what color I should dye my hair next. Maybe I'll go back to black for the first time since I was like...14...hahahhaha.haha. Haha. Haha. Haha. Haha. I remember that. I remember it. I do. I remember. Do you? No, you don't. Because you weren't there. I'm not mad. My whole life feels so disorganized now that you're back in it. Not like it was organized before, but. everything. all of it. it's . I don't know. I try not to think about it. There's so much you can't ever find out. I'd seriously lose my mind if you did. When I used to get like this, she'd. Ah. Ah. I was so mean to her. We were awful. She's probably dead now. Overdosed on something. I didn't know a lot about her. I just knew we'd been through a lot of the same shit, she just had a home to go back to. I didn't. And I kind of loved her. Not really, but, kind of. I felt something close to it. Her apartment was a mess. And it reeked. And I spent a lot of my time there. Think I burned a hole in her couch once. Eh. I don't. I don't miss her. I'm not sure why I said I did. Thinking about her actually makes me feel kind of sick. God. I need to go to bed. I'm getting tired anyways. Kage is warm. And nice. and everything is fine. Goodnight, I love you. Learn how to dodge bullets, please.
5:42 AM - Still not asleep. I think I will be soon, though. Ahhh. So sleepy. So warm! I hear the birds chirping. God. I need to stop staying up so late. I don't mean to, not anymore. Goodnight, for real this time. I'm calmer now, I think.
12:15 PM - Awake. Ahhh.. I'm still a little tired. Kage seems a bit off this morning. It's not surprising, but. You know. I'm not sure if I should leave him be or try and hang out with him. Hmmmmmmmmmm. I don't. Know. I'm hungry. I want to eat at a breakfast place...or..like, a diner...there was a diner in our town. Mine and yours. I ate there with Kaede and her mom a few times. Her mom was a nice lady. Always paid for me. She washed my hair for me a few times. It kind of felt like I was her kid too, lol. I didn't have many other friends in school. People didn't talk to me much and they thought I was weird. I never got picked on, though, because it seems like everybody knew you'd be pissed if they picked on me and you found out. Haha. Ah.
3:05 PM - Kage went out for a bit. I have a really. weird chest pain. Not like, anxiety. Like my chest actually, physically hurts. Ough. It's fine. Really uncomfortable, though. I'll probably head out for a bit too, while he's gone. Maybe. I kind of miss
3:37 PM - Ehhh. Ehhhhhhhhhhhrgieniievniejnkjnkjvndjvnskjdvnsnvkejvnienvianvsijdvnjdkv. Old habits die hard. I said that already, somewhere else. My throat hurts. It's too early to do anything with anyone anywhere. I don't even want to. I don't know what I'm doing. I think I'll just head back and wait for Kage. That was such a stupid idea.
8:34 PM - Mom? Can you come back? Lol. I'm kidding. Kage has been home for a bit. Didn't want to bother him so I've just been staying out of his way. Mmm.
9:34 PM - Me and Kage are going to have dinner together. Yayyy! I'm not sure what, though. Maybe I could cook for him...since he doesn't seem to be feeling all that well today. Would that be nice? Ehh. I'll see what he's in the mood for and figure out what to do from there.
10:10 PM - I've been thinking of what we could eat for a few minutes now. He said he's alright with anything...hmmm. Maybe something light? My throat is really scratchy today, for some reason, so something with broth might be nice. Or like. A soup. Easy to make, too. I like soup. Kaede's mom used to bring soup over to the house occasionally. She always gave me leftovers when she noticed that you were coming home a little later. She was so nice to me. Mmm. Yeah. I'll see if he's alright with...some sort of soup......and then get to work! Yayyy!
10:34 PM - Made soup. Kind of improvised and just put whatever soup-esque veggies we had in it. But it's warm. and yummy. Mmmm. Soup! Feels nice on my throat. I like cooking for him, I've discovered. Hm.
11:24 PM - In bed. I'm kind of tired. Probably 'cos I stayed up so late last night. I don't know why I got so freaked out. Sometimes my mind just...like...wanders. And I start thinking about stuff I don't want to remember. And I know that I don't want to keep thinking about it. But my brain doesn't stop. Hah. I'm doing it again! No more. No moreee. I'm in bed next to Kage and I'm comfortable.
4:23 AM - Sometimes I wish I could help you more. I'm sorry I can't. You seem restless. Again. Hmm.
I don't know. I'm so tired. So, so, so, so, so unbearably tired. I remember, one night, I got really, really drunk. And she leaned in to kiss me, and I threw up all over her. Yikes. I only ever felt awful back then. I still do. Just, in different ways, I guess. Sometimes I miss how I felt then. Being this comfortable now feels so inexplicably wrong. I don't deserve this. No matter how much I hate it, I should be out on the streets doing the same shit I've always done. You know? The thought of it makes me sick, yet I still feel this need to go back to it, because. I shouldn't be this comfortable. In an ideal world, I'm bleeding again, and nobody will help me. I think I'll die before I'm 30. I'm not physically healthy, and I'm mentally unwell. Worst of all, I'm pretty fucking stupid. I'll get myself killed one way or another. It's a miracle I've even made it this far. Is it wrong to say that sometimes I wish I didn't find him again? I love him more than anything, but I just don't know what to do now that he's back. If I never found him, I could at least kill myself with little to no guilt. Eh. I guess. He's not the only person stopping me from doing that, but. He's one of them. I wonder what he was like when he was a kid. I wish I remembered. It's kind of obvious he's a shell of a man now, or whatever. So. I wish I remembered what he was like before all of this. Ehh. I need to stop wasting my time thinking about stuff that can't be helped. I used to try her glasses on. Her prescription was super outdated. Like, by at least 6 years. I'm not sure why she still wore them at that point. I guess, because they suited her. She looked cute with them on. I like people who wear glasses.
I think I need to go to bed.
1:00 PM - I don't feel very well, like, physically. I think I've caught another cold. A much smaller one than before. But. Good lord. Natural selection is real and I'm next. I'm in bed. I already took medicine. I kind of want to kill myself. Kage is out doing something. Not sure what. I guess it's none of my business. I don't feel too bad. My throat is just so scratchy. And my nose is all stuffy. Uehhh. Maybe I'll make more soup...later. Ehh.
3:34 PM - Kage came home. He says he wants to do something! Hm. Sorry. I'm so boring. I used to be a lot more fun. Maybe I can take him out to eat now? Uh. Now that he wants to do something. Even though I feel a little sick. Is he hungry? I'm not sure. Would he even want to go out? He just came back from going out. I don't know. I'll talk to him. Maybe he just wants to talk. I like talking to him.
4:07 PM - We're going out! I wonder if there's anywhere nice to eat. That isn't crazy expensive. I guess we'll just have to look around! That's fun, too. I'm still not very familar with the area. It's chillier out today. I think I'll wear Info-kun's - er, Info-Daddy's jacket. Haha. What a stupid name.
8:14 PM - Stayed out for a while. I had fun. It was nice. We're laying down and watching something now...though I don't think he's really paying attention at all. He seems kind of, like, super sleepy. I could probably put something really stupid on and he wouldn't even notice. LOL. I won't, though. I'm still not tired. Again. I'm never tired anymore. Until I am. I don't know. I wish I got to go to high school. I wonder what it would've been like. When I was younger, I liked to pretend I was a naughty teenager skipping my classes and doing shit I wasn't supposed to, instead of a homeless, essentially dead teenager ruining what's left of his life. LOL. Felt a lot more easy to...romanticize, I guess. Like a coming of age movie. I never really felt like I was able to grow up. I was 12, and then I was 21. Or...22, I forget. Shit, maybe I'm 23? I don't know. When I'm writing out my suicide note (for real, this time) I'll tell you all about the shit I've done. It'll be like an autobiography. I think I'm self-obsessed enough to write one of those. I wonder if anybody would find it? It's not like I have a room to hang myself in or something. Maybe I'll overdose and stuff the note (or, probably, notes, plural) in my pocket. They'll find it when they poke and prod at my corpse. Bunch of strangers will get to know my whole life story. Though, I doubt they'd care to read. People only ever want one thing from me.
I don't know why my train of thought has been so dark lately. I get in my head so much, and suddenly I'm planning my suicide like I didn't feel fine a few minutes ago. Eh. I won't kill myself. Not for a long, long while. I still have a lot of life left to live. A lot of lives, if you will. It'll always be the same shit, over and over again. And I'll keep living. Because that's the only thing I've been able to do so consistently. I need to live. Or else everything I've done up until now would've been entirely useless. If I was ever going to kill myself, it should've been years ago, when I first thought of it. I can't back out now. Especially not right now. There's a cute guy next to me!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
You know, I feel okay. Objectively, thinking about that and writing about it didn't put me in a bad mood, and I wasn't in a bad mood beforehand, either. It's just kind of morbid. And misleading. I'm happy right now. I had a good time out with Kage, and I'm watching TV with him. Kind of. I think he's falling asleep. If I put a horror movie on once he passes out. would it, like, subliminally give him nightmares? I don't want that to happen. But I do kind of want to watch a scary movie. Maybe it'd be better to do that when he's awake...I'd feel so guilty if I turned out to sort-of-kind-of be the cause of his sudden and unexplainable nightmares all because I wanted to watch a scary movie...!!!!!! I'd have to hide away in shame and never, ever show my face again! Like I always do, or whatever. He's so warm. He always is! Or maybe I'm just cold all the time.
Do you ever worry that you can't properly love people? Like, romantically, platonically, or...familial...ly? Like. I don't know. Maybe my years and years of being completely selfsh and self-serving has damaged my abilty to love those around me. You know, I love people. But. It's always been...me, before them. It had to be. Or else they'd take advantage of me when I'm weak and damage me irreparably. And, it's important to note, I'm weak all the time. Whether I'm drugged or drunk or sober. I'm weak. So I have to be selfish. I can't stick around for people that'll only ever use my weakness against me in the end. I have to. You know. Hurt them first. I. Don't know. That doesn't sound good, because it's not. I've been trying to be nicer. Mostly when it comes to Kage, I guess. He wouldn't hurt me. That much is, and has been obvious to me, for a while. He's too good for that. Too good for me? Ha. Ha. I don't think I can ever love someone normally again. And thinking about that does make me a little sad. Even though it wouldn't really matter if I could love someone normally. I'll never have a life normal enough for it to change anything. I can't have a solid group of friends. I can't get married. I can't have kids - and God knows I don't want to, fuck, the thought of a bunch of little me's running around is kind of sickening. I should not be allowed to reproduce. Eh.
Sometimes I wish I could grab Infomami by his stupid puffed out collar and hold him there for a few seconds. Really, I'd tell him anything he wants to know if it weren't for the fact that I really enjoy playing this game with him. I like having him try to figure me out. I like trying to figure him out. I've never done that before, and nobody has ever done that for me. Makes me feel good. Gghghhhgghkkk.
8:54 PM - I like watching TV next to Kage. Sorry for writing so much. You can disregard everything above this entry. It's all useless. No, I won't delete it. Because I spent a lot of time writing it, that's why!!!!!!!!!! Stop interrogating me, God! What are you, my mom!? Haha. I'm kidding. See, I was doing it just then, I was pretending to be a naughty teenager in a coming of age movie!!! Hahaha. Hahhahahaaha. LOL. ROFL. LOLOLOLOLLLL. ghhghhh. I'm giving myself a headache. Rereading everything I've written is almost as annoying and painful as hearing a recording of yourself speaking. Euhh...do I really sound like that...???? I am absolutely fucking insufferable. Oh my god. Anyways. I think Kage has fallen asleep. He falls asleep so quick. It's really cute. One second he's there, and the next, he's completely out! I like when he lays on me. It reminds me of a lot of my old friends. I always liked when people used me as a pillow. Even though I'm really boney, so, realistically, it couldn't have been that comfortable. I like laying on other people, too. It just happens less often. I never really have a reason to, and I rarely trust anyone enough anymore. Maybe one day. I wonder if he'd let me. Probably not. But it's a cute thought.
9:59 PM - My head hurts so bad. I think it's bedtime. I'm not that tired, but. I need to sleep. It hurts really bad. I guess I am tired, now that I think about it more. I might hold onto Kage a bit. Eh. I hope he doesn't mind.
1:18 PM - I'm not sure when I woke up. Or when I went to bed. Or how long I've been awake. It feels like I've just gained consciousness! Eh. Anyways. Not sure where Kage is. If he's home, he's probably in the bathroom...I've learned that if I can't find him, he's usually there, or in the bedroom! And he's not in the bedroom. Because I'm in here, and I don't see him! I'm kind of hungry. I want...a...breakfast bagel...mmm. With like. Egg and stuff. Yeahhh.
2:19 PM - Kage went out for a bit. Don't know when he'll be back. That's okay, though. I'll wait for him ever so diligently like a good freeloader should! Probably gonna hang outside while he's gone. Maybe smoke. I need to buy more, soon...uehhh. I like messing with Info-kun. So much, actually. It's so unbelievably fun. I love getting a reaction from him. Hahaha. Haahhhahahahihwiuhwiobwribelibefjbdkjvndfvneakgjbeijberlwbkvgeirjiuehioerhkjvbdfbdajfnvfhhahahhhaehibghhhbgihbgoabh
3:17 PM - I keep sneezing...!!! Oh my God! This pollen is fucking me up!!!!!!! Have mercy on my weary soul!!!!!!!!!! >_<"
4:29 PM - Kage came home. Brought food! Yummy. He is so infinitely gracious. I feel like I'm on cloud nine today. If you ignore how much I've been sneezing. I am positively chipper and nothing is wrong. EEEEEEEK!!!!!!!!!!!!! I'm kind of hot, though. I think I'll put my hair up. I don't usually wear my hair up because I think it makes me look girly. But I guess there's nothing wrong with that, in retrospect. Looking girly is fine...I pull it off well enough...ehh..whatever.
6:27 PM - Oh my fucking God. I keep sneezing. I should kill myself to put an end to this continous suffering. All jokes. I won't do that. Probably gonna eat dinner soon. Maybe roll around in the dirt afterwards. Info-kun had long hair in high school...God...Why did he have to cut it...? Uahhh. I jest. He looks good with his current hair length, too. I just think he'd look really pretty with long hair. Wish I got to see it. Fuckkkk. Maybe Kage and me can watch TV together again. In a little bit. I LOVE WATCHING TV... I stayed with this old guy for a while. years ago. and he only ever watched super old black and white western movies. and it was hell. being able to watch literally anything other than that is so much more fun.
7:49 PM - Whew. Feel like shit all of a sudden. Uhhhhgh. Whatever. I think I'm gonna go sit outside with Kage. I really like being outside. And I really like being near Kage! Even if we don't talk. I wish I took your Mp3 player when I left. Fuuuuck. I always wanted one of those. A few kids at my school had them and I was SO FUCKING JEALOUS. WHY DO YOU HAVE WHAT I DON'T HAVE???? Lol. I'm kidding. It wasn't that serious. I just wanted one reaaaally bad. Still do. They're so cute. I'd much prefer having one over like...using spotify..or whatever...I hate Spotify. Annoying app. And. When I was with Rantaro. Not like...uh, with him, but you know. With him. We used to listen to music together. He'd give me one earphone and he'd have the other. That was nice. FML. I'm going to sit outside with Kage now. I hope he doesn't mind if I bother him a bit. Hey Kage. Hey. hey. Hey Kage. Kage. Hi. Kage. Kage. Hi. Kage. Hey Kage. Hi. Kage. << - accurate representation of what I'll be doing in a few minutes probably.
I love the way that you say that I'm boring
10:02 PM - Me and Kage went in a bit ago. I'm so hot. I've stripped down to my most naked form...!!! A t-shirt and shorts. LOL. And my hair is up. EEEK!!!!!!!! I'M SO INDECENT! I'm thirsty. Watching TV on the couch with Kage. I would love to hold onto him right now but it's so hot that I think it would kill both of us were we to sit any closer. I feel so happy today. Everything is fine. And my guitar is perfectly stringed!...Haha. I don't have a guitar. That's just the name of a song I like.
10:49 PM - God. It's hotter than the devil's asshole in here. Fuck me. What the hell. Kage opened all the windows. I think I'm going to lay on the floor for a little while.
1:00 AM - Man. I think nighttime just does something to me. Nighttime makes me suicidal. Fuck that! You keep messaging me shit that makes me nervous. Stop that. I hate being nervous. Aghh. I'm going to go lay down. And. Maybe Kage will join me eventually. Whooooo knows. I hope so!
3:23 AM - Kage is in bed. He must've came in at some point after I fell asleep. Ah. Ah. You know. I didn't like falling asleep without him. Is that stupid? I think it is. I'm so stupid. Stupid. Ah. But. He's in bed now. Hi, Kage! I missed you! Kage! Why aren't you responding? Am I muted? Haha. I'm kidding. My head kind of hurts. I'm going back to bed.
I want to see Infomami again soon. Gghhhk.
2:14 PM - Made Kage soup. He isn't feeling well. Aww. I want to hug him and sing him a little song.
The nun is tormenting me again.
3:11 PM - I think he was planning on going back to work today, but I doubt that'll happen now. I should check him temp...maybe he has a FEVER!!! EGADS!!! I'll quiz him on his symptoms and see what medicine he should take. Though. He probably shouldn't take any on such an empty stomach. Soup is only so filling. Ah. I love playing doctor! I feel so useful! Haha. I do want him to feel better though, like, seriously. I hate seeing him like this!
6:14 PM - Got Kage Ibuprofen. I suppose I'll just stay near him for the rest of the day in case he needs me. Poor Kage.
You know. I think I make Infomami so nervous. And I think that's really, really funny. I want to keep making him nervous. I want to see his face when I do.
8:35 PM - I. Wanna smokeeee. Ugh. I think I need to buy more. I don't feel like it. Oh well. Tsumugi once put her cigarette out on me and I popped a bonerrrrrrrrrrrrrr. Sorry. I don't know why I'm telling you that.
10:06 PM - Kage asked if I wanted to watch TV a bit ago. So you'll never guess what I'm doing now. Hehe. Watching TV!!! He let me pick what to watch. I put on a true crime documentary...wehhh...it's been so long since I've watched one...they're so intersting to me. I LOVE DOCUMENTARIES!!!!!!!!!!!!
My body is a bit sore. I'm not sure why. Especially my thighs. Not fun. ubfjbfiawbiwfbhawbhwhfhiwfhiwjfwivwhvnewfbuwfhwiufhwifwjirn rrgoawgbwfiijwvrwhiwhfhghhghghgjjhjhkk i hat e being sore
12:28 AM - I don't feel great.
3:06 AM - I like spending time with Kage. I felt his eyes on me a few times. Haha! So cute. I'm so sleepy. So sleepy. Info-kun called be a bitch yesterday and I felt it in my stomach. I cannot elaborate on that any further.
So so so so sleepy. My head hurts. We should go out to a nice resturant eventually.
7:49 AM - I am so tired. So so so so so tired. Again. Ahhh. I'm sleepy. I want to sleep forever.
I know a lot more about you than I ever thought I would. And the more I think about it, the happier I get. Hahahahhhhaha. Why did you tell me all of that? Huh? Huh? Huh? You didn't need to. Not at all. But you did it anyways. Did you want to tell me? Ahhhhhhh. I wanted to tell you. I'm going back to sleep. I can't keep thinking about this.
1:18 PM - Kage hasn't been in the best mood today, I think. I'm a little worried. I'll probably try and ask him what's wrong in a few. I don't know if I'm that big of a help...but I'd feel terrible if I just ignored something so obvious. I don't like when he doesn't feel okay.
3:45 PM - i talked with infomami last night, or. this morning? and he told me a lot. a lot more than i ever thought he'd willingly spill to me. It's like, he accidentally said one thing - and then everything else came out. and i wonder why. i don't think he trusts me that much. but he told me anyways. why did he do that? i can't fathom it. and. obviously, no, i won't like.......leak his information and shit. INFO DROP NO.1: RANTARO INFOMAMI. lol. i have nothing to gain from that and. i like him. i don't want to do that to him. i don't know. as scary as it is for him to have my real name, i highly doubt he'd ever do anything with it. why would it matter? who would care enough? the only person who'd care is me. and then i'd disappear again, like i always do. there's just no reason for him to leak it. i like telling him stuff about me. and i like learning stuff about him. i think. i learned stuff that. he didn't really mean to tell me. and he didn't seem to want to talk about it. so i didn't push. i guess it makes me feel closer to him, in a way. we're a lot more similar than even he knows. which is comforting. to some extent.
i'd usually put this in the secret area of my blog but i don't really feel like it. who cares, you know? nobody is reading this. eh. this is going to sound way too sappy for what our relationship actually is. but i like him a lot. i like messing with him and figuring him out and spilling all my deep dark secrets to him. and worst of all. i just enjoy him as a person. that's fucking nasty. oh my god. and, i'm sorry, on account of the fact you've pleaded with me several times to go with "anyone but him", but i am, unfortunately, kind of enamored. i want to know him. like, actually. i want there to be more than just a back-and-forth game we play of telling each other our secrets. though, that is fun too. i like it. i get this...eh. fear? when i think about telling him everything about me. not because i think he'd hate me or use it against me. but because i'm scared he'd lose interest in me and all of this would just...cease to continue. because he knows everything about me. there's no fun left in it. and i don't want that to happen. it almost makes me feel inclined to keep doing bad shit so i'll never run out of stuff to tell him. and that's bad. lol. this is the most up front i'll ever be with how i feel about him. ever. you're never hearing this from me again because it's genuinely so fucking embarrassing that i want to pump lead into my skull. fuck my life.
he is on my mind so much more than he needs to be. and, quite frankly, so much more than i want him to be. oh my god. do you have any idea how compromising this is? i'd tell him anything he wanted to know if he asked nice enough. i'm an idiot. and one day he'll use all the shit i'll end up telling him against me and i'll have no one to blame but myself. and i really. don't care as much as i should. i don't know if it's just because i don't really believe that'll happen, or if i'm just prepared for it. but i don't care. i don't want to run or revoke anything i've said. god.
4:35 PM - I don't remember my actual birthday. I haven't celebrated it on the right day in over a decade now. I just don't remember what it is. I think it was sometime during early December. I always liked winter. Even though it has generally been the cruelest to me, of all seasons. I don't care for Christmas or anything. I just like the weather and the overall feel. Everything feels so much less important during winter. I always get really close to killing myself around that time. Or I start taking shit I shouldn't again. But it feels good. It feels good during winter because it's winter and nothing matters and I'll die anyways. I want to get beat up again. I often find myself thinking back to a time I previously mentioned where I got my shit rocked by an older man. I was 19. Tsumugi was there and she watched and it was the most humiliating moment of my life. Far more humiliating than anything else I've ever had to go through. I made him mad. I don't remember what I did. And he punched me, and then he kicked me - and then. I don't know. a lot more. and at some point I was kneeling in front of him. I got my blood all on his shoes and it just kept dripping. and I apologized again and again. And. She was there. She was there and I couldn't quite make out her face because I was dizzy and crying. I hadn't eaten anything for a few days before it had happened. And I took a lot of bad shit that made me nervous and sick. and I thought that I would die there. Not because he hurt me that bad. It just felt like the end. She didn't stick around after the older man left. I don't even remember where we were. But she had things to do, I guess. I felt like. what's the word? Demasculinized. Not like I really care about my masculinity. But. fuck. I felt completely lesser than everyone in that room. Because I was. Me and Her linked back up like a week later and i got super drunk and i don't really know what happened after that . i didn't want to drink. but she wanted me to. and i had already completely embarrassed myself in front of her. the thought of doing so again made me want to kill myself. but. in retrospect i think i would prefer if i had turned the alcohol down that night. ehh. she wasn't a bad girl. i yelled at her a lot. said a lot of really mean shit. i wasn't great to her. i think i deserved everything she did to me in return. i want tacos. sometimes when i don't feel good i find myself saying things like. i want my mom! or. i want my dad! but. i never knew them. not really. i think what i really want is you. and you're not here right now. and unfortunately, i don't think things will ever be normal enough for us to reunite properly. this is something i've been forcing myself to accept lately.
I've been starting to feel like, perhaps I am burdening Kage, or upsetting him in some way. And. realistically. I'm overstaying my welcome, aren't I? I don't know. He's so perfect. I think I am. not doing much good for him. I'm not sure if I feel this way because of anything I've actually picked up on, or if it's just my usual need to distance myself after a certain point rearing its ugly little head in. As much as I'd love to pack my stuff and run away or something. I don't think that's very kind. Maybe I should try and do something nice for him while he's out. I'm not sure what. Uh. Maybe plant those flowers he mentioned a while ago. I don't know why I'm feeling so down right now. Ehh. Yeah. I think it's gardening time. Not like it's something he'd immediately notice upon coming home. but. i don't know. holy shit. i feel terrible right now.
5:47 PM - get these gay men off my timeline i swear to god. i'm irritated as fuck i'm irritated as fuck i'm irritated as fuck
7:36 PM - Planted flowers a while ago. Fun. Wehhh. I'm tired. I'm going to sleep on the floor. Or something
10:41 PM - My ass hurts. Lmfao. I'm gonna go run a bath. Something something epsom salt i dont knowwwwuh. I'm not sure where Kage is or where he's been. Maybe he'll show up soon. None of my business, I guess. Not like I miss him or anything. Lol. Lol. why would. I. Why would I miss him. WTF. Lol. lol. lol. lol. Sorry, I'm lying, can you tell? I kind of want to kill myself tonight. Not even for any reason in particular. Just like. I'd rather be dead than feel like this. Obviously, not really. I don't really want to die. But I feel like I do. Ah. Ah, Ah, My foot is falling asleep. Oh my God. giegihegienkjenbkejbjevbqewuifiejoreronekjgn i hate when it does that. whatever. bath time.
You can't talk about your body aching without people insinuating you're some sort of whore who only indulges in sex. But it's fine. I'm not bothered.
11:34 PM - so you just gon break my shit. so you just gon break my shit. so you just gon break my shit. so you just
12:01 AM - In light of the fact that Kage is still not back, I think I'm going to head out for a while and fuck around. That is seriously all I know how to do. And I'll hate myself for it come morning time, but God knows that doesn't matter. It's been too long and I'm getting antsy. I'll come back home whenever. I'm not tired and my ass still hurts and there is absolutely nothing to do. It's making my skin crawl. I need to distract myself with something. So.
12:37 AM - Eh. Okay. Can I be honest. I'm trying to do other shit but I'm just. a little worried about Kage. It's not like I don't trust that he can't handle being high on his own or whatever. but. buuuut. but. I'm gonna try and track him down since I'm already out. He's probably not. that far. I think he went out for work or something originally, so he's probably still in the area. I don't knowwwwwwwwwwwwwww. I'll know it's him when I see him. Prollyyyyyy...... you know. I don't mean to baby him. He's a grown man and all. I don't know why I'm worried. Guess I'm just scared he'll get hit by a car or something. Or go missing and never come back. Hey, does that sound familiar? Sorry.
I guess I'm just worried because I care about him. That's not a foreign concept. I'm gonna...uhhhh...look out for a Small Body Of Water. Ideally there will be a cute boy probably curled up near one and upon further inspection it'll be Kage. We'll see. Kage retrieval mission. Lol.
1:10 AM - So. As it would turn out, he really wasn't that far at all. I mean, like a 30 minute walk. #FOUNDHIM. Call me a golden retriever with the way I be. retrieving. i guess. Okay. He's kind of a mess. I need to bring him home and see if we can get him out of. Those Clothes. and then in bed probably.
2:30 AM - Kage is home safe and sound. In bed. In different clothes. And all is well. I'm still not tired. And I want to smoke. But I don't really want to leave his side right now. So. I'll just crack a window and smoke near it. Ehhh. I bought another pack a little before I went on my mission to go retrieve him. I'll smoke myself to death one day, surely.
I'm really hot right now. Perhaps on account of the fact I am wearing Infomami's jacket. But I don't feel like taking it off. Wearing my hair up again. I still think it makes me look girly. But it cools my neck off a bit. You know, it's not like I think I look ugly with it up. I just. Don't like. I don't know. It's kind of similar to how I feel with my body. Objectively, I don't think my body is too terribly ugly. But I hate seeing it and acknowledging it. So I'm always clothed all the time like a normal person should be. And when I'm naked I want to kill myself. I hate my chest and my ribs and my arms and my ass and my thighs and . ehhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh. ehh. so on, so forth, or whatever the phrase is. Infomami asked me if I'm secretly a girl. As if. I should stab him next time I see him. Goodbye Infomami. Haha. I'm kidding. I wouldn't do that. Refer to my previous paragraphs where I gush about him. Kage looks so cute when he sleeps. I want to squeeze him. Awww. I know he's afraid of dogs, but he really, really reminds me of one. Not in like. a degrading way. I just like dogs. and they're cute like Kage is cute. I am a little less worried that he hates my guts and wants me out of his house now. Though I suppose the fear is still there. God. Sometimes I wish I just didn't have to think at all. Literally everything ever would be so much easier if I had no brain to use. All I do is think. Which is funny, 'cos I'm not even that smart. So everything I think is stupid. Fuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuck. I am so useless. Whatever.
3:23 AM - I'm gonna.....................eat something. I don't know what. But something. And then get in bed. Not tired, still. But. I don't knoooooooooow. Sorry for dodging all of your questions. I'm not scared of telling you things. I love you. I just can't stomach the thought of you knowing some of this. Sorry. I'm sorry. I really am. I love you so much.
11:21 AM - Tired. All I want to do is sleep. I think Kage is feeling a little better this morning, so. My hands are really cold. Like, freezing. I put them around my neck and gave myself goosebumps. 'Cos they're so cold. You know, I never really did pot or anything. Apparently Rantaro did it...recreationally, before his parents kicked him out. Then he stopped 'cos it was too expensive. The old guy I stayed with for a bit did it too, less recreationally, I think. Shit, he might've had his own cannabis garden or something with how he was always stocked up on it. I didn't really know much about him. Slept in his attic and only really left the house at night, or when he needed errands done. Sometimes I'd watch TV with him and sit on the part of the couch furthest away from him. I think he had a wife at one point. Or like, a daughter that cut ties with him. Something. I'd hear him grumbling about a "stupid bitch" all the time. Don't call them bitches, bro! I only really spoke to him (as in like, a normal, casual conversation) a handful of times, including the time where he offered to let me stay in his attic for the small, small price of. you'll never guess. Eh. Whatever. I had a little air mattress up there and a bunch of blankets. I really didn't need that many, because it was always unbearably hot up there, but I liked the weight of them. Mmh. I can't remember how old I was. I just know it was a while ago and I was like...younger. Sometimes he'd have a friend or two over, so I'd stay holed up in the attic the entire time, because I didn't want to meet them. Fun times.
1:34 PM - What if I told you that world was gonna end, and you had 15 minutes to spend with me or your friends?
That song has been stuck in my head for a bit. I fell asleep and had a dream that mom was still alive. I don't know what she looks like, though, so I'm pretty sure the face I saw in my dream was some woman I saw on TV once. But. In the dream, she was our mom. You were there too, but. You didn't really have a face. I just knew it was you. Because I always know when it's you. Dad wasn't there. And I think something bad was happening in the dream. But now that I'm awake I can't really make out what it was.
Kage got in bed with me at some point during my deep slumber. Awww. Awww.
2:23 PM - I'd do something fucked up for a taco right now. Goddddd. I WANT ONE SO FUCKING BAD. Anyways. Talked to Kage for a little. I've realized that we don't often have times where we just talk. We're either doing something, or like. sleeping. I like talking to him. I don't have a lot to talk about. Or. Well, maybe I do. I have a lot of stories I could tell. Maybe he'd like to hear one. If not, he can just ignore me. EZ. I might smoke again. Maybe I'll do what I did last night and crack open a window so we can still talk. Is that rude...? Or like. IDK. I'm not sure. I hope not!
3:32 PM - I like squirrels. Fat fucks.
I just sneezed. Bless me, please!
3:56 PM - Doc, is she gonna make it? "prolly not.." Ohhhhh lord save me...my drug is my baby..
6:16 PM - Did you know? I had lip piercings for a bit. Tsumugi's friend did them for me. They had no qualifications at all and I had no money to give to an actual body piercer so it worked out. I looked kinda girly with them, but Tsumugi was into it so it was chill. I kind of miss them...*sniffle* *sob* Ohhhh...Rantaro would've loved to see me with piercings... blah blah whatever
6:44 PM - Kage is dozing off at the table. While eating. Like, I'm watching his head dip every few seconds. It reminds me of a kitten. Haha. I'm not laughing at him. It's just so cute. I mean, I feel bad too. He must be super tired. Rockabye Kage in the tree top...when the wind blows the cradle will rockkkk... ehh. heh.hahh.hahaha.hahhahha. Mm. I want to take a shower. I think I need to. And I need to do my laundry. I should ask Kage if we need more laundry stuff.....
8:31 PM - i think. i might have a panic attack or something. i don't know. not panic. something else. but it feels really intense. and bad. and i think i'm goinng to take a walk or something
10:09 PM - I promise I am who I say I am. I'm sorry. I really am. I don't mean to lie. I'm sorry. I am him. I promise.
I'm going to head back home now. I think. I don't feel great. Really, it shouldn't have put me off so much. But hearing it from you. Made it a lot harder. I'm really sorry. I know I don't seem like him at all. I wish I did.
10:59 PM - Home. I have so many bruises all over my fucking legs bro WHAT the hell! I wish I could roam around shirtless sometimes. Well, no, I don't. But like, I also do. Uhh. I don't like being without clothes but sometimes I become like way too aware of the clothes on my body and all I want to do is get NAKED! Even though I don't like being naked. Eh. I think I made you mad. I'm trying not to think about it. Lol. Sorry. Sorry. Sorry. Sorry. My bad. Sorry. Sorry. Sorry. Sorry. Sorry. Sorry. Sorry. Ehhh. eheoivneivneijvneijvniojniwnkjwnjghuighjgkhkkrurfhieghigivevfnjnhnhjk
11:24 PM - whatever. if i was entirely honest with you, you'd think i'm gross or something. i don't really care. i think kage is laying down. i'm going go outside and lay somewhere. sometimes i like when the bugs crawl on me. i'm being a crybaby over a whole lot of nothing.
or maybe i'll just join kage. maybe i'd feel better if i did. probably.
1:21 AM - kage. i'm so tired. i think, if he wasn't right next to me i'd be totally losing my mind. i want to lay on top of him. i'm not going to do that. but i want to. i'm itching for some ounce of closeness. like literally i think my fingers are twitching because i want it so bad i feel like a crack addict. eh. eh. eh. eh. eh. i'm going to move closer to him.
7:40 AM - Woke up and Kage wasn't there. Sigh. I'm going back to sleep.
1:27 PM - They fucking wanna break me, the way their eyes look show it.
I'm tired. I keep thinking about him. This is, of course, nothing new. But it's frustrating. It always is. I am so terribly weak. My biggest and most noteworthy flaw is that I am weak through and through. Godddddddddddd. I think I'm going to go out for a while. I don't even want to do anything. I just. Need to be outside. I'm in such a bad mood.
lift my skirt and search my body!!!!!!!!! beat me til my brain is foggy!!!!!!!
2:07 PM - I have very little to say. I want to kill myself so fucking bad. Like seriously this time I am fighting the urge to slit my throat oh my God. You asked me what cigarettes I smoke. Would you smoke with me if I offered? Do you still want to see me even though I lie to you? Ehhh. You said something last night. About how sometimes you wish we both died. and I can't help but think everything would be so much better if we did. I wish we were dead. God.
I'll love you until my blood evaporates. You being alive means everything to me. But. I don't think this was the best outcome for either of us. I don't knowwwwwwww. I'm tired. I want to get so drunk I can't think I'M SICK OF THISSSSSSSSSS!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
6:31 PM - ah
7:35 PM - i think i need to go home. i'm sad. i want to hug kage. i'm not sure if it's because he's current;y one of the closest people to me rright now or what. but i want to,. ehhhhhh. i'm going home.
8:30 PM - I need to start treating you less like a person and more like a diary. God. Dear diary, I want to kill myself so fucking bad. Dear diary, I'd rather be deepthroating a gun right now. Dear diary, ah. ahh. ahhhh. Ahhh. I think I wish my brother was here
Dear diary. I am home. Home, as in, at Kage's house. I missed him. I miss a lot of people right now. Wahhhhhhhhhhh. I'm going to cry. I'm going to sit in bed and cry like a baby because what else can you do???????????//rhhtigijgnrignrjgnojn
8:51 PM - You know what? I don't jerk off. It's not feasible and has never been particularly appealing to me. I can't touch myself in public because that's INDECENT and DISGUSTING. It's not like I can go home and rub one out. Masturbation is fucking stupid and I hate it and I hate sex and I think we should all kill ourselves NOW!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! When I'm turned on I IGNORE THAT SHIT! AND IT'S REALLY EASY! NAME ONE TIME I'VE EVER HAD A BONER. YOU CAN'T. I DON'T GET BONERS. THERE'S A FEW REASONS WHY BUT I'LL LEAVE IT UP TO INTERPRETATION. I don't know where I'm going with this. I. felt really sad so I was like maybe I should just jerk off or something but then thinking about that made me mad. Also I can't really jerk off in someone else's house that's like mad weird. NOT LIKE I WANTED TO ANYWAYS. I'M PISSED BECAUSE I HATE JERKING OFF AND I DON'T KNOW WHY I THOUGHT ABOUT IT. I'M PEEVED. Sometimes I think about things that I don't want to. And they make me really upset. And even though I don't want to think about them I keep thinking about them anyways. I think I'm sick. Sick in the head and gross and vile. There is something wrong with me and there always has been. I don't think I'm like this because of how I've had to live or what people have done to me. I think I'm just not good and I never have been. Even before all of this. Before you went missing. From the day I was born there was something fundamentally wrong with me and I was predisposed to living like this and being this way. This is all I'm meant for, and realistically, all I deserve to have. No matter what choices I made, I would still end up like this. In every lifetime I would reduce myself to this. Because this is all I am. I can't have a normal relationships with people because I'm not a real person - I am not fully developed like they are, I am not important like they are, and I can only give them one thing. And. When. They don't want that from me. I don't know what to do. I feel worthless. This is all I can give you, so why don't you want it? You just don't want me, then, I think. You don't want me because I'm nothing more than what I can give and you don't want what I can give and so I need. To leave. I'll never be anything more than this. You can't save me from a life I was made for, I think. You can't save me. Just like I can't save you. And. Maybe I don't want to be saved. Maybe I want this. Maybe I've always wanted it and I was just too stupid to realize.
9:21 PM - Okay. That was a little dramatic. Gosh, Shuichi, are you on your PERIOD? IS IT THAT TIME OF THE MONTH? LOL. No fuck you and also you aren't funny and also i hate you
9:44 PM - Kage is in bed. And I missed him a lot. And I think I;mgoing to hug him for a prolonged period of time. If there's a word for that.
2:03 AM - I like holding on to him. I've missed this. I like being held. I enjoy it all. I'm so happy. I think everything is fine.
12:15 PM - I don't want to moveeeeeeuuhghguhughugh. I am comfy. In bed. And really happy. This feels so nice. I could lay here all day I think. Being so close to him reminds me of how I used to hold my old friends. Ah. Ah. I'm not sad. It's a nice memory.
5:04 PM - I wonder if Kage wants to watch a movie or something? I feel bad keeping him in bed all day...
7:03 PM - We're going to a diner tomorrow. Kage asked. I've been wanting to go out to eat with him for a little while now! I actually don't have a lot to write at all today. I'm happy and I feel. Normal? Ah. So nice. So nice. I'm not sure how to properly express how happy I am. I feel like :) that. :) smiley face